I feel like I’m too young to have these thoughts. I feel like I’m too lucky to think with this much feeling. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know anymore. I’m fourteen years old, I go to one of the top schools of the US (Oxford Academy of Cypress, CA), and I am having suicidal thoughts. This may seem like a optimal life, but sadly, it isn’t. Every day, every period, I don’t talk to people. Every lunch break, I sit in one of the bathroom stalls (Jesus, I’m pathetic). My parents are always deeply saddened by me, always declaring I’m a nuisance to them and that my grades will never suffice for their liking (I have a 3.8 GPA… and yea, I’m serious about my parents). My mother is suffering from depression. In the first semester, i ended it with a 2.8. This basically started her to go downhill, so I vowed to try harder, even though I was really trying my hardest that semester. It pained me to see her like this, and I feel terrible that I’m the reason for it. She keeps saying that she has failed as a mother, inclining that it was her duty to make sure she would “make me a smart, responsible, and good man, just like my father.” I already knew from a very early age I wasn’t perfect, but I always kept trying to prove to my parents that I can reach their expectations. I can do the challenges they give me. But in reality, my efforts… are useless. This depression she’s in, is because of my failure to be a Son. It was my duty to make them feel like they’ve done their job as a parent, and yet, I failed them. Here I write because I have no one else to write to, silently weeping as all these thoughts roll past my mind. Help me, please.
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You are not the cause of your parents feelings. I know how it feels to feel that but you aren’t responsible for them. If they make you feel this, if they communicate it to you, that is their bad. You need their help to navigate your world and they are not there for you. That makes it doubly hard for you. First, not knowing how to be part of your wonderful school, to make friends and learn how to be social is tough enough. But then, you add on the difficulty you have with your parents breaking you down with their words and actions.
Please hear me. You are not the cause of your parents problems and feelings of depression. You didn’t cause them. You don’t have to prove they are good parents. AT ALL.
I am sure others will back me up. I am glad you came here. I wish I’d had the internet when I was your age. I was isolated from my peers, my family, most everyone because I couldn’t speak up and tell anyone how I was feeling.
All I was able to do was feel I was wrong. I pushed that feeling away until I was an adult. The feelings didn’t go away just because I pushed them aside.
You are a step ahead of me from when I was your age! And you are 14- lots of time to find your life and how you will live it. I know that is a scary prospect.
I can see how smart you are- understanding what your parents are doing AND thinking/speaking about it instead of just internalizing it. Do you realize how great that is?
It is great because as I said the feelings don’t just go away. Talking about the feelings is the first step. Find someone you can trust and share your concerns. A teacher? A aunt or uncle? Someone who will keep it private. It may take some time to find them. But please try.
I am glad you came here and shared. That is a good first step.
Take great care of YOU.
The way I’d help you is to let you know it’s not your duty to make them feel like they’ve done their job as a parent.. If anything it’s their duty not to put this ridiculous amount of pressure on you and not for your mother to decide that it’s her job to “make you a smart, responsible, and good man, just like your father.” That’s not her job at all. Her job is to be a mother to you. Geez you’re only 14. It doesn’t sound like she can help you because her priorities sound screwed up. She’s not failing you because she’s not pushing you to become some genius, she’s failing you because she’s not supporting you.
I know how it feels to be a disappointment to your parents high expectations. It really really sucks. But that isnt your fault. A 3.8 GPA is freaking great to my standards though, so I totally look up to you for that!
It took my hardest to get a 3.8 GPA at such a school… On the day my mother saw I had ended the first semester with a 2.8, she broke down into tears in front of me. This is where she told me she had failed etc., and it dawned upon me that I would try my hardest. Yet even though, I should had known that it would not help. All the effort I put in was still nothing in comparison to their disappointment in me. I mean, my parents are basically all the people that I am able to talk to. And now, I barely whisper a word with them around. It’s like being in solitary confinement. I do have a voice, i just can’t use it. D:
Hi, thanks for. Sharing.
I was also depressed when I was your age. And my mom also suffered with depression. She would cry for hours and say what a bad mom she is. It became so bad that I so regret that I was born because I thought if I was not born she would not feel like she is a failure. I also thought that if I tried my best to be the best child possible she would not be so depressed.
this made me very stressed and I felt I could never just be me. I kinda started living for others for them to be happy. It made me miserable because I would not even be who I want to be and guess what my mom was still depressed and feeling like a failure.
I am much older now. My mom is still at times depressed (she in the end got help), and she still feels like a failure at times.
but over the years I have realized that is my mom. She wanted the best for me and always will feel guilty. It is not my responsibility to let her feel she is worthy and I can’t make her not depressed.
I am now a parent. Guess what, I want the best for my kids. But I have learnt not to look at their achievements or what else to measure how okay I am as a parent. Rather to love and care and do my best. And to accept as a parent we fail and then try again.
to be 14 is not easy. To feel lonely and being stuck in toilets are horrible. I am sorry you feel so miserable.
I agree if there is a teacher or counselor or somebody you can talk to, try that.
you are not responsible for your moms feelings. You are you, you don’t need to be the same as your dad.
we are here to listen
I don’t know how you even do that, I can hardly keep mine above 1.0 yikes. of course, my parents don’t even dare to check haha. I mean, I can hardly concentrate while being depressed and suicidal! You gotta be pretty smart, despite your parents high standards. Which really sucks. I’m so sorry you live with people like that. You tried your best? I can’t see why they wouldn’t be so happy for you. If you ever need to talk to someone you can talk to me if you want? I might not understand how exactly you feel but I’m a good listener! I hope you feel ok soon.