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Can’t Let Go

by thehusk

I should be asleep. I have to be up in 5 hours. The loneliness is eating at me again. I so badly want someone to understand what’s really going through my head. I want to be wanted for who I really am, rather than who I pretend to be. But it’s impossible. Necessary, but impossible. Can’t let go of it. Can’t fulfill it.

Wish I had something to knock me out every night. During the day I can fill my head with crap to drown out the loneliness.

Instead, I’m stuck in this cycle of feeling exhausted during the day, and then anxious/lonely at night.

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11 comments

Alan Ominous 2/17/2016 - 8:15 pm

So elaborate… What’s going on in your head? Why are you lonely? Why are you pretending to be someone else? If who you pretend to be isn’t working, maybe try being who you really are. That will definitely make it easier for somebody to like you for the “real” you.

thehusk 2/17/2016 - 8:37 pm

What’s going on in my head is pretty fucked up. I’m lonely because I know nobody else could ever be ok with it. I’m pretending to be someone else so I don’t repulse people and experience complete rejection. Who I pretend to be can just about hang on to the appearance of a life. Who I really am belongs in a ditch (or worse).

Alan Ominous 2/17/2016 - 8:43 pm

Still who are you? What’s fucked up? I got fucked up thoughts too. I think everyone thinks some crazy shit. Our definition of fucked up may be world’s apart..

thehusk 2/17/2016 - 9:04 pm

I’ll just say that a large part of me wants to do really fucked up things, and leave it at that. They’re not just thoughts. If I wasn’t scared of the consequences, then I fear I might well do them. I’m just an objectively shitty person.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/17/2016 - 8:49 pm

I understand your plight thhusk. I knock back a couple benedryl nightly then a couple more and a few more until I pass out. I’ve never found anyone I could keep in my life who understood. The one that did was taken away from me and placed in foster care. I so very deeply understand.

thehusk 2/17/2016 - 8:58 pm

Tried benedryl a while back – didn’t seem to have any effect. Maybe I should try doubling/tripling the dose. Notice any negative side effects from doing that regularly?

I’m sorry you don’t have anyone in your life who gets you. From what you write here, it seems like you deserve to have that understanding.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/17/2016 - 9:00 pm

Hm.. side effects? depends if I take it with alcohol. Trying to not do that lately. I take two or three and it makes me drowsy. About one time a month it doesn’t work at all and I end up taking six or seven then I take some sominex with it and spend the rest of the night float in and out of some crazy hallucinations that leave me blown the next day. So meh. mixed results.

thehusk 2/17/2016 - 9:08 pm

Thing is, I’m pretty drowsy most of the time anyway. I feel like I want to sleep, I’m ready for it, I lie down, and it just doesn’t come. I just lie there with this void inside me. Need something to just knock me out.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/17/2016 - 10:45 pm

Being tired is different from being ready to fall asleep. Have you thought of getting something from the Dr.? Maybe a light benzo to take at night.

Ylem31 2/18/2016 - 12:35 am

I’ve been taking clonazepam, prescribed by my Dr. It knocks me right out. Finally I’m able to sleep only but a few hours though. When I awake a few hours later, I can’t go back to sleep again.

Ylem31 2/18/2016 - 12:39 am

thehusk… I’m all kinds of fucked up as well. It makes me feel so very lonely because I have to pretend to be the person I’m not, just so I can hide what is really going on in my head. I need someone to see the real me and care for the real me.
I really feel your pain.

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