I’m so tired of being me, of being myself and not being able to get away from this monster. I want to change everything about myself, i want to become a new person, a better person. But no matter how hard i try everything gets ruined again, and i have no energy left to try anymore. I just want to end everything but i know i cant and that makes things so much harder. I just wanted to get that out somewhere as i have no one to tell… I’m so ready to give up.
Tag:
ruined
A friend of mine recently said to me ‘ you’re the author of your own life’ and my response was the title of this post. It’s true. It’s similar to the saying ‘men are masters of their own fate’ I suppose.
To make my recent downward spiral more persistent is the recent events involving my boyfriend of almost 1 year cheating on me with someone who used to be a good friend of mine, talk about ironic since she’s supposed to be in a relationship with my boyfriends best friend.. They insisted on lying but the truth always reveals itself eventually. Ha.
Anyways, apart from the usual […]
I don’t know, what has happened to me. I was brilliant in every field, art, sports, studies, acting, leading, my passion” photography but I think life had some other plans for me. My life is completely soiled because of a serious addiction, pornography. I am honestly writing that i don’t see women as sex objects but somehow I find momentary escape in pornography, escape from my past. But because of that addiction, life seems to be ruined and there only seems one way out….suicide. I have had the best life one can imagine. Perfect girlfriend, perfect parents, best of friends but not the best of […]
Idk. I’ve been doing very well lately with college and diet.
I meet this guy 3 months ago, thought he was my friend but we become closer and it didn’t work out at the end. Too bad I know him and his intentions enough to realize how predictable can be everything when it comes to misunderstandings. I guess I don’t like him that much if i can’t deal with the whole situation. I didn’t wanted to be with him in a romantic way anyway, it ruined everything, wish i would said “no” at the very first chance. We had a good laugh though.
So, again, i meet […]
I’m so close. Once this morning, I don’t know how close but it was this weird split state of a happy dreamland – very nondistinct, I would describe it as fairies, la-la land but there weren’t an any actual images, just a state of being – and another part of me just instinctively knowing something is wrong and my body trying to untie the knot. My body won.
Once my body won and I came back to this reality, I immediately threw the rope (bathrobe belt) back into my packed up things and crawled into bed. My neck hurt a lot.
But the thing is… I don’t […]
Depression has literally ruined my life. My mom doesn’t accept me because of my behavior so I got moved away for my only biological family (my sister) and moved to my dads, which his girlfriend doesn’t accept me because of my behavior and the fact that my dad goes out of his way to help benefit me so that I don’t jump off his balcony. I was a straight A B C student till around 7th grade I lost all motivation but somehow made it to 9th grade and completely failed because I stayed in the bathroom due to the fact that I hated going […]
it seems everything i do now is just for attention, however i can’t tell. Am i just lying to myself and others? Am i making things up and actually fooling myself? am i really doing everything i have done for her? do i really love her? could i ask the same about my past relationships? was it my fault they ended? did i do something wrong? am i the reason my best friend is so suicidal and depressed, who is now losing her life slowly because she overdosed? is it me? or others? why does life and nature have such a cruel yet realistic cycle […]
I was going to take the jump, in front of the train. Looking dead at the tracks. I was so ready for this all to end. Some guy was there though. He grabbed my arm and yelled at me. Called the police. Stupid guy, if only he could see that I’m already dead. I just thought I’d break this vessel called my body so I can free my spirit. But that stupid ass man ruined it. Stayed in a psych ward after I was treated for hypothermia. My parents are suddenly keeping a wary eye on me now. Babysitting . The minute they decide to […]
I wish I never meant you. Because if I never meant you, I would never know this feeling that haunts me every day, this sickening feeling that feels like I’m incomplete, lost, missing something. And indeed I am, I don’t have you to call mine anymore, your “hers” and I don’t know which hurts more the things you tell me or the fact that your still with her despite how you feel for me.
When I hear people say “I love you” to their partners I wonder if they actually know what love is, how it consumes every inch of your body and soul, how […]
I am ending my life tomorrow. I just can’t keep going. I have ruined everything that was good in my life. I will send my son to my mom’s house. My boyfriend will be at work, so, I can go in peace. I wish counseling would have worked. I wish I was stronger. I’m just not. The self harm is taking it’s toll on me as well. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
So this week I went jogging with that girl again and she talked about her studies and that she’s taking a programming course as well. I said if she needed any help she could tell me even though I didn’t think she’d actually take my offer. Today she asked if we could meet up for an hour so I could explain some stuff to her, and in return she said she’d invite me to have lunch with her at some restaurant downtown. We’re gonna meet tomorrow to talk about the programming stuff, and I’m not sure whether she’ll want to go have lunch right after […]
My father told me that he thinks our cat is “on the way out”. On Christmas Eve. All I could say is “Why would you say that to me?” and go to the bathroom, my safe place. I turned on the water and cried for half an hour, my mind going to different places where I would be in less emotional turmoil. I wish I could experience everything I imagine for real, but I am not meant for any of that. I thought maybe I made it up in my head, and my father didn’t say any of that to me. He didn’t even apologize […]
So today I started posting on this blog for suicidal people. I posted and eventually a buncha people started egging me on to cut myself some more. Obviously I have terrible self esteem so I did it. I started broadcasting my cutting. They were asking for it. So I did it. How did my life get so bad? Why is my timing in life so bad? Nobody will ever understand. They’ll all just assume. Assume assume. All I’ve ever wanted is a girlfriend. I went to a seminar in las vegas to gain confidence with woman. Shortly afterwards I had sex with the first non […]
but i just want to die. I’m tired. i have been suicidal before. but this is different. because i know the outcomes. things get better. but they never really change. and i don’t want to live an entire life cast under this shadow. if that makes me weak, out of touch, mentally ill, so be it. all i ever wanted was some form of justice -some type of recognition. i never got anything. the man that ruined my life sits on the beach and i’m sick of it, so bye. sorry i couldn’t be the strong one.
Hi, my name is Susanna. I’m 21 and been struggling with my entire life. And coming to the end of my road, feel that it’s meant to happen.
II’ve been through so many things in past that i wonder myself why i’m still here. Childhood went me trying to crow myself. My mother has been too depressed to take care of us, i’ve been in foster home where I’ve been beaten and sexually abused by my own brother, and by his friend. I have an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa with bulimia, had as long as can remember, been crowned to it. My ed isn’t the only […]
I guess I’ve been depressed for years now.. And it’s rough. The worst of it is that most others don’t understand. “What’s wrong with you?” “You just have to be positive..” “I can’t handle you being sad all the time.” Lately the suicidal thoughts are occurring more often and seem to be sounding like very viable options, and I hate that. I woke up this morning and just cried. Mainly because I hate my job, my living arrangements, and my current economic standing. I hate that I am so ridiculously lonely all the time, yet consciously choose to be alone. I hate that I know […]
And it is my own fault. I dropped out of college after 2 years, moved to another town where I got into drugs and other things, and fell on my face. After that I moved back to my hometown where I met a new women. We moved in together and I became a part of her family with her 3 children…sounds like I rebounded wonderfully right? Nope, ruined that too. Lost my job and the only way she doesn’t get evicted is if I move. I borrowed money to delay the process, but now I owe family that money and I do not have it. So […]
I have a bad habit of not taking my meds. Only two of them are important, one stops the seizures and the other helps me from attempting at my life. Even when i’m on my meds i still wish to die but off of them,hell i can only say it’s hard to resist killing myself. My boyfriend would be completely ruined and so would my family. That’s the only reason to be honest, i except the thought of death. I’ve been told that i’m selfish and complain a lot but if people knew the crippling pain i was in they would shut the fuck up. […]
i had a stereotypical evil stepmom that hated me undercover for decades.
she did all the evil shit evil step-parents did
emasculated me constantly
framed me for destruction around the house (in addition to the regular mess a child makes)
did interesting food experiments on me (any one with cooking roots to a specific culture knows what im talking about)
and generally made me regret any supposed favor she would do for me
…
i thought when i finally started to hate her, that she would stop
she would regret making the child she raised hate her
but what i didnt know was that
she hated me first
she hated me for longer
she hated me more […]
I used to believe anything was possible. Straight A’s. Got into a good university fresh from high school.
I always wanted to cure the acne scars on my face. I thought no man would love me with these scars. So I paid for a laser treatment. It did not make things better, it made things worse. Now half of my face is beautiful and untouched and the other, treated half is ruined. I can’t help but think this affects everything people think about me. The bad half of my face makes me looks sloppy, stupid and trollish.
Worse yet, it is all my fault. And so are […]