Tuesday

I’ve had an okay life, better than some worse than others I guess. Thirteen years of confusion, pain, anxiety, love, depression, loneliness, among many other emotions. Even from the start though I never saw the point in living, my first thought of suicide at the age of four; they weren’t too serious though, I was just wondering I guess. After that I didn’t really think much about suicide for a few years (I’m pretty sure), the next time was probably just occasionally during grades 4, 5 and 6 when I was getting bullied by people at school and persistently beaten up by my brother when I got home. I dealt with all of that by cutting, that’s how my addiction started. Those thoughts weren’t persistent though, just every now and then. During the holidays between the start of year 7 and grade 6 my brother changed, he found Buddhism and turned into someone I didn’t know and couldn’t relate with; he was alot nicer and he stopped beating me up but he also stopped having the same problems as me, no depression, no pain just pure compassion. This was nice in some ways and alot worse in others, I had lost my best-friend forever. Not to put anyone off Buddhism because it really is a very good religion, the only one I would recommend it’s just that it changed my brother alot. When year 7 started, that was when the shit really hit the fan. I knew one person in my grade from primary school but we weren’t friends, all the other people I knew at that school were the people that had bullied me in primary. I eventually made some friends in that grade, they weren’t my type but were the only ones I could have. It was all going okay for a bit but then I started listening to music in class to block out the world and so I didn’t have to talk to my “friends”. This was all going fine as well until I started to pretend I couldn’t hear them, They used to say my name and I would ignore them, so they started calling me other, more hurtful names and shout things about me. They started bullying me like everyone else used to. The first time it happened I didn’t know what to do, I was just extremely hurt and confused “What had I done to deserve this?” obviously something unknown to me. I didn’t know what to do, all I though of was to beat my head against a window till it broke and I could slit my throat, walk out of the classroom and get away or to just stay there; sadly I chose the latter and hurt myself all the more. This happened quite frequently over the next couple of weeks until I told one of them we weren’t friends anymore and stopped hanging out with them. I then spent the rest of the year sitting on my own or with two guys who everyone hated for some reason. Out of class I had friends, but they eventually left me as well. About three quarters through the year I went to my best friend from out of school’s house. That was the worst day of my life (after being born), he hurt me so bad that day and I don’t even know why, it was so out of the blue but it was terrible. I the only way I survived that day was pretending to go to the toilet ad then crying, I did that a few times. My phone was dead so I couldn’t text my mum to pick me up, that was excruciating. In the last term of school my new friends ditched me like everyone else and I wandered around the school yard alone, thinking about all of the ways I could kill myself whilst wishing I was dead or unconscious. By the end of the school year I was finally getting help, though it was quite minimal and probably insufficient. During the holidays I got a bit better but when I came back to school it all got shitty again though not as bad as before because I had friends in my grade. Eventually I got a girlfriend that I didn’t really want but loved anyway, she introduced me to drugs and after a bit we broke up because I was too depressed for her (I think). That is the majority of my “story” except I didn’t go into much detail about primary school and before that. This is a timed message and is also my suicide note so I will almost certainly not be on here ever again unless I fail or back out. Goodbye SP, on my short time here it has been nice. Thankyou to everyone who ever read/commented on any of my posts. You are all such nice people, I wish you the best in life. Stay strong.
– alonelybird