It’s been almost a year since I’ve been rescued from here. And I find myself sitting here at night again. Knowning no other way out that to spil out my heart on this place.
Why didn’t I just kill myself last year. Why haven’t I done it still.
It’s because I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid to wake up again. I’m afraid that guilt will kill me if I do.. I’m afraid I will be too weak to actually commit. I’m afraid I don’t have enough know how.
The one thing I’m not afraid of is dying.
12 comments
In the past year, what have you done to actively move forward? Think about what has worked… and what hasn’t worked. It’s a good idea to come up with some goals… and then develop a strategy for achieving those goals. Otherwise, things might not change at the pace that you’d like them to. They can change…. at different speeds for different people… but it will take some work to get the ball of change rolling.
distant.road like boy banned name from x factory. Could to work as a name on sp
What if rolling the ball just is too heavy? What if my goals are so tough that I have to work so much towards them I get depressed doing so? Please don’t use the goals card on me 🙁 It just makes me think about all the failures I have had.
Break the goals down into smaller more achievable goals. If that doesn’t work, break them down further. It’s not a “goals card” but rather a way to move past the things that have brought you down and/or held you back. If you don’t find ways to move forward and you get stuck on the obstacles for an eternity, then you’ll be in this situation for a much longer time than you’d like.
I guess it’s because I’ve always been depressed. I don’t know a better life really. From the second I thought about why I was down I realised I was down all the time. I have a few self destructive release valves. But the guilt that comes with them are equally horrible to me. I don’t like to think in goals becaues I’ve learnt that goals can fail. Besides, I can’t get my inner judge to stop judging me anyway.
After achieving a few goals, you’ll probably have a little more confidence in your ability to get stuff done. Much like the self-doubt you’re experiencing now is holding you back, that confidence can become your friend and help you get stuff done as it increases. If you never give yourself the opportunity to succeed, even on a small and manageable level, then you’ll never be able to give yourself an opportunity to experience something better. There are never any guarantees in life… but the answer is near-always a negative if you don’t try. Give yourself a chance.
You’re a nice guy( or girl but I’m guessing). You have the energy to be positive. Even if I succeed in the little things, my mind just turns to the bigger scheme and yells at me for not being good enough. In my head there’s barely any room for being positive. I can try to look to a better end but in the end it’s all the same. We’re gonna live a shit life no matter what.
You’ll never know unless you try… and by try, I mean REALLY try and give yourself a good, fair chance. Trying might mean researching how other people succeeded at it or asking others for tips… both good and bad. (What not to do is important info, too!) Whatever room for positive is in your head, use… Otherwise, it’s just a list of excuses as to why you didn’t do what you could have done.
If I were to keep drawing that line further, it’d be life itself that becomes a sad excuse… Why, why should I put in all that effort to live a happy life if I could just die and be done with it?
No matter what you choose, ravanys, I wish you good luck and happiness.
Thank you for giving up on me 🙂 It’s a welcome change 🙂
Me too. Horrified. I am not afraid of death at all. But for dying, it’s not like I have peaceful methods lying around the house. The only methods I have available would be barbaric such as self-stabbing, burning, or crawling in front of a car. So what if I stabbed myself part way and found it too painful to continue? So what if I survive and just end up more fucked than before? End up in a psych ward? Or intensive care? There is nothing easy about this. It is horrific.