I can’t resist the temptation.
When I see the blood come out from where I cut, I seem to become lost in a trance. I become fascinated. It’s inciting. I can’t resist the temptation to draw more blood. It’s as if as the blood represents all my negative emotions, and is it pours out, my negative emotions are slowly cleansed. The temptation is too great. It makes me happy. The emotion that I thought I’d lost. Call me crazy, but I love it.
Also I don’t really want anyone to tell me not to cut, to go distract myself, go talk to someone. I have done all […]
Yesterday afternoon I cutted myself, not a special thing, and afterwards I wrote this poem, which really describes my cutting. Hope you like it 🙂
That moment,
when the blood flows down your arm,
and you hear the blood drops drip.
That relaxing sound,
and the beautiful color of blood,
the relief you get.
The warmth of the cut,
and the stinging feeling of the blade,
but no hurt,
no pain.
You feel numb and relieved,
like you’re in a trance.
The blood still flows down your arm,
and your arm is covered in blood.
The blood drops drip a little faster,
drip…drip…drip…
Your body […]
Since I last hurt myself. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay strong and not do it again. I almost did yesterday, but I willed myself through it.
I had a spiritual experience the other day that… Well it scared me. What I saw. I am a Pagan who has fallen out of practice but am trying to pick myself up again through it. I’ve gone through these types of experiences before, but this one in particular really opened my eyes. At the local New Age shop, they have a cot in the back with a selenite grid underneath it with a bunch of […]
I hate my doctor at the therapy. He really thinks he understands me completely. Actually he doesn’t. He was like, when you feel you need to cut, go to your therapists or your parents. Could you make that promiss with me? He really doesn’t understand. I tried to explain, but still he doesn’t understand that I’m too scared to do that, and that I’m in a kind of trance when I cut. It’s really frustrating when people think they understand you, but actually they don’t.
Why?
Why can’t I face my problems?
Why must I always hide?
Why must I always lose trac of my effort? dammit why?
No matter what it is, no matter what I do, no matter what I was thinking barely seconds before, why must I always deviate from what I’m doing???
Whether studies, sports or whatever the hell I actually do nowadays, I just don’t seem to care, I just let myself surf the flow of the waves of thought instead of maintaining my course.
And, when I realise it, its always too late, relationships always destroyed, failing grades, competitions lost.
Every-fucking-one of my teachers or guardians or bosses are angry at […]
I sat at my desk in school wondering what it would be like if I stabbed myself through the heart with that guys extremely sharp pencil. Death by writing utensil. A thought that drew a smile on my face.
Ugh that stupid noise. A noise that interrupted the only thought that made me smile today.
I concentrate a bit harder, but it is only clear to me that the sound comes from the front of class. I look up.
“RRrrruhh. RRraaayy.”
My brain starts to work in time to hear the teacher call my name for, what I could tell by her tone was, the fifth time.
“Rain!Ă‚Â Is […]
Normally when I have aĂ‚Â flashback or nightmareĂ‚Â I write about it in my journal. Today I decided to post about it on here just so that I don’t have to keep this mess hidden inside me. This is hard for me to write about so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make too much sense.
I don’t usually have good sleeps, some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the dark in fear of my abusers getting me. Last night I dozed off, I didn’t fall asleep, just went into a trance to try to calm myself. Around 10am this morning I was triggered when I […]
When I self harm I am upset or angry (I may cry) but mostly it is not from the physical pain, but by the mental pain. I can hardly feel it when I am doing it, you just kind of black out and go into a trance and forget the world for a little. Then I feel like a complete moron afterwards when you are hurting so bad from the cut wounds.
To the youth and adults who have decided to live, at least for today…
The person who makes your soul shiver.
The song that makes your ears quiver.
The food that makes your tongue dance.
The activity that lulls your mind into a trance.
The relative whose love warms your heart the most.
The pets about whom you brag and boast.
The responsibilities you prefer not to leave behind.
Their threads that your hands only can safely unwind.
The boulders you have yet to turn.
The bridges you prefer not to burn.
The safety and rhythm of scheduled routine.
The things you have not yet done or seen.
If you have one reason to stay, it may be […]
i think my body is telling me to die. when i am riding my motorcycle, i tend to lose myself in imagining that i crash at the road, lifeless body, or hit a trunk of a tree with a branch piercing my heart. when i in a trance like that, my body tends to press the oil even harder, making more speed. i smiled everytime i skidded a little on the road.
i have a couple of friends that i always hang out with in order to release pent up stress but now i felt that my mind is going crazier by the minute. when my […]