Every one thinks because i look happy means i have no problems like i dont deal with things.
When i came back  to school last year after my suicide attempt everyone just gave me strange looks….
Behind this smile is pain and hard times…
behind this smile is problems im dealing with..
Im NOT perfect…
I’m sorry about all the things I did in my “youth”. I made the stupid decision to push you away back when SP chat was so popular. I made a stupid comment saying I committed a grotesque thing that meant I would get banned from that community and sort of shunned. It was for the better, although only because I was on the chat for far too long. I bet it’s either dead now or only 2 or three people left on there.
I can’t think of all the names of my old friends of whom I miss dearly, but yet somewhere in my mind your […]
I love you all. Been on here since i was 15. And on that fateful day I chose to look up suicide methods. I ignored the website that talked about help and such and came here. I found people who were interesting and like me. Although my problems were faint in comparison, it still meant people who were relating and also helpful in my time of need.
I thank you all for your support and to the admins even when i was a shitbag troll. I’m sorry for that. I love you all, as my great friends in a suicidal community. Talk to me on kik […]
I’m glad we’re friends again, but now you just remind me how much I miss being loved. Maybe I’m not glad we’re friends, Â maybe I hate it but I put up with it because I still get to see your smile and your eyes, even though they’re not for me anymore. Every time we hug I want go hold on forever, and it always tears me apart when we part ways. It pains me to even look at you, but I can’t bare the thought of you forgetting about me. I still don’t understand why
I never knew any good. abuse from birth. Physically, menilly, sexually, and verbally. Living in poverty getting fucked by my dad and abused by my mom. Than my brother too. No love and no support. No friends no family. And the foster care system was no differnt. Abusse, neglect, and being used. I ran away at 12 and started prostituting to support myself. I wanted to make something for myself, to become something. I have been through things you couldn’t amagen. Things that should have killed me. But I’m hear and suffer every minuet of every day. I contiplate subside constantly. What do I […]
I always get on here and just look at everything everyone is saying so I figured I would post something today. I have many scars and a black heart. I miss the way I was before I started cutting myself, but I wouldn’t change a damn thing in my life or anything I have done to myself. The other day I broke down completely in front of the man I thought I could trust completely. I bawled my eyes out for almost an hour because of my f*cked up life and how bad I was feeling about everything. I tried to explained my feelings but […]
My mom has just been giving me this look of utter pity as if I was just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. As if at any moment I’ll try again. I love her to death and I know she is only worried for me but I can’t stand for her to do this to me. Her looks kill me more each day knowing I caused so much harm to her. What hurts me the most is that things won’t be the same anymore and its all my fault..
Just found out my psychiatrist(the one who helped me through my bad trip) killed himself,after being one of the top psychtrists in Sillicon Valley(Cali,look it up)
He was found selling drugs on the side even though he didn’t need too,He drove a rolyce rolce and lived in Monterey and had two offices in san jose and monetary what a world, what a world
My prayers go out to him and his family,he helped me very much
It’s so hard to get someone to understand you. It rips your soul apart when the look of incomprehension shows up. I have only just wanted some help and care. But I guess that’s a luxury that I won’t ever have.
I live like a zombie. My soul is dead. My emotions are dead. I have no passion. I just want to end this.
Frozen In Time.
Anyone know how to make a suicide look like an accident?
This poem is kind of the same as last time except it’s more “in the moment” if anything. hope you enjoyed
I’m the girl chasing a dream
but underneath my human skin, i’m a monster
creating visions that are not to be seen
and spilling blood that’s not meant to be cleaned
I terrorize throughout the night
Tearing through their flesh and bone
and as i look for more victims to take,
i realize, I’ve been turned into stone
a stone cold killer, i guess you could say
but that still doesn’t make the pain go away
with every scream ringing in my ear
I continue hold them […]
Misinformation. Misinformation will raise your hopes and when you’re about to cash in those hopes and make them reality; bam. You search the internet better than you did the last time you wanted to commit suicide and, will you look at that, turns out suicide by pills isn’t as peaceful as you thought. Wait, wait… what? You won’t go to sleep and never wake up again? Hollywood misdirected you? How dare those movies make it seem so simple? Oh, what’s that? You might throw up violently? Your head will feel close to exploding? B-but—IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU’RE LIVER’S BEING RIPPED OFF YOUR INSIDES AS IT’S […]
It’s been a while.
I went through ups and downs and now I am actually on the final leg of my journey. But I feel like I shouldn’t be.
How did I get this far? Time passed by so quickly and I didn’t even get the chance to realize it. I feel like I am at this level, but I cheated my way here. Most of them are so much smarter than me, picking up all the points when I’m here still figuring out why the square peg won’t get into the circle hole.
They all look at me and say “wow, there’s a person who got it […]
I fucked up again, this girl emily (who i like) cut her wrist open again and i was the cause of it. I got drunk last night and told her she was just like my ex and that she didn’t a shit what she does to people and then she told “Meris. Before I go, you forgot where you met me. you met me at my worst but i covered it so well. i’m lying in a pool of my own blood and all i want to do is thank you for reminding me why i tried the first time” Â I told her from the […]
So me and my dad don’t get along very well…..we never have. I love him and he loves me but unfortunately I inherited too many of my mom’s genes……too many for him I guess. We’ve never really had time to bond, especially not in a family of 7 or what once used to be a family of 7……Don’t worry, nobody died. My parents just got divorced a couple years back that’s all. But anyways the point is me and my father are 2 completely different people. Sure I’ve got some of his genes in me but not enough to show. I’m a really calm, easygoing […]
“When I walk into a room, even filled with people who hate me, I feel like I’m cumming. Not the orgasm, but the satisfaction that comes with it. That’s how I want to help pothers feel, because it allows you to be unbreakable. And as much as you may think you’re already there, you’re not.”
“And as much as you may think you’re already there, you’re not.”
I’m sorry if I put out the vibe that I think I’m superior or that I get off on […]
I was told once, before we’re born we choose to come into this life. Told the possibilities of life are endless, you can do anything you put your mind to. Why is it that life contradicts that very statement. From a young age were forced to see the realities of what this life really is. A place where judgement of others is more important than judgement of one’s self. Where the rich strive and prosper and the poor struggle. Where the only peace you can find is in the bottom of a bottle. Or with a complete stranger, it seems the closest to you have […]
I’ve hated my life for so long I have no idea what being happy is I’ve hung myself nothing drank bleach and window cleaner and threw it back up I want to die but I’m scared to but I fear the next day and dread today I want to leave this world and live a life where I control what happens not others controlling and ruining my life I’m the outcast of my school everyone thinks I’m a joke or that one guy who replaces a girls boyfriend until they find another or that one guy who is a replacement everything I sit in the […]
I feel people get hung up on the reasoning for killing yourself more than the lack of desire to live. When you look at it that way, then you can appreciate the motive.
Where else in life, outside of work and certain family dynamics, are you forced to do something you’re obviously not wanting to continue? Everything has an exit door, life isn’t any different.
I suffer in silence but so desperately want to be heard.
Don’t ask me whats wrong because I wont be able to tell you- just know whats wrong with me and tell me it will be okay.
Tell me things will get better.
Things wont get better right? I mean whats the difference between this school and another. Whats the difference between this town and any other?
Whats the difference between the you you hate now and the you, you’ll hate tomorrow.
As much as I’d like to think things will get better when I get out of this country I cant help but realize that the problem is me.
me: […]
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