No Easy Answers…
September 20th, 2010 by Shelly
Okay so everyone always wants to know what my problem is, why I feel this way or why I seem totally unable to make things better. But for fucks sake they don’t know me, or my history, so they’re in no position to judge! The fact is if they did, they’d probably understand why I want to die as badly as I do. And trust me it’s such a long, sordid and sad story that half the time I wouldn’t even know where to start or how to explain. Sometimes I look at the way my life has turned out and it makes me fume with rage while other times it fills me with sadness or else it just leaves me numb… and often makes me burst into tears. If I could turn back the pages of time and rewrite my past to make things better I would, I really would. But no matter how awful it makes me feel in the here and now I simply can’t undo all that damage, suffering and hurt. For as long as I can remember I’ve had major self esteem and self worth issues, major self image and self hatred issues and also major self destructive and self harm issues. Or to put it another way I’ve always loathed myself and seen myself as disgustingly fat, ugly and deformed and I’ve never had any confidence whatsoever in my potential or my abilities and I constantly feel like I’m unworthy of anything I do or anyone who might love, value and care for me as I invariably end up hurting them and that in turn makes me wanna bash my face in, slash my wrists or blow my brains out! Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong in this world either, like I’m a total outsider no matter where I am or who I’m with. I’m normally just soo lost in my own tortured thoughts, feelings and memories that I find relating to other people really difficult and know I come across as too intense, awkward and distracted… and maybe as a bit of a tryhard as well. The painful fact is I’ve screwed up my life in so many ways and made so many terrible mistakes it makes me feel sick, and at age 38 I find myself living on the margins of society in a situation that at the moment is looking bleaker and more uncertain than ever. So you guessed it, that’s where the suicide factor comes into play.
When I was younger my family situation wasn’t very nice and after I ran away from home to begin my transition we became soo completely estranged from one another that even when my mum, three of my grandparents, an uncle and my dad passed away I wasn’t there to be with them. As for my remaining family well it’s unlikely that I’ll ever see or hear from them again. But what they don’t care to know is that I never stopped loving my mum for one moment and I desperately wanted to let her know how I still felt and reconcile with her, and oh god how I longed for her to hold me in her arms! A few well meaning people have said to alleviate my feelings of grief perhaps I should write a note to her then burn it, but I’m sorry I just don’t believe in superstitions like that… she’s gone forever, what difference will that make? To complicate matters even further one of the people I live with is chronically ill, and it now seems that the onus of responsibility for his care has shifted more and more onto me. However I’ve quietly been planning to kill myself before I turn 40 and this whole affair is making me feel incredibly compromised, manipulated and forced into staying alive longer than I want to. So I feel at present like screaming at someone, breaking something or tearing my hair out in frustration at the sheer unfairness of it all. I mean why can’t anyone see I’ve become so fed up with living in this world that I don’t want to be here anymore, and just, let me go.
Yours Warmly, Shelly.
Sep 20, 2010 @ 05:22:54
First one is the MBTI personality type test here: http://sminds.com/mbti/
(it’s free)
Second is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) self-test here: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
Third is Indigo, Crystal and starseed children characteristics (just google them and take some time to read them).
It’s always never easy for these “three” groups of people above to walk in daily life, especially in this ‘dog-eat-dog’ world.
Even I myself am easily overwhelmed, depressed, feeling hopeless, and even having suicidal thoughts, when I see how humanity seems to operate.
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Sep 20, 2010 @ 06:03:20
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Sep 20, 2010 @ 14:48:58
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Sep 20, 2010 @ 18:50:55
I understand you’re form Australia? I am too. Living in Canberra for the past 2.5 years, moved down from Sydney to work in the PS. I find your post interesting because I feel MUCH the same way, only admittedly not as intense, so can understand your frustrations to some degree. My own self-esteem and self-worth issues have seen me only ever in one relationship, which was a marriage gone wrong, been separated since March 2006, haven’t been with anyone since, court date for divorce is this Friday 23 Sept. Incidentally, I turn 40 on Thursday 23 Sept. Interesting how you say you’re looking from the margins of society. I often feel like I am looking at society as an outsider looking in, at everyone, seemingly enjoying life and each other while I am socially marginalised. Looking at my photos you’d be excused to think otherwise but cannot always judge a book by its cover so to speak. Do you have a facebook profile?
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Sep 20, 2010 @ 23:35:35
But you know when all is said and done it is a world seemingly gone mad with greed and selfishness, hate and intolerance and even if it’s directly responsible for countless damaged lives it’ll never be held accountable and if anything it sees us as collateral damage and just writes us off. So yeah, I must admit I myself have no love lost for it!!! U_U
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Sep 21, 2010 @ 00:08:51
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Sep 21, 2010 @ 10:58:36
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Sep 21, 2010 @ 13:55:57
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Sep 21, 2010 @ 18:42:06
Legend has it that one evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.”
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Sep 22, 2010 @ 04:30:28
I spent about three and a half years in intensive therapy with a psychologist dealing with all these issues, but it takes a long time, and it’s emotionally exhausting and I don’t know if I have the patience anymore to keep on persevering for what are very meagre rewards and limited results. Also at the end of the day my future still looks bleak and I’ll always be an extremely haunted person, to some extent anyway. That’s why when I decide to take that plunge and kill myself I’ve already written my final blog which will be posted sometime next year…
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Sep 22, 2010 @ 18:41:18
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=843499694#!/?ref=home
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Sep 24, 2010 @ 08:34:12
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Dec 19, 2010 @ 17:11:37
I turned 40 in Sept. I relate to everything you wrote in your original post. In the new year I plan to make an exit…something I wish I did a few years back. This existence has been unfathomably harsh., and I’m a good guy. If you feel like skyping or talking some time–I’d be up for it. Not to talk you out of it or give you advice…no doubt you know what you’ve experienced and my heart goes out, cause no one can relate. I read your post and felt the urge to reply. Shout back if you feel. clnrch7@yahoo.ca Best. Softsoul.
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Jan 06, 2011 @ 01:09:54
* Well mostly, I still have one or two every so often…
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