Have you ever seen a friends just lose interest and you and move on and you feel like shit because you know you’ve done something that made you lose whatever they saw in you? Well now that line I mentioned in my last post is so fucking clear. The line between all the depressed, suicidal fuck-ups like me and the rest of the happy world. Nothing makes me want to kill myself more than seeing a bunch of happy people, all hanging out with their friends, laughing, joking, taking pictures. And I say why not me? Why can’t I get better and just be that person again?
So one of my closest friends just doesn’t care anymore. I told her everything about myself. I shared my soul with her and she did too. We started out being in love almost a year ago and then fell out of that. But we still were awesome friends. She texted me everyday! And our texts, facebook messages, phone calls and hanging out was always so fun. There was an enthusiam and care in every one.
And now nothing. When I text her I usually get no response. And when I do, it’s tart and short. It’s a chore to talk to me. I can trace all this back to when I told her about my depression and cutting and suicide attempts. I think she felt a little betrayed because I hadn’t told her before that. But she promised to be there for me always. She promised that she cared and needed me. She fucking promised! But I guess happy, flighty 19 year old girls don’t really give a fuck unless you are having fun. She helped me reach out to two other people. I tried so hard not to talk about my depression but sometimes I really needed someone to talk to. And more and more she wasn’t there and she didn’t care. Until finally we’re worlds apart emotionally. She doesn’t even care. And I know it.
So yeah. The problem is me. And now I will never, ever share this depression shit with anyone else. I know I’m just a fucking time bomb, counting down to self-destruct. I can’t really blame her for bailing and not wanting to be brought down. I know I’m not needed now. And I’m going to fix this problem of me for good.
5 comments
Most people become “friends” based on initial false presumptions, or just convenience. But then they figure out those presumptions were false or illusory, or the interactions become less convenient, until one day, they’re no longer interested.
This is why i don’t bother making friends, even though i’m usually polite and cordial with everyone i encounter IRL. I figure it’s the least i should do, to make it as easy as possible for other people to get in and out of my life as their previously determined course dictates. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way, and i don’t want anyone impeding mine.
Real friends should not require you to bottle up your struggles. Then again, you probably should not expect anything less than a “real friend,” to tolerate exposure to anything unpleasant or unappealing.
Depression isn’t exactly candy and rainbows you know… Sometimes you have to look at things from her perspective…she is a happy girl with no clue about how anything pertaining to depression feels…and it’s always safe to assume that most people have the typical societal opinion about it…so knowing these two things you have to realize a natural reaction for a person like that is to distance themselves…not only that but once you get so deep into depression you change and become another person which coincides with what clevername said because she probably realized you guys didn’t have much in common anymore…don’t blame yourself…it’s just the way things go…
Make sure 100% that whomever you open up to about your feelings at least has some experience dealing with it so they can relate more… It’s like talking to a virgin or a pornstar about sex…who is much more likely to listen? …
Yeah I guess you’re right. The worst thing to me is that she promised to be there and hasn’t. That’s what hurts the most.
I know exactly how you feel. There was this girl I used to talk to all the time and I could tell her anything and she’d listen and talk to me about it. And then when I started to fall for her she slowly moved away from me. But she did also promise she’d be there for me and so when I tell her about my depression it feels like I’m annoying/bothering her. She doesn’t say it, but it’s so obvious. I want to just lash out on her but then I realise there’d be no point and I’d just be digging myself a deeper hole. What’s worse is that she.is the whole reason my depression started in the first place. But her head is too far up her own arse to see it.
So now I’m lost and don’t know what to do. I would be so much happier if sje spoke to me for even just 5/10
Minutes. just a shame she doesn’t realise she has that power.