I’m comfortable with sadness. I wonder if my life will always be like this. I wear sadness like I wear a shirt, always with me. I want to be happy, but happy is unfamiliar. How is it that sadness has become my comfort, my home? If I reach out my hands, happiness is just in reach. But I cling to the darkness because it is familiar. I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Its like when I personally take 2 steps forward my home life knocks me back10 steps. So I’m back to the beginning again, back to feeling worthless and stupid and ugly.
People always say ‘ there are reasons for being alive, stay here, we need you’ yeah, you need me do you? Well tell that to me the next time you ditch me for someone better. Everyone is better than me. I don’t see the point of being here; I don’t think there is one. I self harm. People tell me to stop but others tell me to keep going. But I have made up my mind. I’m leaving, no one needs me nor do they want me . My own mother has disowned me. She says it’s my falut my sister is dead. She says […]
I thought I was doing good by not saying that as often on public forums. It’s natural to blurt it out every 10 minutes though. Sometimes the feeling creeps up behind me and forces me to shutter my head neck and shoulders, then the words come out.
When I say I hate my life.. it means I hate where my life has come from, where it left me and where I know it will keep leading me. I don’t hate the world even though that comes out sometimes too. I don’t hate people even though there is so much evil out there. I feel I’m […]
the lawn seems empty
the sky looks clear
the imminent danger
seems no where near
someone steps out
gun in hand
somebody runs
somebody stands
no one seems phased
he loads the gun
why do they walk
why don’t they run?
the sky turns red
and so does the road
somebody screams
as the blood starts to flow
the laws have crumbled
it’s a free for all
black is the trend
and decency falls
corpses lay mangled
in allies and streets
laying in stacks
and on the concrete
hanging from streetlights
and hanging from trees
nobody cares
as long as they bleed
if someone’s not hanging
they’re hanging others
from children and […]
All this fucking shit that has happened to me has played serious hell on my health. My work is extremely exhausting and I’ve been spilling more tears than I’ve been able to drink water. I’m about two metaphorical steps away from an actual emergency room visit. Some of you already understand how bad it is.
But the point is that the choice to recover is eminent! I can’t let myself sink so far off that it takes my life. I’m not done with it, there is still so much to do and see.
I’ve got 3 days off of work.. So I’m getting desperate for […]
its all too real, the pain inside my head. the nauseating,sickly voice telling me to do it. It hard to not tune it out without first listening to what it has to say. I feel like…i feel exhaused honestly. tired and sick of trying so hard when ill forever be two steps behind everybody else. Whats the points of putting so much effort when it goes unnoticed?
Is life suppose to be like this? a cycle of working breathing living, eating, sleeping thats it. Thats not something id be willing to make a life out of. I want to be happy and i want to take […]
June Carter Cash and Johnny Cash sang Farside Banks of Jordan (copywright blah,blah blah) but it makes me think of you Jeff…
I believe my steps are growin’ wearier each day
Still I’ve got another journey on my mind
The lures of this old world have ceased to make me wanna stay
My one regret is leavin’ you behind
But if it proves to be His will that I am first to cross
And somehow I’ve a feelin’ it will be
When it comes your time to travel likewise, don’t feel lost
For I will be the first thing that you’ll […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qsgBF7ZIsk&list=PL_lfsNREdSwx5eGkEOsFse8sWdjwSUi-K&index=44
I’m the one who steps from the shadows, all trenchcoat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal with the madness. Oh, I’ve got it all sewn up. I can save you. If it takes the last drop of your blood, I’ll drive your demons away. I’ll kick them in the bollocks and spit on them when they’re down and then I’ll be gone back into darkness, leaving only a nod and a wink and a wisecrack. I walk my path alone… who would walk with me.
Rip, Johnny. Back when Toonami.
In this world, where does a dying stranger go to.
A crew of true camaraderie. Walking in the beat of life, and death.
Don’t forsaken nobody the sound of the ukulele.
Crew, where are you. I need you today.
Now. I need you now. The time when the world reverses.
Back. The hourglass to zero. Now you can walk to the steps of infinity.
Every hit. Every line. Every breath. Praying for my life, to you.
Every day it gets harder. Stuck, the purple muk and weezing.
Will I ever live, forever the steps of doom.
Got to bust a ductrio. Kobra, […]
It’s not that I’m unattractive, I’m just embarrassed by my face; I hate moving my mouth in front of people; I hate when people look at me. I try to be social but I just creep people out, and that just puts me two steps backwards. My brain is slowing down. I can’t remember words or concepts I need to communicate with people. My brain has become so tired I struggle to remember correct sentence structure when speaking. I am thrust into all of these social activities because of my boyfriend and I constantly embarrass him. Sometimes he catches me staring at nothing and asks […]
i got a job at mcds today… baby steps
I’m slipping off the edge again, I feel like every where i turn it’s gonna be another round of how to tear down the weird girl. It’s like they only come after me and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why it is such a bad thing to be different from the others. Why should it matter that I like a lot of eyeliner, or that the bottom half of my hair is a different color every two weeks. why should it matter to anyone? It’s not like my actions have a direct cause on your life. It’s not like I plan my life […]
Yeah I’m high, and this probably makes no sense, but whatever.
Let g represent what I want, my goal, where I want to be in the future.
Let a_1, a_2,…a_n be the steps required to reach g.
The nature of g implies that failure at any point a_i results in returning to a_1.
Let x be the amount of pain I feel when failure occurs such that x @ a_i > x @ a_i – 1.
Let y be the amount of happiness I feel, such that y @ a_i > z @ a_i – 1
i.e. the closer to the goal the more happiness/pain that […]
Getting better is a long journey. I woke up and the first thing I told myself is that I wouldn’t die today. I decided to set daily goals. Small things, baby steps.
I’m scared, I feel like if anyone got close they could actually smell the sadness emanating from my pores. I’m anxious and insecure. But I will fight this. I will not let my emotions take control over me.
I went for my weekly doctor’s yesterday as I mentioned in my previous post  http://suicideproject.org/2014/02/anywhere-but-not-there/. She was very weary of letting me stay home as I had put myself in a […]
this is me..
myra..
today was another bad day for me at school..
im still being picked on..
teased.
rumors are apread about me..
lies are said..
while im keeping everything inside..
nobody knows myy life..
nobodys knows what ive gone thrui
nobody knows how much im keeping inside whle others add more to it..
why me..? im not mean to people…
im not sloppy im not disrespectfulll and i never act like im better…
i am stilll on the edge ..
i have a choice im going to think about..
take acoupple steps forward and fall?
or take acoupple steps back […]
When I think about delivering myself there with courage, deliberation and beauty, I realize that it was destiny all along. To be alone and to want to die. That’s my path. And I can’t run from that. With each passing day, I get closer and closer. I just need to finish some of the last steps and then I can go. I can hardly wait for the day.
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