I feel nothing anymore

I’ve hated my life for so long I have no idea what being happy is I’ve hung myself nothing drank bleach and window cleaner and threw it back up I want to die but I’m scared to but I fear the next day and dread today I want to leave this world and live a life where I control what happens not others controlling and ruining my life I’m the outcast of my school everyone thinks I’m a joke or that one guy who replaces a girls boyfriend until they find another or that one guy who is a replacement everything I sit in the back if my class because I was verbally abused for years that I don’t care yet I’d rather not hear the emo jokes I’ve heard for a year now I don’t care if I’m emo it dosent mean I don’t feel anything I just want the hurt to stop is that so much to ask I guess so I do t even know why I’m writing this it won’t help me alcohol won’t help me I honestly want to shut down I’m fat I weigh 210 pounds and they say it’s muscle but I know it’s not I just wNt someone to look at me see the pain in me and say “I won’t hurt you” I want someone to help me instead if my family PAYING people to give a shit I’m tired if all this pain I just can’t take it maybe one day I’ll look back and say wow I lived through they but I think no such thing will happen I was born to suffer I’d die to win cuz I’m born to lose and I just want to do something right I mess up everything I do and I can’t do it anymore I can’t keep lying to myself saying I’ll be fine when I’m dead on the inside in a shell if who I used to be and I want to be that person once more but I think I’m too far gone