People say that just having been born is a miracle…but what if your life has just seemed like a constant unrelenting series of break and enters. That’s how I feel. All of my major stages of life right from early childhood have just been marked with catastrophic events. I’ve posted before what’s happened to me so I won’t go into that again <hears cheers>. I’ve had two psychologists tell me that I’m the worse case they’ve seen. One even told me that even though she’s trained not too feel her patient’s pain she told me that my case affected her. That’s no lie. At 53 […]
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Just by happenstance, I stumbled upon this site 10 minutes ago. I saw a quote elsewhere, searched it, and google took me to a post from December of last year. And I sort of had to join.
I don’t know how much I’ll post, I don’t know how much I’ll even come back to this site. But here, right now, this feels like something I need.
I’m in a new city. I have an internship, but it’s unpaid. I don’t know anyone. And my best friend, my single confidant, the only person who I can share these feelings with, moved across the country and is indisposed for […]
I’ll be home soon mum. We’ll be where no man can hurt us. I juts gotta see dad right first then I’ll come home ok. Love you xx.
I’ve been trying to write a break-up letter to my mother for at least a week now. The week before, I waited to make sure I was making the right choice and was not acting uncharacteristically emotional.
I want to write this letter, but I just can’t be bothered. It seems like too much effort. Maybe I need to write down the main points and then flesh it out. Don’t really know why I’m doing it though. I mean, if I’m never going to speak to her or any of her siblings again, do I really care what she thinks? Maybe I’m doing it so she […]
I’ve always been told that I’m living wrong, I’m doing things wrong, I have the wrong hobbies and interests, hanging out with the wrong friends, being either to shy or to loud, spending my time wrong, treating people wrong. And I have always believed them, my family, my friends, my teachers or whoever I was in contact with. I tried to be like them, like the “cool guys at school” even though it was exactly them who bullied me for years; I tried to befriend them and act like them, because every input I got from anyone was about me being wrong and them being […]
I am at this very moment, suicidal. I have no real support and have found myself here, with all of you. My husband, whom I love more than almost anything has just said to me that he has met someone online while out of town for work, and that he doesn’t want me anymore. This isn’t the first time he’s said he doesn’t want me anymore. Over the last six years, he has put me down, left me, hurt me and destroyed my being. I can honestly tell you in this moment that if I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t be here writing, I’d be […]
just wondering since they have that right to die law or whatever that passed. what if some people went like in a group to Oregon and found a doctor who could help? if not they have alot of forests i guess
I’m so tired of everything. I’m bullied almost everyday because I’m ugly or too skinny or because i never do anything right. I’m worthless, I’m not good enough for anybody, I never was and I never will be. None of my friends act like they even care, half of my family doesn’t act like they care either. Everything I do is wrong, no matter if I try my best it’s still not good enough. I’m just a waste of space here. I think this week may be my last week. I just can’t do this anymore.
“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.’”
I first read this line around 5 years ago in college and I didn’t quite understand it. I was thinking of suicide back then too, but not particularly as a good or comforting thing. Back then, I was afraid of suicide and couldn’t understand why it would be a consolation.
I think that I’m starting to understand this aphorism a lot better now. In my worst days, suicide was the only thing that I had to look forward to. In my only slightly better days, I would go […]
What else can I say? I was clinging to the hope of things getting better last week. Then I got it. Right between the eyes. I’ve had a good run at my job that lasted over ten years – great relationships with the past three CEO’s and then the one bad ape the has wanted the job forever but just couldn’t slither her way in finally got her foot in the door right when her best friend was still board chair. Three people staged a coup and forced the current boss out and slipped the ***** in. I’ve know for several years by the questions […]
Why are ppl so inconsiderate? ! A prime example of shit that happens to me… I WAS asleep. I was actually having the best sleep I’ve had in 2 weeks. She sends her kids downstairs to be away from her & they play on the xbox. Noe the xbox is right next to my “room”, with just a curtain dividing.
Do of course, kids being kids, they start yelling & making sound effects & the boy kept calling to me, reminding me that I had to show him something. She knows that I cannot shut kids voices out, like she, their mother, can.
So of course I […]
no home, no friends, anymore. they think i dont care. no love, no hope, no qualifications, no school (depression sorted that out). i need somewhere to go where i can be myself and not be reminded i have a disgusting family that want to ruin my reputation and shit all over my fathers memory. now i feel like i have to push mum away because shes not doing it right. every single aspect of my life seems messed up. ive had it all my life “your life is like a soap”. yeah, well im never gunna forget my friend telling me that, in second year. […]
UGH. I hate myself so much right now. I had a lot of things going for me, an interesting job, a good education, friends….
But instead of being able to appreciate anything, I blew everything up in my face. I quit my job at the last minute (it was abroad), and have been hiding out in my room like a little *****. I’m just so depressed. And it’s happened before. It’s always so up and down. Left and right. I wish I had a better way of describing it than just, wow I fucked up. And I can’t take it back. I just hate myself and […]
my sister turned around to me and said i was getting fat again. i hadn’t noticed, but she’s right. of course she is. i just can’t keep stable can i?
I don’t know how this works, I’ve never done this before but I need some kind words right now. I’ve lost a part of myself. It’s so hard to be happy. So hard to be motivated. Surrounded by people but if you open up they always leave. 2 psychologists are helping me work through what happened, but I just need a friend.
My life story – I was always the happy one. But I was raised in a post apocalyptic cult and was psychologically abused until 21. I come from a broken family with domestic violence. My mum is not mentally there, still severely damaged from sexual abuse at a […]
Standing in front of a mirror has never been more freighting.
seeing every flaw,every imperfection,every blemish on your body.
its a nightmare.
you stare too long and then you start to see how your hair isn’t quite right and your eyes are shaped weird.
you get lost in this feeling Of disgust and despair inside but outside you show no emotion.you’re in a silent war against your self.
and all you want is for someone to see,to hold you tight and say you’re beautiful.but no one will.
and suddenly you’re looking back at the mirror and you see is ugly.if only someone would say you aren’t
I left for a while because I thought my life was getting better. I had my suicide planned but didn’t go through with it. My financial situation improved and things were almost looking up. Mom’s health has been returning and some of the people living with us moved out.
But then I received a dose of soul crushing reality today that just threw me right back to the end of the line. I made a post about this before but here’s a recap : I’ve never had luck with love. My love has mostly been unrequited. I’ve been in love for the past two years […]
I’ve started cutting on a regular basis again. I feel like I’m going right back to where is was a year ago, but alone now
Why me? That’s the question I kept asking myself.
Typically, it should be why not. Why me is due to me allowing such scenarios to happen. Being blinded to such apparent situations and then blaming myself for being stupid in dismissing the very fact I later loathe to witness.
At my age I thought I would be wiser and stronger. I’m 37 and went through a breakup – the only one relationship I had so far. When I was 22years old and when one of working colleague confessed his love to me, I said yes without much thought. He’s a friend, and I trusted him.
After 6 months […]
Philosophically, I’m lower than the lowest low. My mind isn’t here anymore, I’m the most dangerous human being alive because even I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Every constructive, fruitful, positive outlook on life I have is crushed underneath the weight, the sheer gravity of our waking reality. This moment, is all there is. Time is meaningless, as is mathematics. These are nothing more than arbitrary measurements we use to quantify absolutely nothing, fleeting happiness in incoherent vortex of human brutality. Yeah, yeah get a goal, get motivated, work hard, work until your hands and calloused and bleeding, that’s the real treat, […]