Normally when I have a flashback or nightmare I write about it in my journal. Today I decided to post about it on here just so that I don’t have to keep this mess hidden inside me. This is hard for me to write about so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make too much sense.
I don’t usually have good sleeps, some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the dark in fear of my abusers getting me. Last night I dozed off, I didn’t fall asleep, just went into a trance to try to calm myself. Around 10am this morning I was triggered when I was flipping through the tv channels. I can’t remember the channel or what show but it was a man pulling a women by her hair. I get triggered everyday sometimes multiple times, but for the past few weeks its been nonstop to the point where I lose connection with reality. I wasn’t going to let myself get lost in my memories again, not this time. Because of the grounding techniques I’ve been practicing for a few years I was able to stay in the present. Today was just like any other, I got buzzed drinking some rum but didn’t over do it. From the lack of sleep I’ve been dealing with I’ve been so exhausted. I decided to take a nap around 3pm when my younger brother came home from school. Accidently, I rolled onto my back and fell into a deep sleep. I didn’t have the usual nightmares of my past, this one was one I haven’t dreamt of since I was about 10.
From what I remember, I was 8 again walking with that 12 year old boy. He was telling me that this time I was going to get it and he’ll kill me all over again. I was scared (I am scared), I was telling myself I needed a a key to lock my mouth so I wouldn’t get in trouble. But I was already in trouble. He was easily pulling me away from school through the trees to get to his house. It was cold and the ground was frozen, I tried to look up to see if it would snow but I couldn’t see past the top of the trees. Eventually we got to his house and he took me up to his room. He was behind me raping me. I couldn’t handle the pain and I collapsed but he held onto me, fucking me, digging his fingers into my sides. I cried and cried and I cried in hopes of this to be over. My fingers were bloody but I didn’t seem to mind so much, I just needed to put my hands over my mouth to keep quiet and not make him upset. I was then still naked but with my knees to my chest hugging myself this time I wasn’t crying, just watching him closely as he walked around his room. I tried to reach for my purple sock when he wasn’t looking but took it from me. He was screaming and yelling, I don’t know exactly what he was saying, but he was angry again. Somehow I was under him, he was hurting me, punching, slapping, and pinching me. My soul was floating somewhere over us watching what was happening. I tried to make him stop be he was chocking me and I woke up.
I haven’t left my room and all I can think about is dying to bring me peace. Since I woke up I’ve been fading in and out of my memories tying to keep grounded but nothing is working. I know it was all a dream and I’ll never be back there with him or the others but I’m so scared and depressed. I can’t stop crying and wanting to cut myself to help bring me to the present. The one person who talks to me never helps when I’m feeling sad or lost (another post). I don’t know what to do. I always feel like a piece of shit not worth anything. Maybe I should go back to not eating so I can die faster so I won’t ever have these kinds of memories. I’m the most pathetic person, I’m scared to tell my mother in fear that she won’t believe me. One of them was her boyfriend, I sometimes wonder if she knew what was happening but always kept quiet about it. Even if I do tell her I won’t be able to get help. The funny thing is, if I had a dollar every time I was triggered and had a nightmare I’d be Oprah rich. I just hate feeling like this everyday. I never had a break and just felt ok and contempt with my life. I hate that I’m always ready to die and that I’m always sad and scared. I hate that I can’t open up to the opposite sex and have a normal life and do normal teenage stuff. Why can’t I forget this ever fucking happened to me like some people?! Why do I have hundreds of thousands of memories of the abuse?! It’s been 10 years since I first met that boy and I’m scared out of my mind of what he’ll do to me still. I’d trade my life with anyone of you, even for a day, just so I can have some peace from my memories. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m posting at all. I know this will always be my life.
4 comments
Wow, that’s awful; i’m so sorry you have to endure these terrible nightmares. You’re not pathetic though. If you were abused as a child it’s understandable that you would have these sorts of issues. I assume you’ve seen someone about these things right? If not, then you should definitely talk to someone about it. Is there anyone who knows about these memories that you can confide in? Getting it off your chest might also get it out of your mind. Don’t keep it inside where it can haunt you.
Thanks for the reply.
The only professional help I ever received was being 8-9 (the time when I have being abused most) by the school therapist. I was too scared to tell her anything about it but she’d mostly try to help me with my self-esteem and being social with other people.
I don’t think I could ever tell my mom, it won’t do any good. I’ve told her once that I really wanted to get help for my anxiety and she agreed but never went on with her promise. She knows I have a ton of issues, she read my diary where I only wrote about being anorexic and suicidal. The strange thing is she never came to me about what she read, so I don’t expect to get help anytime soon. I’ve been on a few forums about PTSD but never posted on any. I don’t have too many people that I talk to. I have one friend that I text about everyday but he isn’t a reliable person who takes the time to listen (I don’t expect anyone to solve my problems).
At the moment I write about the abuse and my memories/flashbacks/dreams in a journal.
It’s good that you write about it; as i understand it the way you treat PTSD is by confronting your memories. Trying to hide them only makes it worse. Maybe you should ask your mother to schedule an appointment with a family doctor and then ask him if he can reccomend you a therapist that specializes in PTSD. Or, if you’re 18 ( i think you are 8+10=18) you can do it yourself.
If you need someone to talk to i’m always here to listen. <3
Yeah I’m 18,but not a US citizen so I can’t get a job to pay to see anyone. Thanks a lot. Ill probably be posting here a few times to clear my head. It definitely doesn’t do any good to keep this kind of things inside.