I have been irritated off and on like a bipolar fuck, no patience in the world mainly because my dad’s too much of a tight ass to let me spend one fucking day with my cousins because their mom is never home yet my other aunts and uncle live there too but no getting through that moron unless another adult tells him that. He told me he needed me to earn his trust again after one of my cousins snitched on me and Alex about smoking weed, apparently together yet we never did. I cant believe this shit. I am angry as fuck and just […]
My background:
I had started wondering about death and would habitually wish for death and say ‘never mind’ 3 times afterward. This started when I was around 10, until one day I stopped saying ‘never mind’ and decided to see what would happen.
My life has been met with intense anger, anger that caused me to once whip my mother with a PC controller wire after I smashed it off the banister when I was around 16.
I started cutting myself on Valentine’s Day 2007, senior year. I started under the notion that everyone would leave me once we graduated. They all did except one. My last friend […]
are we half alive when we dream? or do we dream because we are half alive? would life be better if we were in a dream? if we continue as we are when we die.. how do we know some of us arnt already dead? what do we live for? if we have pain and hate and love and death… how can we be happy? tragic things … what makes life all worth it.. if nothing was worth it.. wede all be gone… so obviasly … there is always sompthing worth living for… what if we never felt pain.. even though … life has torn […]
My feelings about suicide after a beloved family member took their own life in 2012.
Happier Times
December 16, 2008 – Tuesday […]
Okay so everyone always wants to know what my problem is, why I feel this way or why I seem totally unable to make things better. But for fucks sake they don’t know me, or my history, so they’re in no position to judge! The fact is if they did, they’d probably understand why I want to die as badly as I do. And trust me it’s such a long, sordid and sad story that half the time I wouldn’t even know where to start or how to explain. Sometimes I look at the way my life has turned out and it makes me fume with […]
I live my everyday with a six year old who tells me she hates me, that I disgust her and tells me how to run the household. Sounds pretty normal for dysfunction aside from the spitting, kicking, biting, screaming and rage she throws along with it. You think she sounds defiant well that doesn’t even skim the surface, this has been going on for years and I’m exhausted and just tapped out. I promised myself I would never scream at my child or spank her because I had that from my father growing up and it had lasting effects. Nothing works with […]
I hate myself, I want to die
No one understands, no one cares
This world would be a better place,
If only I didn’t exist
The pain never stops,
The darkness is closing in
I close my eyes and hope they never open again
I want to scream,
All this rage inside
I wish I had a gun,
To end all this craziness inside in my head
I am so alone,
 So Much emptiness inside
Why can’t anyone here me?
Because nobody cares.
All these tears keep falling,
I wonder how theres any left
My heart is beating so fast,
I feel like it’s slowly breaking
Why can’t it just stop?
To take one last final breath in this world,
Would bring such peace inside
Why is […]
i told my mum earlier that i wanted her to die, it was a bit irrational an obviously i didnt mean it. she took my laptop away from me, for which i already didnt have the internet on. i flipped out, i dont know why. i just went crazy and started to cry. i cant live without the freaking thing!! i’d have to sit in my room and actually live my life. and for years the internet has become something that helps me escape from my “life”.
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she rubbed it in though. “you dont know what its like to have someone that close to you die” […]
 I thought my life would be extraordinary. I have looks, intelligence, and charm, yet it all went so wrong. I started puberty at an alarmingly young age-when I was 10 I looked 16. This really upset my father, so he decided to deal with it by putting loads of pressure on me to excel and by saying hurtful comments about my appearance and life. This shredded my self-esteem, causing me to spend my high school years scared and lonely. Then my freshman year of college, I met a 400 pound guy who was flunking out of school and decided to hitch my wagon to […]
I’m sure many posts have started the same way mine will; I’ve never written a post before in my life. But things have escalated to the point where I have to say this somewhere…..anywhere. And this seems as good a place as any.
I was married at 18, got pregnant on my honeymoon, so had my first child by the time I was 19. My husband and I had known eachother since I was 13 and he was 15. We were the best of friends until things started changing when I was 16, and we fell in love.
I honestly believed my life was set. We had […]
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