So i’m seeing my GP tomorrow and will ask his opinion on it too.. but i was curious if anyone has felt this before.I’m taking Saroquel for sleep and to calm my anxiety. I started out with one a night and then they upped me to two and now three (75mg). It knocks me out like no other.. but then i only sleep for 2-5 hours, then i wake up. I’m wide awake for an hour or so and then get really sleepy again. I can’t sleep in at all, ever now and i’m always so exhausted. It’s almost like all i do is take […]
Tag:
night
There’s been times in my life when change rattled me so bad, that I stayed up at night pondering the endless outcomes that could take place.
Then the flip side was seeking change so I could continue on without going mad.
Looking back, I don’t enjoy the contridictions that have taken place…..and honestly, neither change or no change sounds good right now.
Perfect time to go
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I’ll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time.
.. but nothing more than an artificial light.
I can’t seem to be able to express myself properly much anymore. Nor can I express this pain that is so deeply imbedded in my heart and my soul, from there on it has hurt my body badly, and this goes on, and on, in a perpetual cycle. The sun has gone for so long. My spirit has gone for so long. I am debilitated by the relentless pain I continue to carry. It has been 6 months, and in these 6 months I have only learned of more and more that has hurt me so much until […]
It’s odd, but in reading about the middle-aged men topping the suicide statistics in the US and UK, I have fewer reservations. In reading about suicide prevention and the loss loved ones experienced, i’m not deterred, although the formula that suicide seems viable when emotional pain exceeds coping mechanisms makes sense, it doesn’t seem to fully cover it.
I know there are times when we’re overwhelmed, but today I feel clearer in my head than most (last night’s old Ambien?), and it just seems like a viable course to pursue. I may be kidding myself, but it seems like logistics are the bigger issue.
For […]
I didn’t write this nor do I have the author to credit. It was definitely something I’ve pondered. Thoughts?
What would I do.
“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and […]
It was so quiet when the music stopped
So empty when the bottom dropped
So somber when the dreamers lay
Down to die, their heartstrings frayed
The waking hours became too real
No dreams to conjure up their zeal
And then the night, too, ceased to give
A single dream to help them live
It withered them like winter does
But coated them with soot and rust
It caked their lungs in deathly plaque
And left their souls a ghastly black
Oh how they would have sacrificed
To find and bring their dreams to life
A hope on which their eyes to fix
Like miracles […]
I’ve had so many opportunities these past couple months to end it, but I keep dragging my feet. Not hanging on for things to get better, I’m not that naive. But the finality of the whole thing makes me apprehensive. I’m the one that’ll be successful on the first try, I’m aware of this.
With the clock ticking, I wish I would’ve done it sooner. The longer I wait, the more I cringe that I’m still here.
Fuck, mornings are the worst. Opening my eyes and realizing I didn’t try the night before. Then the long days that lead into night….the pattern has gone on long […]
Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to […]
When you’ve thought about suicide and have started to make decisions on little details, some aspects are kind of thought provoking.
I’m kind of torn on whether to exit during the day or night. Both have an appeal. I suppose night time due to the correlation of darkness and sleeping. I also like how not many people are up and about at night.
I do know that different times of the day reveal different moods. Guess I’ll figure it out soon enough.
She’s 13
and can already
tell you everything about
self destruction.
She can tell you how
to dress fresh cuts
in the dark with
makeshift bandages.
And which foods are easy
to throw up.
She knows a thousand
excuses,”I already ate”
“I’m just cold” , “the cat did it”
She learned to hold
all her feelings inside
until late at night
and cover her mouth
with her hand
so no one hears her.
She […]
Had some decent sleep at my girl friend’s spot last night. When we woke up, she went to work, I came home a continued my slumber. I’ve probably racked up around 14 hours of sleep.
I’m waiting to hear back from a job that I really don’t want to start. I also am wrapping up some legal trouble that is coming to a head soon.
On the outside looking in, things are coming together. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m about to engage in an upswing and I’m not wanting to, I’ve had enough of the high/low cycle.
I know my days are […]
In the morning I want to die
in the morning I want to cry
in the morning they don’t see my tears,
in the morning they don’t live my fears.
And at night it’s even worse,
I think I have some type of curse.
at night I lie awake thinking, “Why am I still here?”
they don’t need me so now where?
And at night I lie awake
thinking about the morning.
I’ve been through this before. I thought I was done feeling like this. When I was in sixth grade, I stayed up late to slit my wrists as soon as I heard my parents’ bedroom door close. I cried myself to sleep each and every night. I had a boyfriend and I knew he loved me. Or as close as love got in sixth grade. He was going through the same thing. Except he had and addiction to drugs. Whenever he cut, Â I would Too. I wanted to feel his pain. Maybe I thought it would cut his pain in half. I don’t know.
I continued […]
I lay in bed at night thinking of all the words I didn’t say. All the should of and could of’s all followed by didn’t. All these words swimming in my head. The thoughts that never end. Regret fills the voids of this life unlived. A never ending circle of constant reminders that I am nothing
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been rescued from here. And I find myself sitting here at night again. Knowning no other way out that to spil out my heart on this place.
Why didn’t I just kill myself last year. Why haven’t I done it still.
It’s because I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid to wake up again. I’m afraid that guilt will kill me if I do.. I’m afraid I will be too weak to actually commit. I’m afraid I don’t have enough know how.
The one thing I’m not afraid of is dying.
As bad as I want to die I haven’t given in yet. I’m trying really hard to make it through the next 8 weeks until my trip, it’s the only thing might save me. I want to wait until after it to make my final decision. I’m trying and fighting, even though it’s causing me unbearable pain in the process.
I might not get through the 8 weeks though, I’m barely getting through the days. I quit my job so I just sleep my days away and drink at night, but thankfully I got my Ambien prescription filled today so maybe I can sleep at night. […]
This is for those who chose to “hold my hand” last night. Questions, answers…..we are ALL pilgrims.
This is Pilgrim, sung by Ruthie Henshall, British musical theater star:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JEAln3dBE4
tonight is my last night. i’ve already said goodbye and I’m sorry to my mom. but she refuses to accept it. i told her to make sure my note is read by all the people it concerns. she’s in disbelief. my father doesn’t allow me to be upset.
i can’t live with him. it will only be arguing and fighting forever. nothing will get better. and i can’t live without him.
I’m going to see my grandparents one last time tomorrow.
im in the middle of drafting my note. i want to make sure i say everything i need to say.
I’ve tried everything. there […]
Just curious, where are you people on here all from?
PD: Having my ups and downs still, but been hanging in there for a few weeks now. I spoke up to my parents recently, I actually feel better after actually letting them in.
Feeling okay,
PURPLEPAIN