I lie here trying to get myself to understand why I so badly need to destroy my life tonight. I have pondered on every explanation as to why I want to watch my own blood flow like a river around me. I have a loving family that would protect me regardless the reason, a house which provides me with ample physical comfort, and a friend who would never think of judging me. I have so many reasons to live, and so many things to lose. I can tell myself that many times, but I can’t seem to accept it emotionally.
Tag:
trying
Wondering starting to date again… I like one girl more then the others she is cute and sweet. She is originally from the country that I moved too 6 years ago. But also lived in the east and southern of Europe.
She is 8 years older then me. I don’t mind. I actually quite like it as I would like children and I think she would want them too. I wonder though if it is a wise step.. in the longer run for my happiness if that path were to happen….
we click really well so I do not really for see problems in that […]
I can’t breathe, I can’t think. My heart is broken, my life is broken, I am broken. My mom shot herself 2 years ago and I’m trying to not think these thoughts, make these plans..I just can’t help it. I am so sad and alone and lost. I always wanted my legacy to be something extraordinary, special. It didn’t work out. My life has been one tragedy, one struggle, after another. People say I’m smart & beautiful, but I’m not. I never married because I didn’t want to ‘settle’.. but people just assume there’s something wrong with me. Every night I come home to an […]
…what it was like to feel deep sadness as a young person. Well, really as a younger person because I am still young. I mean I see all of these high school folks on here feeling broken because they feel as if they have no friends, feeling lonely and I feel for them. I wonder how their sadness is similar and different from that sadness which I felt at their age. The internet was a smaller place 15 years ago, not much smaller but a bit. Blogs were less popular, there were less voices on sadness. Now it seems like there […]
When i was 16 my life was simple, i had many friends, i was the funny bestfriend, and i dont know anything but happiness. Though my mom works abroad its okay cause im used to it, she’s been in another country for five years. I live with my dad, we are not close so i dont really talk to him that much. I had a boyfriend and we both loved each other so much. But when i started to feel uncontented i started cheating on him over and over again. I would also say hurtful words to him, i made him feel useless. and i […]
I will start out with saying that I am only alive today out of spite. I have had family and friends who have tried to destroy me, and failed. I have fought to stay alive, and I have had nothing handed to me. I learned how to program, how to make more money in a month than many people see in a year, graduated high school, and survived multiple hospitalizations for various things, none of them being psychiatric. I have only lived this long because I had decided that everyone who had tried to hurt me had been my enemies, and that the greatest suffering […]
It’s been 6 mounts since I last posted on here I’ve been trying to stay positive and trying to move on with my life I got a new partner. Who some what understands my mental Heath. What’s nice I stared volunteering at mind, a charity for mental Heath. And I’m going away with my family in 3 weeks. But I still car’t beat my thoughts of suicide and I rock bottom lows. I’ve been manic for the past week with suicidal thoughts (dose anyone els get suicidal thoughts when they are manic.
Well.. First of all im a 14 year old boy… Im very sad about what im going through right now. I dont wanna feel like a burden to everyone around me.. Some people call me Handsome,Smart,cute etc.. I know their just trying to make me “feel better” but it doesnt even help me… I dont wanna live anymore.. I have friends but if I tell them what im going through right now they will think im losingy mind… I just wanna die 🙁
Well here goes, I should be writing a research paper at the moment and I’m already behind on thesis work for a industry panel review on Thursday which is freaking me out. Sorry if that sounds like I’m trying to act like I’m better because clearly I’m not, I have paralyzing anxiety and getting things done hardly happens, I have withdrawn from college twice with no tuition reimbursement in the past, which I can’t even really afford to pay for anymore so I really just need to buckle down and graduate since I’ve been an undergraduate for six years now for a four year degree. I […]
It feels like my chest is caving in. I can hardly breathe. Moving is difficult too. There’s this…disconnect…happening between my soul and body.
My soul needs to cry and release some of this emotion but my body refuses to allow it. My soul scratches at the doors to leave my body and yet, nothing changes. How do you escape your own body? The scratches from within are beginning to show. Random marks are showing on my body. I don’t recall scratching myself or bumping into things.
I can feel my soul trying to die but my body just isn’t responding. The stress of school, work, the anniversary […]
It’s viral, this spiral
That threatens our survival
Take a picture for the road
We’ll say cheese and smile
Yea, we’re versatile
We’ll give you what you want
And we’ll make it seem worthwhile
Denial, our wile
We make it a lifestyle
Take it hook, line, and sinker
And then praise us for our guile
We’re liars, expired
Somebody start a fire
The only thing that’s left for us
Is burning on a pyre
Yea, we know it’s dire
And still, it’s what we want
Are you scared of our desire?
In this mire, we’re tired
Beginning to perspire
The only ones who hear us now
Are partners to conspire
It’s dust, skin rust
Our spirit’s outer crust
It’s really only flesh and bone
Who cares if we combust?
Yea, we […]
I really can’t take being ignored anymore I thought maybe if I try and talk to someone it will make me feel better I tryed speaking to my dad and he said get on with it my mum just ignored me. I even tryed to tell my so called friends that I don’t want the here anymore and that just thought I was joking about nobody get it. I just can’t the pain anymore.
This is my finally goodbye thank you to everyone that tryed to make me feel better the smorning the first people that’s done that in a long time but I […]
What’s the point of shouting when there is no one to hear? I can scream my pain all day and night but everyone has lives. Everyone has their own pain. They can’t hear mine. It’s just a whimper. A passing phrase. A “How are you.” and “I am fine.” False. Unheard.
I had so many dreams. The only way to make them come true is to leave everything I’ve built; walk away from all that I know. Start over. Lose. I can only win if I lose. And everyone is blaming me for their suffering…and that’s not fair because I suffered so frigging long in […]
I believe I’m a very manipulative person. I have been manipulative with almost everyone I care about in one way or another. I do it to one person all the time without even realizing it. That’s how natural it has become. I don’t want to be this way. It disgusts me that I attempt to control the ones I love. Not gonna state any reasons because there’s no justification. I’ve been trying hard to work on it, but all I’m doing is second-guessing myself. I feel like no matter what I say it’s solely to benefit myself. We’re all selfish, and it’s healthy to an […]
Why it seems that I’m begging for love? In everywhere, family, friends, even myself. And I still do not get any. Do I have to beg more? Am I ever going to receive some? From someone? Am I going to loved someday? How? When? From who? I just don’t know. Like I said in the last post, I’m reaching to an end, I’m having so much break downs, there’s so much pain, loneliness literally is killing me. But I’m such a coward to make something to change it. I hate myself. I humiliate myself trying to find love where it’s obvious That I’ll never gonna […]
I feel like I’m too young to have these thoughts. I feel like I’m too lucky to think with this much feeling. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know anymore. I’m fourteen years old, I go to one of the top schools of the US (Oxford Academy of Cypress, CA), and I am having suicidal thoughts. This may seem like a optimal life, but sadly, it isn’t. Every day, every period, I don’t talk to people. Every lunch break, I sit in one of the bathroom stalls (Jesus, I’m pathetic). My parents are always deeply saddened by me, always declaring I’m a nuisance […]
I guess you could call this a suicide note without the suicide. Maybe an explaination of why I’m so unhappy all the time and pray for a knife-wielding to randomly slit my throat so I can escape this hell.
I know, and have known for a long time, that I don’t fit in with this world. I don’t agree with most of what human beings do and I don’t enjoy what normal people do. I hate alcohol and drugs and the effect they have on people but I hate the selfishness of human beings and the pain that this causes.
This world should be a great place […]
I have ‘friends’ who always trying to bring me down. I know they’re a lot smarter than me but they always act like i’m the dumbest. They never compliment over success that i did. They never want any idea from me when we do a group project. I dont know why they’re doing this to me. All I know it starts when they know my first sem result( didnt turn out good). And I’m starting to blame myself – why i’m just stupid. I never want this to happen. Now they barely talk to me. well fuck you bitches
As I drift through life and year after year passes me by with out any real direction, happiness or acheivements, I feel like im watching a crap film but I cant switch it off no matter how hard that I want to. You can’t slow time but you can make the most of it, like a lot of people I know do, but I cant seem to do the same leaving me with a lifetime ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could of beens’. I hate where my life has been for so many years and I fear the future so I spend my life reminiscing a […]
I don’t really want to die.
I just want to be anyone but me. Do you ever just feel like your life is a montage of mistakes? Like your heart breaks even with the smallest flaw? I don’t want to be so prideful. I don’t want to feel like I should be perfect–not because of the standards of anyone else, because let’s be honest, there are few people that spend enough time thinking about me and what I do to care if I’m perfect or not. No, this need to be perfect comes out of my pride, the arrogant little bastard that tells me I should […]