I’m alone all the time. Other people my age go out and have fun…I don’t have hardly any memories I can recall. I didn’t even do anything on my 21st birthday…was alone and depressed. Wouldn’t anyone think I was the most uninteresting, worthless person in the world if they knew I spend all my nights sitting alone on my bed at night, crying most of the time saturated in misery? Aren’t I wasting this precious life and youth I’ve been given? I would have friends and fun but I can’t. I don’t connect with anyone. I lost the guy I was in love with because I was […]
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I want to share with you a story about my father. I want to share it because my depression is deeply affected by my family relations. The pain and hurts created a Pretend Girl who has been so very sad, so very alone and so very confused. Geee, a build up like that, who could turn away? 😉 I also want to share it because I think we are here in this crazy world to help one another. I want to share my story/stories and if you see part that can help you, I’d be so glad. I am going to write, to publish, to […]
Theres this nonstop pounding in my head. I still haven’t found away to slow my thoughts. I just bleed them out onto a piece of paper, but still I’m overflowing. Craving silence, but I don’t know if I will ever find that. I’d kill for someone to hold me and lie to me. Tell me I’m okay. Tell me I haven’t completely lost it. Tell me anything but the truth. I’m not ready to fall yet, but this whirling and buzzing is dizzying. I just want to feel safe. I want to let go of my fear and paranoia. If only it could be that […]
Let me tell you something: if you notice something I’ve done, if it’s not great, if you see a flaw a misstep a mistake
I probably caught it too, and I’m using it as an excuse to escape
Into old habits and unfriendly thoughts, bad methods and frequent haunts, and let me tell you something: it’s a long way down from where I am.
Let me tell you something: if I’m hurting you’ll know, but you’ll brush it off like I do because I will have my glow as camouflage
And I won’t blame you for mistaking the inferno of an implosion for sunshine, because really
The trees are screaming
The baby’s bleeding
And you my love, you are crying
Why do you weep?
So sorrowful
All these secrets you do keep
But if we could only talk
Maybe it would help
I wanna make it okay for you
I don’t know how
When I see your face
I smile and I cry
Coz every time I see you
It’s been longer than the last
And then we leave without ever speaking
I haven’t posted anything in like a month. I guess I’ve been doing okay. Haven’t really cried. I’ve just been thinking a lot. No pain I guess. I don’t even know what to say. I guess I’ve changed in some way…
I recently received my PhD in chemical engineering, I have a job in a good company and earn a decent salary. I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve never had a girlfriend although everybody says I’m a catch. Anyways I fell in love last week with a girl who’s way above me. She told me she loved me too. A week later she wants nothing to do with me. Now a normal dude would move on but every woman I have liked/loved had deserted me. Cold shoulder style. Is it okay if I just end it? I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of my […]
I wanna live but i cant go through with it but i have to. There is so much for me to hide from people. People ask me if i’m okay I fake a smile and say yes. My collection of blades scare me and trick me into thinking im okay if i cut. I scream and cry wanting it all to go away.
Nothing that out of the usual I guess, but today I swear to god was the worst I’ve had in a long fuckin’ while. If you are a parent and think it’s okay to tell your kid who they can and cannot date and how to live their life, then fuck you. Apparently my mother thinks it’s okay to boss me around and bash my decisions in life. WELL FUCK THAT. FUCK HER. FUCK EVERYTHING. If I really wanna smoke, then I’ll fuckin’ smoke. If I wanna date him or her, then I’ll fuckin’ date him or her. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME HOW TO […]
While generally I don’t adorn purely musical/lyrical posts… There is little point to be human if you don’t find yourself hypocritical.
“If you don’t have a song
To sing you’re okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
‘Cause it’s just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don’t believe in the wasting of time,
But I don’t believe that I’m wasting mine
If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
And I’d sure appreciate it
Everyone […]
I’ve had an okay life, better than some worse than others I guess. Thirteen years of confusion, pain, anxiety, love, depression, loneliness, among many other emotions. Even from the start though I never saw the point in living, my first thought of suicide at the age of four; they weren’t too serious though, I was just wondering I guess. After that I didn’t really think much about suicide for a few years (I’m pretty sure), the next time was probably just occasionally during grades 4, 5 and 6 when I was getting bullied by people at school and persistently beaten up by my brother when […]
My Sadness makes no sense,
So, to you:
It’s unacceptable.
It’s selfish,
It’s not okay.
My Sadness comes from failure:
Failure to satisfy you,
The world,
Myself.
I fear failure and so I fall.
My Sadness hides in shadows
Behind smiles,
Behind bravado,
Behind happiness –
I’m not allowed this Sadness.
My Sadness crushes my windpipe.
I’m drowning,
Sinking,
Dying slowly
Smiling all the while.
My Sadness is forbidden
So I sneak it
In the dark,
Round the corner,
On my own.
My Sadness isn’t a weapon
To use against you,
I hate the Sadness.
Just like you
I’m sorry
They say it’s okay.
That it’s gonna get better.
They don’t understand.
They think it’s a phase.
That we’re just overreacting.
They think we’re okay.
They see the fucking signs,
They just don’t care.
They don’t hear the voices.
They don’t feel the pain.
They don’t know.
And we won’t tell.
On that day
I felt okay
The best in a while
I could even smile
But then you left
And I was bereft
I watched you go
You didn’t even slow
No explanation
Just pure damnation
All your hatred justified
All my pain and then I cried
its been a tough couple of years..sixth grade and up was bad. my eighth grade year, my dad passed away..two months before i entered high school. R>I.P 7/19 i entered 9th grade alone and lost…i hated the world and i had a huge gap in my heart..from 7th til this day, i used self harm as an escape..after my dad passed away from cancer, i didnt eat and i constantly self harmed..a week and a half before homecoming, i lost all my friends due to rumors that everyone made up..saying i slept around and did drugs..none of it ever happened and none of it was […]
I want people to ask me if I’m okay. I want to know people still care. I want to know I matter. I want to be loved, just like everyone else. I want to be accepted. I want to fit in. I want to be wanted.
It’s obvious I’m not okay. For gods sake I’m a twelve year old suicidal. So why do I stay alive? I’m young, I’ve made nothing for myself yet. Who would even care? I get bullied for wearing glasses. Pushed for looking different. So I dont care. One day I will do it. Probably some day soon.
Pickup you tears
The icy gaze
Downwards
The dark staircase
The only candle in the room
Stumble, snuffed out
The Poltergeist
With his wife
To descend?
Alas I can’t leap
I’m just a lonely ghost
A gentle tug
A push
And then a fall
Embracing the Poltergeist
Before I go to hell
I grab his hand
We walk down
Into the mist
I smile into His eyes
The eyes of the Poltergeist
Everything is okay now
I thought I was okay but I’m fucked, I’m just fucked. I’m really fucked up.
I will NEVER love myself. I can’t ever picture myself being confident or happy with who I am and happy with how I look. I hate every single thing about myself. I hate my eyes, I hate my hair, I hate my nose, my mouth, my chest, my body, my legs, everything. I hate everything. I can’t even live with myself at this point. I honestly can not picture ever being okay with myself, so if I’m going to live such a miserable life, why am I even alive?