So Im wrapping up my time with the last attempt at therapy (DBT),even did extra time. My last day is in a few days,and I dont have much support afterwards. I thought maybe I had found others (IRL) who felt like me,but now its all falling apart. Everything around me is empty,and I only have one meager trip to give me some light,but then I know its time to go. My birthday is in a couple of weeks,if it werent for this trip I would end it so that I didnt turn a year older.But seriously,after that…nothing has helped,Im still miserable and nothing can make […]
Tag:
Mistake
let me start by saying, i tried to kill myself in 2003 by slitting my wrists, i made a mistake of doing it outside and i made such a scene that i was found before i could end what i had started (pity).I have never spoken to any of my friends about that night.The only person who knows what happened is me so i hope i press publish (Which will be a big moment for me ).Roll forward to 2012 and the battle inside is in full flow.I havent had a job since 2003 either which hasnt helped me (i have something wrong with me which makes it nearly impossible for anyone to […]
After a few months I grew tired of feeling sorry for myself so I started developing a website to help myself keep busy in my spare time, but to also inform others of the dangers of spending money foolishly without thinking. Econochristian.com is my website. As you can see, I somehow discovered a path to religion when all of humanity seemed to have failed me. I guess this happens quite often, but it does help to rely on a religion with many followers to help you get back on your feet.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to have all the world laying at my feet, and I could pick whatever direction I chose. My life held so much promise, and now it is decaying around me.
In the past two years I’ve been beaten by my parents, taken by CPS, thrown into the real world a month later, and killed myself working ever since. I was supposed to go to the Air Force Academy. I got a full ride to a state college instead, where I found out what I loved to do most. But now I’m sitting in this house, and all […]
Too deep to hurt,
yet too painful to ignore,
i try to forget,
but there’s blood on my floor.
screaming inside,
but mouth swollen into a smile,
i sing a song,
cause i know I’ll be here awhile.
it stings and it burns,
like fire among us,
but don’t worry at all,
i won’t make a fuss.
if you see me lie here,
just laugh and walk away,
because some things are just too fast to see,
and for a mistake you will pay.
I’m shattering inside,
a heart of broken glass,
yet with each new strike,
the pain starts to pass.
as I’ve told you before,
my mouth is […]
Ok, here I am after countless attempts to end my life all of which failed because I chickened out at the last moment or because of well…. fate. Yes, after all that’s happened I still believe in fate. If I ever succeeded in killing myself, this would be my note:
Hey Mom and Dad.
By the time you read this I will probably be gone. I couldnt leave without saying goodbye could I? I wont make it long, Mom; I know how busy you are and how little time you have. Let me start off by apologising for being the biggest disappointment in your life: it’s not […]
When i was 12 i lived in kaufman, the best place i have ever been to and lived. I use to get in to alot of messed up situations with my parents and my friends. I lived in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and it is’nt a pretty site there either. I used to be grounded for a long time and my best friend killed herself. I always wondered about myself, what if i wasn’t alive, what would my parents even care about me anyways. It was Janurary 2nd 2006, i was home by myself and i kept wondering if i should do […]
I just posted something earlier on how I stopped cutting three years ago but started again today. Well, I was talking to some friends about it but I didn’t tell them that I started cutting again. You see, my friends and family are the type that judge your every move. If you make a mistake, they won’t forget about it. I’m just tired of living up to their expectations all the damn time. Why can’t they just accept me for who I am? I’m constantly trying to change myself to please them. I was overweight and they didn’t like it so I lost 50 pounds […]
Throughtout my life I have faced many chalenges. A year ago on this Friday, May 1, I was raped by my best friend. I talked to my mom’s ex-boyfriend about it and he seemed very compassionate and willing to help me with my recent misfortune. I trusted him greatly, so I decided to spend 2 weeks at his house, which is in fact 6 hours away from my house. Needless to say, he raped me more than once in my sleep. Both of these terrible experiences have led me to extreme depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I never thought I would ever become suicidal, […]
I grew up with a mentally ill mother. She had dissosociative personallity disorder – it isn’t well known, but you have heard of its first cousin, multiple personality disorder. As a result, my entire life was a crisis – living in a home where even the slightest mistake in your wording could send your mother into a suicidal tailspin made me learn to turn all my negative feelings on myself (as a child, hating myself was always far easier than being blamed for a dissosociative episode or a suicide attempt – and, yes, she did directly blame me for some). I’ve been trying, in my […]
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