I remember when I first started posting here, I was lost, very depressed, and lonely. I always thought, “I am not going anywhere in life. I just want to turn 20, live on my own, and kill myself!” After being on here for a while I started to feel a bit happier, soon after I began therapy and started to fell more happy, more confident, less lonely, I started being more hopeful about the future and had plans for what I want to do. But here I am again, a few months later and I am back to being depressed, I have isolated myself and […]
Tag:
thought
To be completely honest, the thought of taking my own life is terrifying. I’ve thought of it a lot of times, but I can’t seem to find any other way out. I’m only 20 years old, for many life is just beginning, but for me it feels like there is nothing left ahead. I can’t continue in school, I can’t afford it even with scholarships and financial aid. I have other options but they all end in debt. My life at home is bad, my parents argue all the time. They never really listen to what I have to say. I get yelled at for […]
Do you ever just stop and think that maybe you are being too selfish? Then you turn around and realize that you know nothing about yourself because you let your acts towards others define who you think you are? I was asked today, by a wonderful friend of mine, what I wanted to do with my life. Where I wanted to go to college, and what career path that I wanted to take. I answered the college because that has been a map of mine that I have followed for a couple of years, but I cannot for the life of me, think about what […]
I cracked a smile this week – some things are such a good distraction.
A positive thought or two, but I feel too mentally frail and tired to act.
And now I am back to my misery and despair.
Perhaps I can stay distracted until I fade away.
That’s what it’s called. The happy moment interrupted suddenly by the painful thought, “God, I’m so stupid, I wish I could die.” It’s so silly, I can’t cross a bridge anymore, or stand near a high window, without it creeping up on me. “One jump, two seconds, splat! It’s all over.” You think that you’re happy, but all of a sudden the sanctuary of your mind is no longer safe. You have to tiptoe around your own thoughts, control the urges, try your damndest to keep it just that. Passive. Because if you take that leap, if you make that plan, if you reach for […]
Friends. Something I do have an abundance of, especially “friends” that I do not wish to be friends with. I was asked by one of these hanger-oner’s the other day why I never have parties and I never gave him an answer.
I have grown to hate him for asking that question.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this and I finally have an answer, an answer I’m not proud of.
I attended a party once hosted by my brother, it was a “out of school” party. The last day of school a bunch of my brothers mates were supposed to come over […]
I want to die. At least I think it’s what I want. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be nonexistent. If what I have been living these past 30 some odd years can be classified as life then I want just the opposite. Death sounds so dark, so evil, yet the thought of it feels so peaceful. Ah Peace, I don’t even remember the last time I felt your embrace. I’m so tired of fighting to hold on; so tired of struggling each and every day to not give up. I have no fight left. It is long gone and I […]
I have no one to talk to. I do not expect those that are in my life to understand. I have seen them feign seconds of interest only to direct conversation to themselves. Besides, my feelings and thoughts would only raise false concern and patronizing remarks – if history has shown me anything. Over the years I have learned to bury my emotions inside and isolate myself.
Lately, pretending has been hard. I am sure my smiles seem forced. I have lost all mental fortitude and I can longer stay composed. I want to be alone. I do not want to die. I only wish to not […]
the pendulum sways
one weight rises
the other falls
but where is the cuckoo?
the hands slowly move
the hours come
and the hours go
but where is the cuckoo?
one thought makes me frightened
another turns my stomach
I pull my hair
but where is the cuckoo?
crawl out of my bed
turn on the light
go to the mirror
the damned cuckoo stares back at me
For me, It’s hard to talk about this. I can’t express my feelings since I don’t know what I am really feeling. ¿Am I too empty? And I don’t want to sound weird. But I got to a point where I don’t know what the fuck I am feeling. If I’m in love, I don’t know what love is, I only know for medical fact that I’m sick, down, depressed and well tired. But why the fuck am I feeling like this? I can’t really tell. It’s strange. I’m really feeling that I will not make it this year, It’s just the first month and […]
Sitting there blank-faced, forcing a smile has to be the painful scene that I act-out, every-day. Why do we need to smile… is it a law of nature ? People just do not understand that a smile indicates a positive in a persons life; but constant-sometimes it has no-reason- pain cannot produce a smile, naturally.
Forcing myself into this smile, is as pathetic as insisting that “I’m fine” when I’ve clearly drank almost two bottles of wine — the latter is painfully funny, but the former is just painful. I can do laughing — laughing is part of a momentary reaction to a funny act, event, notion, thought or an uttered […]
I have no friends. I have a fiance, who doesn’t understand depression. Who I cant really talk to. I wouldn’t want to tell him how bad I feel. Nobody really wants to hear our sad sob stories. You have to get it out though.
My whole damn life, like everyone else I guess, I have always thought, I don’t need to worry about doing blahblah, idk, drugs, too much sun, my credit. We’re all supposed to die before the repercussions of our poor decisions happen. Well I’m living proof, they are coming. I didn’t die at 18, 21, 25, 30. The brain damage from drinking, or […]
You don’t deserve the way my heart aches at the thought of you.
You were red. You liked me cause I was blue. You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky and you decided purple just wasn’t for you.
Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve thought of killing myself on multiple occasions. Most of the reasons would be because of feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and frustration. When I was a little girl, I would often think of running away from home. I would plan which bag I would take, which clothes I would take away, and would decide whether to take the bus or a taxi to wherever I was going to run away to. I have been planning my escape since I was nine.
I am not an only child. I was not abused. I did not come from a poor family; we […]
I don’t get why my body goes from shaking anxiety to staring off into the distance depression. Just the other day I was shaking and couldn’t put one thought with another. Now I’m sitting here staring thinking too much about everything.
So, I know many of us were not able to complete uni/college and some of us are busy in the middle of doing so. Well, I am from a different end of the spectrum and am in a position I never thought any one could be in…I finished my bachelors, in my final year I had a very severe mental break down yet still managed to pass (albeit at the bear minimum).
So whats the problem, you may be wondering? Well, you see…I don’t remember anything from my degree. I literally (I’m not making this up) know nothing. Might as well not have done it. Yep […]
I wouldn’t ever kill myself although the thought crosses my mind often and brings me the best peace. I’ll go to sleep and pretend like its forever. No more bills to worry about, no more worrying about why the guy didn’t like me or why im never good enough, no stressing about my use to be friends who dont seem to want me around for some reason or always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
Im blessed. I really am. I have a beautiful daughter, a great job, a roof over my head, a car that runs, and a good family. I just feel […]
Been a while since i’ve been on, and boy does it feel nice to be here again.
Things have changed so quickly, it’s all hard to deal with some times. There’s too much going on right now. If anyone could give me advice i’d be greatful.
Now I live with my mom and siblings, stepdad is finally out of the picture (yay!) but as great as that is, it means the moneys out of the picture too. My mom has been unemployed since we moved here and hasn’t thought about about finding another job. We’re barely scraping by and everytime I bring it up to my mom […]
I was so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that I was capable of true happiness?
I was doing so well. For about a year, I fell into and out of deep fits of depression. I attempted to take my life twice and no one even noticed. Even the doctors thought it was all accidental….but then, I just stopped caring all together. I figured that the depth of my state would eventually kill me off. I was no longer concerned with living or dying. If there were ever a limbo for humans, I’d entered it. At some point in my state of limbo, a wonderful […]
Don’t tell your talent to anyone until you become very successful person, they will keep an evil eye on your talent and they will destroy your talent. I was very talented/creative person created so many video games, art, pencil sketches, poems but I was not allowed to tell what I was doing. So everyone thought I was very dumb . I had the talent to become best student of my university but I end up being a dumb alone person who was blacklisted from college.When I realized it was very stupid advice, it was too late. Now I have lost all the interest in […]