This Loathsome test of life, that nothing is in my hand
except the power to take away my own life
My heart does not desire what i want to do
and i stop myself from doing things that i want to do
My mind is not mine to think, what i want to think
God, why are you testing me with pain
O Sadist, Do you want to give me pain
even bigger than the pain of this life
Or are you waiting that i get so disappointed with life
that i take my life by my own hands
So that you can get a […]
i liked this quote. I like Edgar Allen Poe. So here it is. It has no reference in particular; I just read some of his work today and it stuck in my mind.
it’s been months since my last post on here – good news I guess. But now I’m back – bad new now, I guess. Everything’s been okay-ish. I was recently re-admitted to hospital for abdominal pains, had another operation and I’m out again, for now anyways. Now, surely, when you’re in hospital, your ‘other half’ shall we say should want to see you, correct? Or at least want to talk to you, if […]
Killz’ Eye View is back from the Crowz Nest and his Hiatus to bring another fuckin enlightening episode on faith, dreams, and the power to move forward past opposition by leading by example. My #killrz keep #killinit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BkojoxOf7w
Audio is a bit skewed in spots because of the bullshit program I had to use, but I’ll be back to my gold standard Adobe Premiere for the next episode!
I had the power of a dream
Change was mine to choose
Yet when the light pours in
The power I will lose
This man inspires me. He has that edge that I got inside my heart. He has the star power bursting in my chest. Only difference is his dream manifested. Mine will one day. I see it in my thought life every day.
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve come to the conclusion you can get yourself out of depression .. without therapy or antidepressants
I’ve made a lot of progress since late 2011 – early 2012 .. back then I was very depressed with suicidal thoughts
I felt depleted of energy throughout the day regardless of how long I had stayed in bed
I remember that one time, I tried doing pushups but couldn’t find the strength .. leaving this world was the one and only thing that truly resonated with me, everything else was just blah
these days, I feel good most of the time and I experience levels […]
Im done. Im finished. Theres nothing left more me. No more energy, no more strength and no more will power. Through the most stupid shit my life ended. Im a shell. Im dead inside. Im sick of feeling like this. I don’t possess the balls to off myself, all I can do is pray that someone kills me. Its not hard and I won’t be missed. Fuck heaven and fuck hell. I just want my pathetic blip to be wiped out. Fuck it im done!
Hopefully this is not the end but it seems to be getting closer. I never thought I would be the type to quit the fight. However after 46 years it is getting harder to hang on. My depression and anxiety have spiraled so low that there seems like no light at the end of the tunnel.
People always say what about the friends and family you would be devastating, but what worth to them am I when the limits of my abilities is making dinner a night or two a week. My poor spouse has to work and go to school so she can get extra […]
I am at the point where ever day is torture. The only way to get some sore of peace is through sleep. I wish G-D would help. He has the power to change it all around but yet he does not. Makes me wonder is this what I was meant to feel? Is this what I was created for? The pain is to much. The mental torture is indescribable. How I wish things were different.
I’ll be fine, less down. going about my day, and WHAM, a sense of despair, of sadness, of desperation strong enough to metaphorically (and sometimes literally) drop me to the ground will slam into me. Just out of nowhere, the pain is so much, too much. I don’t want this anymore. Please, make it stop. If there’s a higher power, if there’s a dash of kindness in the universe, make it stop. Make me stop. Let me die. I can’t handle this. I don’t want to feel this anymore. There isn’t anywhere for me on this […]
I was raised to think that depression and suicide were selfish acts committed in the despair and hollowness of one’s own soul based on their selfish desires. My mom gave me this idea. Strange, seeing how she used to be suicidal.
I have seen the families of suicide victims first hand. They rot away until they are dead themselves. Mere skins of the people they once were. And I feel selfish.
Why do I want to put my family through that? Why do I want to take my own life just because it would benefit me? Went to church today and the preacher was talking about […]
these sites/things have been lovely in different ways at different times….. near-death.org(something close if not this exact, its a storage for stories of near death experiences, all kinds, you couldnt read it all in a day), access consiousness/rikka zimmerman(the male founder said if things didnt change, he was gone…now rikka (plenty more than her out there with infinate positivity to spare, cant recall names)who is all over you tube is doing her own projects and is into loving self and intensely so), a church but not for the info(could be limited perspective) for the great music show and the super energy from thousands of ppl […]
Still here. Unfortunately. I can’t even find the bravery kill myself and make the world better for everyone around me (and for me).
My cousin hanged himself in 1993, out in Colorado. My other cousin was an alcoholic and flipped his truck in 1997 and offed himself that way. Not on purpose, I think, but how many happy alcoholics do you know? And here sits the other genetic freak of the family, the other poor sucker unfortunate enough to feel. I was 12 when the first one went, 16 when the second one did. They were both in their […]
alright. i hope you’re still at the casino
let me know, will you say no
pick-me up with the automobile, and let’s go
triple our vegan power
can you be red and blue, like mario
what do i do
oh, wao-wao
…
message. all over…
nothing-more…
can i just walk…
let-me know.
Back-to…
Anno Domini
I’m at the end
The fool, who is it
Tell me, because I don’t know
Evermore, that’s where I come from
Underneath, I want to bring-it, the power
But, I am
And so, I seek the oracle for the spirits
Hanashi, to infinity and beyond
Live-long and prosper
Please, lead us to the path
I’m just a homie, but I ain’t got nobody
I want, the man to be, the home-dog
The one on the boat
Imagine that, Ms. Gunslinger
I got no-one else to sing to, anymore
I’m the lone-stranger, take-it back
My birthright
But I don’t have anybody
.
I thought I was going to bed, but I can’t…
So, I thought… I may rant a bit… you guys can just ignore this if ya want.
But, I don’t know what the kids at the fucking elementary school are teaching my niece and nephew to say, but if I hear the word “puta” one more fucking time I’m going to knock someones teeth down their god damned throat.
It brings up… really… bad… memories for me.
My cousins are fluent in Spanish, and well, the one who raped me… Called me “puta” when I cried about it…
and all I can hear when people say it is their voice, […]
In the holdup, can you feel-it’ shake-it
What can I ignite about all from a dead-past
All the way to the
I’m so far-away, I’m so far-away
From the deepest-vines of the fronts
Here to destroy the iron in gold
But I’m so far-away, all-the-way to the burial
In the holdup, can you feel-it’ shake-it
I’m trying to get a hold of, him
Here from where I stand, justifying every-grain, in light
I’m asking, I’m here, for the wisdom, power, and heart
Am I at war, can I be your comrade against-it
So far, away
Friend: If you had the choice, which super-power would you choose ?
Me: The power To-Be-Happy
Friend: Why ?
Me: We wish to become a Super-hero, like the ones who decorate our books, movies and comics, with their Super-natural powers. Their powers, is what we wish for: their ability to fly, be invincible, breathe fire, or extraordinary speed. Is speed needed when we need to slow down; why want invincibility when lack-of-acknowledgement is the root cause of our sadness; asking to fly when the ground is not understood is useless; breathing fire into a world that closely resembles hell –l is just plain sad. Asking for the Super-natural […]
This is me, it always was and always will. What do you see. Behind my power.