It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making […]
Some people embrace responsibilities and challenges. I avoid them.
Most people spend their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s advancing their careers and/or raising a family. I’m 30 and have no interest in either. I have friends now but I wonder how many of them I’ll still have in ten years when they’ve all “moved on.”
I was so well suited to the school environment where things were highly structured and most work was individual, but so ill suited to the real world where things are less structured and uncertain and most work is done with other people.
I completely lack basic life skills like cooking and fixing things, nor do […]
I board my horses with a horse rescue and I frequently help them out with their rescue horses and things like that.
They found a home for a horse that would have otherwise gone to slaughter, but horses in kill pens have to be kept in quarantine because there are my illnesses that get spread around in the kill pen that you don’t want spread to your other horses. This particular horse was pregnant. We went out to check on her and found that she had gone into labor a month early, but her baby was stuck and dead, with the legs and head sticking out […]
I’ve come to a conclusion about a lifelong question. Where is all this hardship coming from. I wondered why there is always difficulty, frustration and then the inevitable pain in so many aspects of life. I first thought that world was just bull shit and it was or duty to find and fix all the issues. But recently I have found out that I’m the one with the issues.
Discovering this I wanted to change and be like others, to be normal. I realized that me being against the world was the whole chicken and egg thing. I’m not stuck in this mess because I’m against […]
I’m stuck in this place between knowing that society thinks I need help and knowing that nobody could possibly help me at this point. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing this gets better and hating my life so much that I want to die and end the pain. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing that someone, somewhere, cares about me, and the realization that nobody around me loves me anymore. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I want to end my miserable existence, but I’ve failed 27 different suicide attempts and obviously, that won’t work anymore. The man […]
My family are the only people I can count on. If I ever left this world my mother and sister would be broken beyond repair. No matter how much I think about the relief of leaving this burden called life, I don’t want to hurt the only people who gave a fuck about me. When people told me that I shouldn’t be alive because of the way I look, my mom still smiled in my face and hugged me everyday. I feel ashamed I’m not a better son. My mom deserved a son that’s talented, charming, and handsome But she’s stuck with me haha
I play piano and it really helps take my mind off of things. I’m always running out of things to play, or stuck at current pieces I’m working on. So I thought, to help practice and to distract my mind, maybe i should start uploading piano request videos.
So, name a song, any song you would like to hear. Hopefully i can put something together within 24 hours.
(I also do guitar)
I’m standing on the edge I stumble I fall in
I’m falling into nothing I’m screaming im calling
it feels like I’m drowning man I can’t breath
can someone save me from myself please
it could be sunny outside but it’s raining over me
downward spiral walking corpse virus Im slowly dying in silence
And I’m it’s host to entertain wile it flourishes from my pain
and stuck in this hole
i remain
“The problem lying behind the lack of human fulfilment was a shortage not just of time but of imagination. They found a day that worked for them and then stuck to it, and repeated it, at least between Monday and Friday. Even if it didn’t work for them – as was usually the case – they’d stuck to it anyway. Then they’d alter things a bit and do something a little bit more fun on Saturday and Sunday.
One initial proposal I wanted to put to them was to swap things over. For instance, have five fun days and two not fun days. That way […]
I didnt recieve any hope from these doctor visits, though I know have Cymbalta, so there’s that.
I’ve decided on a way to go. I know I’m not allowed to share. What I’m stuck on is the note, or if I need one. I’ll think on it on my way to work, or in the waiting room, and it eats at me like another inevitable arguement- but of course, this time there wouldnt be.
So why leave a note? They should know of what plagues me if they listened, and if they haven’t, fine. What of the other reparations.
Can I just have everything monetized, perhaps give […]
Whatever it is. ….. I can’t …..
I feel like… I’m not depressed enough. Does that make any sense? Like, I’m not suicidal enough to be here. I don’t fit in.
I’m not numb. I feel. I feel a lot. I can’t describe it though. Sad, yes but not that sad. Angry, a little. I guess, well… I feel like a radio stuck between 2 stations. 2 different songs alternating, making no sense and a shit load of static.
The fuck is emotional static?
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/testing-waters-mp3.mp3
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Thank you to everyone who took some time to comment on my post last night. I was in a dark rotten place. (As you can see if you read through the comments.) I’m still there, to be honest, but at least I’m still able to write about it.
Here’s the music I mentioned. (Headphones recommended so the bass can come through better).
I wrote it in just a few hours, to distract myself from not being able to get online. For me, when I’m stuck here in bed at home, not being able to get online is a big deal, because it sort […]
It’s a tragedy, really,
How I spent so much time
On you.
You used to make me feel invincible,
Like the world was mine.
But now I’m alone,
With you running through my mind.
It hurts to know that you’ve moved on
While I’m stuck here
Surrounded by my destruction.
The thought of you still keeps me awake.
You’re gone but you’re everywhere;
And you’re not coming back.
It’s time to move on.
I have given up.
This amused me:
http://www.theonion.com/article/report-getting-out-bed-morning-sharply-increases-r-52430
Sure, it’s satire, and somehow also unmistakably true.
Although I must admit, I’ve been stuck in bed since Tuesday night (the usual health issues), and things aren’t much better here either.
On the bright side, the health issues attacked at the same time as a load of winter weather crap, so I wouldn’t have been able to make it outside either way.
Enough about me.
How are the rest of you?
Did YOU make it out of bed today, and if so, did things get rapidly worse like the article said?
Time has come. The moment when I feel like my ressources are becoming too thin to help me deal with the damages caused by a series of traumas that happened for seven years, leaving me with sole compagny our dear friend depression and collateral damages for over ten lovely springs. The urge to kill myself has been within me for so long that it shaped my life, my personnality and most certainly my abailities. Nethertheless, there are people I love and who care about me so I cannot make the jump as I think is the case for many other peeps around here. This attachement […]
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Stuck at home today while the winter storm rages outside.
I’m passing the time watching old episodes of Star Trek.
I found this picture, which is alarmingly accurate.
So far I’m doing a lousy job of “Live Long And Prosper”, but a great job of “Suicidal And Poverty-Stricken”.
I must live in that alternate universe where everything is the opposite.
My doppleganger in the other universe must obviously be rich, healthy, and excited about the future.
Plus she gets laid CONSTANTLY.
so i didnt pay the internet bill and its way overdue to go off…thing is i downloaded a 1tb worth of movies/series/games/music to keep myself sane..then the un-thinkable happened my fckin hdd went on fire i lost my phone other week also and i fuckin hate tv so ive been sat in the house with no food reading books from the library even put the noose around my neck a few times could not go through with it oh and i trapped my left hand tip of index finger in door and its hangin off ive stuck it back on and its black should go […]
You guys keep posting neat music stuff you’ve done….
It’s made me want to compose something too.
I ordered some composition software for the laptop so I can write stuff during the days/nights when I’m stuck in bed and can hardly move. It will be good therapy for me, because it will remind me that even though my body is falling apart, my mind still (sort of) works.
I ordered the same software I’ve used previously for composing symphony stuff, but for some reason I’m in the mood to write a piano solo now.
Possibly piano plus cello.
Stay tuned.
(Ha! See what I did there? Music? Tuned?)
What can I say, that hasn’t been said a thousand times?
How can I be at the end of the road, when I’m stuck in a damn round-a-bout?
Why bother doling out advice, I don’t even follow?
Does it really matter if the chicken or egg came first, when they’re both in existence now?
Does anyone really care what’s in my wallet?
I should be asleep. I have to be up in 5 hours. The loneliness is eating at me again. I so badly want someone to understand what’s really going through my head. I want to be wanted for who I really am, rather than who I pretend to be. But it’s impossible. Necessary, but impossible. Can’t let go of it. Can’t fulfill it.
Wish I had something to knock me out every night. During the day I can fill my head with crap to drown out the loneliness.
Instead, I’m stuck in this cycle of feeling exhausted during the day, and then anxious/lonely at night.