Blow out the flame
A vapor of smoke lingers
A faint reminder
Of what once was
Now no more
Dissipation
I lost my house today
I lost a friend
I had a smoke
and now I have a empty heart ,mind ,body &soul
I fear the feeling of nothingness and I’m now lying here with the nothingness that I’m afraid to stay awake but yet more terrified to sleep as I’m not wanting to wake . I fear the dissapointment ,the heartache, the miss leading throughts . I fear myself and well being.
I fear being me …
I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.
So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.
I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking […]
come to think about it my lifes been a mess from the start from around 8 all iv knew is pain and suffering and reality it hard to bare I now understand why I used to drink and smoke weed everyday been sober for 3 years reality is hard mentally there a lot going on that I cant cope with it all my whole lifes been a dream I could see my self from a distance but can’t stop my self
I’m falling hitting every branch on the way down
crash bang wallop rock bottom head pounding no sound are around pitch black look around it dark here nothing grows only pain a sorrow black smoke no rainbows
best friends Ray and he cuts flesh not deep enough to die just enough to feel alive watch the blood glide
it could be sunny out side by its raining in here
I made a death cocktail so strong (if crushing a total amount of 525 pills into strawberry juice counts strong – most bitter juice that I have ever drunk) that I blacked out when I was done with the half of it. It was on Saturday night on the 13th of February. My mom woke me up on Monday and insisted me to go to a mental hospital, and I did. I was in a ward which had cameras in every corner, every room. We were allowed to smoke only 3 times a day, and this was the worst for me. I fucking love smoking, […]
And I’m on the way to the local bar again, where I’ll spend countless hours drinking and socializing with people I’ll never see again. I’m stuck in my head again. I can’t free myself again. I drank myself stupid last night and somehow managed to drive myself home again. I sit here lonely wondering if anything will ever change again. I’ll force myself to eat because I’ve lost so much weight again. I’ll sit in my car and smoke weed just to be able to sleep again.
Again.. again.. again..
Getting lost in fantasy is how I get through most of my day. I always imagine myself being a vigilante bringing criminals to justice, a mutant who can walk through walls and a drop dead gorgeous guy who dates lots of hot people ( I am Bi-sexual). Fantasy gets me through my miserable daily existence but the inability to actually live out my fantasies worsens my depression.
In Real life I am an absolute W.O.S. My anxiety is always flaring and it impedes my participation in life as a functional adult. I also lack the knack to be competitive in life. I live vicariously through pessimistic and fatalistic […]
I’m glad to be indoors for now and have food, but the cigarette smoke all ends up filling up in my room somehow and never goes away. And I can’t fall asleep when that’s all I’m breathing is cigarettes. I’ve even got my window open and the smell isn’t dissipating at all. X-(
I’m a normal person. I don’t ever do anything wrong. I mean yeah I smoke and smoke weed. I cuss and I cut, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, so why do these things always happen to me? Just… why? I haven’t done anything to these people so why does them say forget about me hurt so much? Why have I been depressed ever since that. I don’t care about that. I just don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. Why does this always happen to me?
~Kninea
Graphics went okay, I guess. It turns out they’ve extended the deadline to next Monday, and my tutor didn’t see my lack of work as she was busy.
However, the morning was unbearable. I was in college no less than 15 minutes when I started to have another ‘episode’, for lack of a better word. Thankfully, it only lasted roughly 3 hours. I see my doctor tomorrow morning, first thing. And I’m debating on whether to tell him about what happened today.
I can’t remember most of it, but I vaguely remember believing everyone in college were robots and were part of a plan to attack me […]
I’m sitting here in the living room, next to my mom and listening to her struggle to breathe. She has ALS, and for those who do not know, it is always fatal. Always. In the end, people who have it usually have to be on a respirator if they want to live. She won’t do it. So she just sits here and can’t breathe.
I can’t take any fucking more of this. I know damn good and well she will not be here next year at this time. At the rate she is going, she will likely not make it to xmas.
I am broken, aching, exhausted […]
So, I’ve been planning on my exit for months via charcoal. Did 3 dry runs and thought I had it down. Finally decided to do it Wednesday night and while laying there, I really thought I was on my way. Put the grill in my room around 7pm, measured the co level and it was up to at least 999 (As high as the meter will read) but figured it would continue to climb. At 1am, I wake up, mainly because I had to “poop” and as I got out of bed, I was stumbling and confused. I was disappointed that I failed and wonder […]
I’m really confused I’m not even sure why I’m depressed I wake up everyday feeling so sad I feel lonely all the time I feel like no one cares about me or how I feel I get anxiety and I tried killing myself with pills last week I cut and I want to smoke or drink to take the pain away some of my family members say I look thinner I’m always tired and I sleep a lot this week I’m eating more food than usual what is wrong with me can you guys help me out here I’m confused
I really appreciate the comments you made on my last couple posts. You’re the type of friend that I wish I could hang out with on a regular basis. It used to bother me that my group of friends only took time out of their schedules to hang out once every couple months, but now I don’t care at all. They’re all drinkers but none of them smoke, and I don’t drink but will smoke my weight in cheeba, so being with them tends to get boring after awhile anyway.
I find that people who don’t light up are trapped in their own way of thinking, […]
When did you ever leave?
I didn’t
Where the fuck are you?
I’m still here
I’m going to let go
But you can’t…can you
No I guess I can’t let her go. I never have been able to. I still hold her hand in mine, I still look into her eyes, I still hear her voice in my head. I can still feel her presence…as if she’s standing next to me. Is she? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to be able to forget? No Rory you can’t let her go can you, you weak fuck. […]
So, as I was sitting here I got to thinking and started going over my habits and addictions and thought I would share. I’m obsessed with chap stick, not eating it but just sitting there and running it over my lips idk why. I ALWAYS pick apart my pizza and hamburgers. 95% of the time I use bowls to eat out of and spoons. (Now some gore ones) *WARNING* ? ? ? I’m obsessed with picking at my scabs and I love the feeling of blood running down my body. I have an addiction to the burning of alcohol and smoke on my throat. I […]
O.K. Why is it so worse?
Our differences are wide our needs, similar, how are you going to get better?
Addiction changes you in a way that is twilight zone – Tobacco, once hooked, trips you into a smoke, no matter how many you avoided, I mean subconscious tricks— that’s why that smoke across the street looks five foot big pretty soon after you crush that next pack.
I’m supposed to be better, I’m typing here, guess I go do some some more computer stuff.
I was already suicidal and then I found this girl online, an old flame. We started talking and seemed to have a strong connection. Then she started talking to me less and less! When I asked her what is up and to be honest, she said that she tried to look past it, but can’t stand people who are on SSI and welfare without working or goals! I was absolutely floored! Another rejection? She was all into me and then dumped me like I was a piece of trash and claimed that we wasn’t together in the first place.
I immediately got a 12 pack of […]
Everyone knows I’m going to kill myself. Everyone knows why. What do they all do? Ignore me. I don’t matter one damn to any of my so called friends or my many bosses at two jobs that have been falsely praising me and blowing smoke up my ass for the past year. You should’ve seen the look on her face (one of my supervisors). Total “fuck you, go die”. Don’t cry about trans suicide when I’m dead, then!
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