I wrote that on my arm last time I was on a psych ward, and then was about to take my life when the girl with learning disabilities across the hall from me came and knocked on my door wanting me to do her nails. She had been through so much and we were friends, she really didn’t deserve to have to watch me be brought out in a body bag which would have happened right outside her room. So I held on for a while and now I feel the same hopelessness again, the same desperation I just wish there was a way to […]
Tag:
Last Time
Someone for a short period of time brought my soul back from the deeps of nothingness and I was able to feel again. Isn’t that suppose to be a good thing? I hate it! I wish that person would have never touch my sleeping soul if only to throw it away! I just want to crawl back into the nothingness and feeling less. But the probably is it hurts just like last time to crawl back in the water. Just like it hurt to crawl out. Why did you bother?! You brought me more pain than joy! Can’t I just be left alone?! I had […]
I had it all ready. Everything was in place. Time. Method. I was scared, but I knew that I just had to overcome that fear. This was going to be like ripping off a bandaid: it was going to hurt for a very short time, but in a little while, its existence in the first place would be forgotten.
I told the only two people in the world who would care or it would impact in the slightest. The one had known for months (lets call her Olympia). The other I had only known for a few weeks, but we are very, very close because we […]
im so scared in a couple hours i will be going to my firist therapy. i dont know if it will help or just make things worse. can i really tell her my whole life. the life my parents dont know. is she going to ask the last time i tried to hurt/kill myself. will i have to go every week or once a month just so confusing….
I’ve so often thought of suicide, but when I hear that word it seems inappropriate to convey what I really want. The truth is I just want an ending. I want to be free from the expectations of parents and people around me, free of the worry for money or to have a social standing. I’ve been going to college for 3 years and they haven’t been very happy. Now I flunked cell biology and my moms cutting me off, and spoke to me with the most sincere sense of disappointment. She said she loved me but I saw no love in her words. It’s […]
I will be 15 in 3 weeks. My depression started when i was 13. I began to start cutting myself. Now i have scars left on my arms as a memory. The last time i cut was in December. I would cut whenever something would really upset me. Then when i was 13 my mom implied that i was fat so i developed an eating disorder and i lost 30 pounds from that so far. I have not recovered from either. I have a tendency of relapsing. When all of this began someone came into my life and he tried to help me. He was […]
I’ve decided to do it. You’ve all heard my story. I appreciate all the positive comments I’ve gotten. You all are so much stronger than I am. I’m going to a much better place. One where there is no pain or hate, no judgement. Only void. I’m going to join my best friend. To join My ex. To join All the others who saw this world for the horrible damned place that it is. Those of you who still believe in hell, even if I go there, I’ll be happier than I will be living here. To my parents who will find this while invading […]
So theres this guy, and hes kinda REALLY creepy.
We supposedly used to have play dates together, which nasts me out .
A couple years ago (i was about 15) I was basically forced to sit with him at space aliens restaurant (lol dont ask). My brother and his friend were thankfully sitting with me and it…till they LEFT to hit the arcade.
Now this guy is always staring, like he makes it obvious, like in a disrespectful way.
Hes not the best looking guy in my opinion.
He made me feel so uncomfortable, he said “are you normally this quiet”?
“I said well I dont really know you.”
(AND dont reaally […]
You left me, James. Not even a text or a message to say you were ending it. I know I wasn’t the best friend I could have been… should have been… But I wish you’d at least tried. I would have tried to help, even though I was so far away. Maybe I could have talked you out of it for a little while… maybe it would have been long enough for you to realize that maybe suicide wasn’t the thing for you. You could have had so much.
I feel so selfish, sitting here and thinking as I write this, that maybe all the […]
“And I swear at that moment, we were infinite”
Is my favorite quote from my favorite book Perks of being a wallflower.
I must have read that book a thousand times, it always use to help me when I felt down, and I had a lot of favorite quotes from the book, that’s my absolute favorite, because I think we’ve all felt infinite at one point or another.
One time I felt like that, is on Halloween when I was really little and I was trick or treating, and I saw the moon and it was big and full and I couldn’t stop staring at it because I thought it […]
It started out small. I would feel sad and tired and utterly hopeless for a few hours, maybe one night at the most. I would self harm or cry myself to sleep or rant in my diary until 2 AM. The next morning I would tell myself that yesterday was “just a bad day” and that everyone had them once in a while, so it was totally normal.
I went from having a “bad day” once in a while, to having a “bad day” once a month, to having several “bad days” a month…and before I knew it, I’d become the person I am now. I […]
It’s been a couple of months since the last time I wrote here. For awhile I was feeling better, but now I feel even worse then I did before. The last time that I wrote here for me suicide was just something that I kept thinking about, but I wasn’t ready to do it, I was just too scared of dying. Now I think that I’m ready, or at least I’m not scared anymore because I know that whatever will come after death it’s going to be different from how I’m living now. Anyway there are two reasons why I’m writing here now, but since […]
His voice is still ringing in my head. I lost the most amazing person on febuary 6, 2011. he told me to never give up, but i cant do it anymore. i need to see him one last time, and tell him i love him. i just want to see his smiling face, and hearing him knock on my window on late summer nights wanting to go riding, and sitting in his truck singing taylor swift songs wearing cut offs and teeshirts. i miss him so much.
losing him was the worst thing ever. Getting the call in class and hearing he put a gun in […]
It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything, let alone posted anything… I think December was the last time I posted? I’m too lazy to check (even though it is a few clicks). I’ve been a diagnosed depression patient for almost 5 years now, dunno how long I’ve actually been depressed for though, seems like it’s been for a good chunk of my life though
There was a certain moment in my life when I reallyy really wanted to kill myself. And then there was those other moments when I was really close to that… though even in my most jaded of times, I still had some sliver […]
for about 5 years now i have had a struggle with depression, and only in the past 2 years or so have people found out about it. i’ve attempted to kill myself several times but never found the strangth to do it.
when people first found out about my depression they where absolutely shocked. It didn’t make sense to them, i was always the one helping other people with their problems. Hell i wanted to be a social worker or child psychologist for the sole reason of helping people with those problems. But now…. now everything just looks bleak.
today after a fairly minor argument […]
I’d forgotten what it felt like – to be happy. I can’t even remember the last time I felt like this. Let me explain…
It was a normal day and I, as usual, was feeling my normal self ie. not so good. I was crying – pleading with the powers that be to help me – somehow. And that’s when I got the idea. I came up with a method that I think will work. I won’t go into details, obviously, but that’s when I felt happy. I found myself smiling – an actual genuine smile. Not a false one – not because it’s expected of me – but […]
No idea what to put as the title, so oh well.
I’m not 100% sure why I’m posting stuff up here, but sometimes, when you know you can’t go into it with anyone else, it just becomes a “What the heck, why not?” moment.
Now, just for a summary of things, I’m 23. I’m not prone to depression as a relative mental issue, nor am I prone to actual suicidal considerations or tendencies. The last time I even had a properly suicidal thought was in my mid teens, during a period in my life when everything was going completely in the dumper, after a half decade of […]
I’ve got 44 days left to go, and I’ll be joining you. I am living my life until then as best as I can, savouring every moment. I’m even tempted to run in the local elections just for the joy of it. I am trying to fit a lifetime of pleasure in before I go. I don’t know what comes next, however that doesn’t bother me.
As full as my world seems, I am alone looking out over it. Disconnected from it. It doesnt matter how close I get to people I am so far away. People say they see great things in my future, I […]
I am 11 years old and i know i am going to die, you can try to talk me out of it, hell if you make me find a reason to live then i won’t jump of the 17 floor roof terrace. You know what, i’m scared, terribly terribly scared. Do you know why, because after death there is nothing, nothing at all! Just a bleak empty nothingness, I hope there is something after death. I wish with all my heart that there is something after death, but sadly there is nothing. This is me, signing off, maybe someone will read this and care, hell, i […]
i cant take it anymore….
I dont know whats been going on lately….me and my mom have been fighting so much to the point i cut myself last night…last time i did that was in September when everything around me fell apart… and when i found out my boyfriend was calling anther girl babe i forgave him and im starting to trust him more and more…but today he asked me if that girl he was calling babe could go to our church to meet me… i dont know what kills me more the fact hes still talking to her after everything that happened or he would […]