I’m so fucked its ridiculous. What’s a person supposed to do when they don’t fit into the ways of the world and can’t get what they need out of life? Just live miserably with no hope and constant heartache? I’m fucked in every way that most people call life, job, love life, sex life, marriage, kids. I’ve got no chance of any of it,I’ve just been fighting suicide crisis’s on and off for about 6 years and I always end up back here. Its not that I’m becoming desperate, I’ve been desperate for the last 6 years and its taken a toll on me – […]
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Not that I have access to a gun of course as I live in England! .. Anyway, up until a week or so ago, I THOUGHT I had successfully over come the curse of the black ending which is suicide. I don’t think I had really considered it for about a year, which was really something for me as I spent 4 or 5 years previously to that engulfed in seesaw suicide battles of which at times really brought me to my knee’s, crying against the wall etc…
Anyway, I think this turn for the worst was brought on by a supposed friend who over the […]
I recently formed new bonds with people in my life. It was a byproduct of someone giving me a helping hand, offering a new life in a new place. I have been dealing with the same garbage for years, and this was the reason I wanted to die just a few months ago. I was deluded enough to think things could change, that all I needed was a little therapy, and a change of environment.
My mind is obviously still a cluttered mess after the big changes; I haven’t put any real work in. I no longer have an interest in changing or doing the work […]
I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t benefit from my death. I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever known who I haven’t screwed over on a regular basis. I take everything for granted, I’m arrogant, obnoxious, stupid and useless and every extra minute I survive seems selfish. Too often someone actually does/says something nice to me and I hate the fact that they can’t despise me as much as I do. For all the talk of, “having so much to live for,” my doing so only seems to lessen what others have. I’ve given nothing to anyone and the only gift I have […]
So it’s been a while since I’ve posted properly. Had a good vent.
Honestly, it’s because I haven’t needed to. Things are good. They feel good. Only they don’t really feel good. Not like they should. Not like they did.
Made a new friend. It’s nice having a new friend. Distracts you from your own life.
I have a nice little community, a nice support system, if you will. And we all look out for each other. And they just accepted me in one day. And they treat me like a friend, they are genuinely interested in my life and how I’m doing. I haven’t had that in […]
I am a girl in high school. I don’t have a lot of friends and recently I quarreled with my so-called best friend. I used to have lunch and go back home with her every day. Now that we have had a fight, we no longer talk. I need to ask someone else to go back home and have lunch with me every single day. I feel like I am bringing troubles to people. I feel like they are just too nice so they wouldn’t refuse me even though they really think that I am annoying. I don’t dare talking to my so-called friends about […]
So today I was inviting people to something on facebook, and I just saw her face among my friends.
That sweet girl who used to be my friend on highschool and killed herself some years ago.
It’s kind of weird having her on facebook. It makes me feel… I don’t know how. Specially seeing her childish face when everyone else has become an adult.
It’s like if a piece of world had stopped moving. And there she is, being 19 years old forever.
I remember that I saw her a month before her dead. Even if our friendship didn’t have a good end and we hadn’t […]
Im not crazy , just alone, need employment, cant get out of house, lost my last job 2 months ago hitting on a girl, which i would never do ever but wasnt thinking clearly from the kratom. Im about 400 pounds and i feel lazy and lethargic alot. I worked at 711 for about a year, hard to keep up but i tried reallh hard. Then i got a job as a security officer. im a nice guy, why did i have to hit on that woman, i should of not did it, noe i have 14 dollars living with my brother, ive messed up […]
I don’t really know what to do anymore. I tried to kill myself once. I’m sure this time I can do it right. I know what I messed up. I’m just tired of who I am. I’m fat, like 250lbs. I’m ugly. Its obvious. For the longest time I was ok so long as I thought I was intelligent or committed, but I don’t think I am anymore. Sure I was intelligent in High school, but that barely counts now. Not that anything I learned matters, when the only jobs I can get are in a restaurant or a call center.
And now I’m alone. I […]
I left the house at 3:45 pm when I remembered I wanted to visit a few of the local thrift stores. I got to four out of five I wanted to. I found two pillows- a body on and a bed pillow. Just 30 minutes before I was unable to make a move towards anything. I was so down, I called my crisis line and just spoke for a ten minutes or so. Just enough to get myself going.
So, as I dash from one side of town to the other I am feeling- this is life! Yes! Just an hour ago I was going to […]
I’m so fucking sick of being nice to people then gettin it thrown back in my face. I don’t actually have any true mates I swear all I am is nice to them and all that shit and then they throw it back in my face and don’t talk to me. Fuck everyone.
So yesterday morning I was all ready to go. No fucking around this time. No last messages. No dramatic and theatrical end to my life.
I put the belt around my neck and suspended myself. It hurt, I won’t lie to you. The feeling of blood backing up in your head. Vision went blurry and the music I’d put on sounded all tinny and metallic. My limbs went heavy but I could still move them.
Then I heard it…
The front door opening.
We’re finally having our door fixed because it was broken into a while ago.
It was the contractor coming to finish the job. He knew I was […]
one day left. Its quite nice being so numb, i no longer think so much and no longer care about how it may affect her and everyone else. without her even being near me i can tell how hurt she is, i wish she would just let go, it would be so much easier…..people always say it’ll get better, well it never did it just got worse and even now people say it but they still don’t realise for some it never gets better, it just gets worse. I wonder whats after…..death, is it worse then this? Or better then this?
13 more days until my 60th birthday. I’ll be in San Francisco, visiting the GGB……I wonder………my heart function continues to deteriorate. There is no way the govt would put me high on a list for a transplant since I am on disability (little to no value to the US Govt). If I decide not to jump, I think I may just stop taking my heart meds and let nature take its course. I still have a nice little inheritance to blow on travel.
What do you guys think?
It’ll probably be some time next week. If all goes to plan.
I’m kind of excited, in a dark and twisted kind of way. It makes me feel more at ease knowing it’ll all be over soon.
I remember the last time I did this.
All the planning, all the secrecy. And in the end it came to nothing.
Bought a 300 pill tub of painkillers, took 2 because I had a headache part way through.
Bought 12 pints worth of beer and had one can, which was warm.
Bought a nice strong hemp rope and the beam above me wasn’t strong enough.
In the end I just fished out a razor […]
http://youtu.be/ynEaeoJJOyM
I don’t see a point of me being here. What is the point of trying when no one loves you ( I am not saying that I need to rely on someone to be here I am saying that it would be nice to be heard) I honeslty don’t care anymore. It really is all a matter of time before I am gone. No one sees me hurting. I am usually very vocal and speak my mind, I guess it’s not enough. Everyone is blind and doesn’t need to care. They only care about themselves. I don’t want to be the center of attention I […]
I’ve been thinking alot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a waste. I kinda just want to disappear. Crumble away and let a primordial wind blow away my remains. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My “friends” only show up when they need stuff so I’ve distanced myself from them. I don’t have family. I might as well be an orphan, they let me drift around aimlessly and treat me like scum. I was a good child. Great grades. Nice job. Almost finish with college. But I guess all they see is someone to benefit from. As for love, I […]
Does anyone else just get really frustrated with people who think they are helping you? The ones that constantly compliment you? Because they have this naive delusion that if they just keep saying it over and over again, somehow it will change how you think about yourself? The compliments are just awkward aren’t they? When what you believe is the exact opposite of what they are saying? You know they are trying to be nice, and they are trying to help. but it just makes you feel uncomfortable and its annoying and you wish they would stop and you hate hearing it because it feels […]
I’ve been toying with what I think is my favourite memory recently, just letting it play on repeat behind my eyes. It’s kind of a double edged blade, because when I’m in it, I’m happy. But happiness leads to overthinking, a sword I think many of us here at SP fall on regularly.
Okay, so it’s his 20th birthday. It feels like only yesterday but it was a lifetime ago now. We threw him a party at the house and so many people came. A testament to how loved he was. Scratch that. How loved he still is. I was actually enjoying myself being around other […]
Ok, so since this is my first post, I’m not going to go into my story, but I honestly just want someone to talk to. My friends don’t care or even really talk to me, so I just feel so alone. I have so many problems and I just keep them all the myself, but I’m finally starting to break. I’m 17, a senior in high school, and this is supposed to be the best year of my life. And so far it’s been the worst. It would just be nice to finally talk to someone about all of the shit I’m going through 🙂