Okay so everyone always wants to know what my problem is, why I feel this way or why I seem totally unable to make things better. But for fucks sake they don’t know me, or my history, so they’re in no position to judge! The fact is if they did, they’d probably understand why I want to die as badly as I do. And trust me it’s such a long, sordid and sad story that half the time I wouldn’t even know where to start or how to explain. Sometimes I look at the way my life has turned out and it makes me fume with rage while other times it fills me with sadness or else it just leaves me numb… and often makes me burst into tears. If I could turn back the pages of time and rewrite my past to make things better I would, I really would. But no matter how awful it makes me feel in the here and now I simply can’t undo all that damage, suffering and hurt. For as long as I can remember I’ve had major self esteem and self worth issues, major self image and self hatred issues and also major self destructive and self harm issues. Or to put it another way I’ve always loathed myself and seen myself as disgustingly fat, ugly and deformed and I’ve never had any confidence whatsoever in my potential or my abilities and I constantly feel like I’m unworthy of anything I do or anyone who might love, value and care for me as I invariably end up hurting them and that in turn makes me wanna bash my face in, slash my wrists or blow my brains out! Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong in this world either, like I’m a total outsider no matter where I am or who I’m with. I’m normally just soo lost in my own tortured thoughts, feelings and memories that I find relating to other people really difficult and know I come across as too intense, awkward and distracted… and maybe as a bit of a tryhard as well. The painful fact is I’ve screwed up my life in so many ways and made so many terrible mistakes it makes me feel sick, and at age 38 I find myself living on the margins of society in a situation that at the moment is looking bleaker and more uncertain than ever. So you guessed it, that’s where the suicide factor comes into play.
When I was younger my family situation wasn’t very nice and after I ran away from home to begin my transition we became soo completely estranged from one another that even when my mum, three of my grandparents, an uncle and my dad passed away I wasn’t there to be with them. As for my remaining family well it’s unlikely that I’ll ever see or hear from them again. But what they don’t care to know is that I never stopped loving my mum for one moment and I desperately wanted to let her know how I still felt and reconcile with her, and oh god how I longed for her to hold me in her arms! A few well meaning people have said to alleviate my feelings of grief perhaps I should write a note to her then burn it, but I’m sorry I just don’t believe in superstitions like that… she’s gone forever, what difference will that make? To complicate matters even further one of the people I live with is chronically ill, and it now seems that the onus of responsibility for his care has shifted more and more onto me. However I’ve quietly been planning to kill myself before I turn 40 and this whole affair is making me feel incredibly compromised, manipulated and forced into staying alive longer than I want to. So I feel at present like screaming at someone, breaking something or tearing my hair out in frustration at the sheer unfairness of it all. I mean why can’t anyone see I’ve become so fed up with living in this world that I don’t want to be here anymore, and just, let me go.
Yours Warmly, Shelly.
14 comments
Shelly, try taking these tests and see what the results come out:
First one is the MBTI personality type test here: http://sminds.com/mbti/
(it’s free)
Second is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) self-test here: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
Third is Indigo, Crystal and starseed children characteristics (just google them and take some time to read them).
It’s always never easy for these “three” groups of people above to walk in daily life, especially in this ‘dog-eat-dog’ world.
Even I myself am easily overwhelmed, depressed, feeling hopeless, and even having suicidal thoughts, when I see how humanity seems to operate.
I want to die, I want the pain to stop, and if there is an afterlife (which I seriously doubt) I want to see my mum again so much it hurts. But me being a Highly Sensitive Person type would come as no surprise… =(
Shelly I want you to stop the mental self talk telling yourself your fat, ugly and deformed. When you do that your mind believes it and makes it true. Force yourself to tell yourself the opposite.
Hi Shelly
I understand you’re form Australia? I am too. Living in Canberra for the past 2.5 years, moved down from Sydney to work in the PS. I find your post interesting because I feel MUCH the same way, only admittedly not as intense, so can understand your frustrations to some degree. My own self-esteem and self-worth issues have seen me only ever in one relationship, which was a marriage gone wrong, been separated since March 2006, haven’t been with anyone since, court date for divorce is this Friday 23 Sept. Incidentally, I turn 40 on Thursday 23 Sept. Interesting how you say you’re looking from the margins of society. I often feel like I am looking at society as an outsider looking in, at everyone, seemingly enjoying life and each other while I am socially marginalised. Looking at my photos you’d be excused to think otherwise but cannot always judge a book by its cover so to speak. Do you have a facebook profile?
Yes I have facebook, not that I use it much anymore, I dunno I just have other online places I prefer using cuz to be honest fb has gone downhill a bit recently. Yes ‘an outsider looking in’ is a fantastic description of feeling marginalised, alienated and outcast in a world that’s obviously completely disinterested in you, how you feel or what you’re going through…
But you know when all is said and done it is a world seemingly gone mad with greed and selfishness, hate and intolerance and even if it’s directly responsible for countless damaged lives it’ll never be held accountable and if anything it sees us as collateral damage and just writes us off. So yeah, I must admit I myself have no love lost for it!!! U_U
Oh god alluvion I try to, I really do! But it’s just soo incredibly hard to stop a lifetimes worth of negative thinking for I guess when it’s drummed into you repeatedly by the very people who’re meant to love, care for and protect you as a child sooner or later you start believing it…
Yes you do start believing it. So start lying to yourself the other way until you start believing your not.
hi-im glad that people find a way 4ward-4 me there is no way 4ward and in japan people meet all the time 2 passover 2gether and i know 4 a fact it has been done in england many times look at ash site and news reports-i am certain of what i want and wd like2 meet another adult and i specify rational adult who feels the same way-i am not silly and yes ive thought about everything and in perspective-i am in the uk-thanku 4 the txts and calls ive received already but i feel so far as though u r indecisive and unsure and i only want contact with people who r sure as i am and wd like comfort by holding each others hand-the h2s and coal method wd be most appropriate and wd give the desired outcome 2 us both-i am still scared and if u ffl the same as i do and want it 2 end as badly as i do then pls contactme-pls do not contact me if u r undecided cos i am going 2 tell u 2 go away and try harder 2 live-cos obviously theres still hope 4u-in london and will b persistant until i find sum1 likeminded-pls text or ph anytime-i wd not give out my number if i was not serious-i wd like genuine souls who r like ,chased,on 18th sept-her story echoed mine-so glad 4 her that the strength and inner calmness came 2 do it-if u wd like 2 b my companion pls txt or ph me-07827 514 375 thanku and kind regards
What Alluvion is suggesting reminds me of a tale. I cite it below but acknowledge that it is much easier said than done, especially given Shelly’s family life and difficulties – so do not want to come across as pontificating advice. 🙂
Legend has it that one evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.”
Both alluvion and surrealist, thanks for your comments! You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little sensitive but I often misperceive sound advice bluntly given as a personal attack because at times it seems people can view me as someone who’s just feeling sorry for herself which honestly is soo not the case, as I hate feeling this way! I mean why would anyone in their right mind choose to be like this, it doesn’t make sense!? O.o
I spent about three and a half years in intensive therapy with a psychologist dealing with all these issues, but it takes a long time, and it’s emotionally exhausting and I don’t know if I have the patience anymore to keep on persevering for what are very meagre rewards and limited results. Also at the end of the day my future still looks bleak and I’ll always be an extremely haunted person, to some extent anyway. That’s why when I decide to take that plunge and kill myself I’ve already written my final blog which will be posted sometime next year…
Totally fair enough. Hey if you are interested feel free to add me on facebook. 🙂
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=843499694#!/?ref=home
Hey surrealist happy birthday for yesterday by the way! Yay, hip hip hooray! Now please tell me, how does it feel!? >.>
-Hey Shelly
I turned 40 in Sept. I relate to everything you wrote in your original post. In the new year I plan to make an exit…something I wish I did a few years back. This existence has been unfathomably harsh., and I’m a good guy. If you feel like skyping or talking some time–I’d be up for it. Not to talk you out of it or give you advice…no doubt you know what you’ve experienced and my heart goes out, cause no one can relate. I read your post and felt the urge to reply. Shout back if you feel. clnrch7@yahoo.ca Best. Softsoul.
Hey softsoul, sorry I only just found your comment as I haven’t looked at my posts in a while. And thanks for the kind offer! I’ve been doing alot of weighing up and am now willing to stick around a bit longer to give things a chance, but not over the age of 42 or 43 cuz that’s my absolute limit and where I draw the final line. However this year is the first time I haven’t been in hospital in five years, and I’ve even given up smoking to boot! Woohoo! Considering I was in twice in 2009, twice in 2008 and the three years before that I lost count I think that’s a fucking big achievement! I mean I was pretty much institutionalised as I was in and out, in and out so often it became a vicious cycle. I also didn’t self harm or fully disassociate last year so that’s a plus as well. 2010 certainly wasn’t a good year for me but I feel the fact that I didn’t let things get out of hand is fantastic, though my plan to suicide is still one hundred percent active and inevitable. Anyways, thanks for listening peeps!!! ^_^
* Well mostly, I still have one or two every so often…