..And sick fascination, glued to the screen of its descent. Binge watching the drama of your life unravelling, slowly, season by season. Gripping entertainment at its worst. No matter the warnings, ominous music threatening the hero’s demise, still you sit back with popcorn and watch it happen. Almost in a way, dysfunctionally, satisfied at the continuing destruction before you…”How much worse can it get? Ooo, lets tune in next week and see”. Somehow paralyzed, unable to gain access to the writer’s room and alter the narrative, however fully aware you know you own the studio, licensing and creative rights.. At least that’s how it feels […]
Tag:
matter
We were so close and we promised we would be there for each other — no matter what. If you are reading this: please come back to me, I love you.
Hey man, I’ve been seeing other women and do you have an email. Or chat on here? I’m doing what i think im supposed to. But seeking more advice on the matter. I like what you and some others say. And think
I can’t just run away from my problems. I want to.. I was looking for an easy out.. A friend’s, a relative’s, maybe even trying to leave on my own and try to make it. But I can’t, I have to do this.. life, the hard way. I have to struggle, I have to fight, but I’m so tired, exhausted. I want to quit, I want more than anything to just leave everything behind, get to things and just go. But I can’t. I’m not stuck, I could do those things and run.. But I can’t. I have to work, claw, crawl, probably cry along […]
I’m not sure why my 2 previous posts were deleted explaining my life story..
after days of endless sleep research and planning .. it is just a matter of time and when before I end it.if all goes well… I end peacefully I’m at a stage where I feel so numb and I just don’t care about anything or anyone. I don’t know how to explain this feeling of emptiness. I really don’t care for my existence anymore. On one hand I feel sorry for what I will put my parents and my brother through… But it’s not like they care much anyway .. […]
I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me talk about my problems. No matter how ashamed and embarrased I felt being a 35 yr old man. Crying and sobbing and contemplating killing myself because of a girl that I fell in love with that just threw me away. I want to name names but there are so many that helped. I’m glad all you ppl cared about me. Well I felt that way. As I do you. Thanks also for adding me in the stories as they were fun and funny. They helped feel ok in my darkest of times alone, self sabotaging and […]
Hi, call me Kninea, and no that’s not my real name. We were told to not use them so this is my username now. Some of you have found this website the same way I did. Through a book, things like smooth passages. I have dealt with my own version of depression. Hasn’t everyone at least once in their life? I, myself, have fleeting moments of depression, but those moments are almost unbearable. I have decided to tell you my opinion on depression. I, honestly, have contemplated suicide, but I wouldn’t want my family to go through the pain I go through. That’s the only […]
I think I can move on. Like everyone says. I wrote and explained and tried… And I know she’s over me. Theres nothing to save. I tried.. Apologized. She said she isn’t sitting in her place sad thinking about how I lied. She’s not mad or upset. She good and doing fine. She asked since i know this too why I torture myself. I said I deserved it. I feel I do. Where i thought we had something she replied we were in two very different relationships. She don’t care. Thats all i cared about. But it doesnt matter. Makes me not want to see […]
Yes, I feel like shit and I should be allowed to feel like shit.
So, on Christmas day, I went out to eat with the guy that I like at a Chinese buffet. He’s getting his life together pretty well, he’s gotten a car from a friend and had a job off the record. He had to go afterwards though because he is popular and has tons of people in his life. I saw something on his page from the person he’s renting from, which is a girl who likes him (and is dating someone else but here in Chicago everyone has a dozen boyfriends or […]
I really want to kill myself. It seems like the only way I can somehow…escape the depression and anger and loathsome feelings and be happy. I was planning on overdosing but I hear that it’s very painful. Also that if I was not successful, getting your stomach pumped would too be painful. It seems like no one really ACTUALLY cares. Even people (1) I thought was my friend sorta is though he obviously doesn’t care. At least not about me he doesn’t. Death is inevitable so does it really matter when it is going to happen? I wish people wouldn’t make it or blow it […]
I’ve been putting it off the suicidal thoughts or attempts. I just wake up and live everyday. Hoping, waiting.. For what I know will never come. I relive every possible discussion, decision or thoughts or reasons that I had in my mind that led me to this point. Hope and support that ppl of sp bring. I just live and don’t like it. I try and forget, but I don’t. The memories are trapped inside me of a life with someone that will never happen again. I try and do what support suggests, ask myself if theres any hope. And I know there isnt. Doesnt […]
When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same. I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show. When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder […]
Trying to get in the right frame of mind for Christmas.
Here is my Christmas poem.
Christmas Eve Suicide
Twas the night before Christmas
When I’d carry out my wish
In a relaxing hot bath
I’d cut both my wrists
This time I’ll succeed
I’ve planned with such care
Either heaven or hell
Soon I’d be there
My problems and worries
will no longer matter
My tormented life memoirs
written in blood spatter
I can’t afford to pause my life, not now. Even though I feel the fight dying inside me and passion becoming a confused hot mess. Everything keeps turning to shit no matter how hard I work or what I do. I feel like I’m continuously this toxic poison that everyone is forced to live with. They all suffer because of me. All the stresses of my life bleed into theirs, and it’s not fair. I’m far from happy, beyond stressed, just plain frustrated. I don’t know who else to talk to, I can’t handle this by myself but do not want to feel like such […]
I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding […]
I made this video so people could understand a little bit about what I’ve been through. I’m in a position where I’m asking complete strangers for help. Literally no one gives a fuck. I’m about to lose everything. Everything I’ve done on my own at least. Nothing ever works out. So I’m about to get kicked out of school and I asked for the funding I need on go fund me. So far I’m the only one who’s donated which is sad right? And I get it, but between the video and the go fund me page can anyone piece together how fucking desperate I […]
I’m sick of my sickness, don’t touch me, you’ll get this
I’m useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me
Am I alone in finding a way to blame myself for every single problem, no matter how trivial? Honestly, everything is my fault. I’m sorry. Trust me, the guilt is like gravity to me.
She is perfect, and I imperfect. Things are as they should be.
I know what I’m about to say is nothing new or profound, but the hell with it. We are all made of atoms that have been around for billions of years. Every year over 98 percent of the atoms in our bodies are replaced. Think, all of us have atoms in our body from almost every human being that has ever existed. When we die this enclosed system of exchanged atoms that comprises our perceptions of ourselves ceases to exist, but the atoms themselves will still exist.
It really makes me wonder, does it really matter that I kill myself? I obviously don’t believe in the […]
Why?
Why does no one care?
Why does no one see that I’m hurting?
Why does no one understand that to me, presence is more important than presents?
Why am I still alive if I don’t want to be?
Why does life feel like a stream pulling me down? Why do I feel like it would be a lot easier to give up than to keep fighting?
Why can I not be happy?
I guess it doesn’t matter. Because, if they don’t understand my silence, the won’t understand my words.
I always knew I never mattered. So what’s happening now shouldn’t be a surprise.
I had to get away from home. I couldn’t run away and it wasn’t the time to commit suicide just yet.
I hid in the cupboard. Its nearing my 6th hour in here and no one realised I was gone. They sat at the table for dinner without me and chatted and laughed, never noticing my absence. I guess it doesn’t matter.
My father (biological) told me today that he got married. Since last Friday. I didn’t even know he was engaged. I guess I didn’t matter enough for him to tell me.
Maybe he […]