Not so down but getting there…

I’ve so often thought of suicide, but when I hear that word it seems inappropriate to convey what I really want. The truth is I just want an ending. I want to be free from the expectations of parents and people around me, free of the worry for money or to have a social standing. I’ve been going to college for 3 years and they haven’t been very happy. Now I flunked cell biology and my moms cutting me off, and spoke to me with the most sincere sense of disappointment. She said she loved me but I saw no love in her words. It’s not about the money, she slaves at a job she hates so I can get an education. And now because of that I feel ashamed that I don’t care more…. I don’t care because I see the utter indifference man has toward fellow man. Starvation, hunger, cruelty and greed are so prevalent in this world and have been from the start. The 60’s seem to me the last time people had a chance to change and it’s gone and faded into memory. People care for themselves and that is that. I sincerely want to change the perception and live lovingly, caring, ungreedy, selfless and unambitious. Yet even with my education and how lucky i’ve been I feel I don’t deserve it at all. I don’t want to end up working in a factory and that was why I wanted to go to school to be a marine biologist. I just see it as a game we play with ourselves, taking on the role of a marine biologist. I mean do we need another marine biologist? Really? it’s the fact that my mom expects some kind of grandiose life achievement just like every other parent. I understand the comments here, feeling utterly, achingly alone. You don’t want to kill yourselves but you feel there is no other way to face life in a sane way when society is so profoundly sick and insane it defies all logic. My heart goes to all of you, you are alone, but not quite so alone… because in another town there is another ghost to the world