…so as thinking beasts it is our duty to rationalize the shit out of such thoughts and conclude that suicide is nothing more than a choice; no more significant than choosing which shoes to wear on a bright summers day.
Our lives are not that significant in the universal pattern, they are infintely short and rather grotesque affairs. My life is no more important or grandiose than your life, or the life of a perceived saint, we are all part of the same sea, or shit ball, depending on your outlook. Don’t get me wrong, there are good people, and there are definitely bad people, […]
Tag:
trying
the ex finally left again. that is a good thing, but that old feeling of loss and lonliness always return when she leaves. she was not the reason i tried to kill myself. i tried to kill myself because i do not know how to live in this world. i dont understand it. it dont understand me.evrything that was familiar and comfortable is gone. now, evrything is new and frightning. why is doing the right thing so hard?does the emptiness of loss ever go away? does the pain ever stop? each day i become more withdrawn and reclusive from society. hiding and hoping no one […]
hey folks, wow, what a crazy, emotional day.sun has gone down,the ex has left, and the anxiety has eased somewhat. we were able to get the big stuff out, and now can cocentrate on the little stuff. the important stuff is safe. how sweet the quiet. how sad the heart.it was good. my son and his girlfriend came and helped. the ex did not bother to tell me that they were coming. totally lost it when i saw him. he was great and really enjoyed having them here. embarrased of course.no self confidence or esteem. basically feeling pretty low. but also relieved. some of the […]
the time has arrived. moving stuff out. trying to push through the pain,the anxiety, the fear. she is so strong. so angry with me.deservedly so. she does not recognize how hard i tried. blind to my pain and loss. at least she has somewhere to go, and something to be. she will be safe and able to move foreward from the pathetic excuse of a husband she was with for so long. why is it wrong for me to want to die? what is so important about my existence? i think the normal people need us around to justify their happiness. ” if you dont […]
OK this is my big RANT post of the day or even the week. I call it WHATS THE POINT. (( dont read it if your sensitive ))
Ive been around for more than 4 decades and after all my days of living I find that there are certain things that just really suck about life in general.
One) Life is not fair. Some people are born into well off familys and have a loving careing family that provides a good childhood for them and able to supply them with all a child needs to be happy and to havea good education and proper nutrition etc. While […]
i totally agree with everyone not presently abiding in a veggie garden when they say that fb sucks a bag of dicks…..my pg is not like that….not a single vacay photo or cutesy baby pic in sight…..(full disclosure, it is still a bit depressing) i set it up under a pseudonym so ppl that know me, wont know it’s me…it has my favorite songs about suicide, picts of self immoliation,things i think are cool, and excerpts from diffrent things i’m writing so ppl can tell me if it sux or not, ….since i dont wanna invite ppl “i know” (i use quotation marks here bc […]
Life is not fair / unfair. there is always winners & losers. I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
by niki
written by niki
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money […]
Maybe it will help if I type it all out–my anger, fear, rage, emotionally disability, desire to die. I have been disabled on so many levels, planes, altitudes, planets, and realms of disaster that I can no longer keep up with it all. Really, I haven’t been “dealing” with any of it for so long, if ever. I just want to type this out and not worry about typos, grammar, spelling–because maybe it really will help me. My ride on the crazy train has been going on for most of my life. Now that I’m super obese (been this way before), unemployed for almost a […]
“Glenfidich, clean.”
“I’m going to have to see an ID. I mean, anyone who orders a Glenfidich probably has drank a time or two in their life, but you look kind of young.”
I flashed my license, she responded in a quick nod and vanished into some back area out of view. My vacant stare scanned the activity of the airport terminal. I had gotten three hours sleep, and in the midst of my loose focus, all of the crowds flowed by in bright blurs.
The cling of the glass behind me signaled the arrival of my best friend. I smiled at the server, nervously nursing the bitter […]
It’s a myriad of words stuck in my mind, none of them feeling appropriate for the situation at hand. I’ve memorized them over and over again, like some monologue that I’m trying to get perfect for when you’re in front of me.
Pacing in the pale dawn of the day, I find myself easily sucking down six cigarettes in the span of two hours. In between puffs and sips from a mug of coffee that gets colder, I try to imagine your reaction. Disappointment? Abandonment of one other soul in your life? God knows–you’ve had enough of that.
“. . .I try never to say goodbye, but […]
Hey there. So, I’m back again on this website, for the third time. Three major bouts of suicidal thoughts and depression. But that’s besides the point. Earlier this year, I began my freshman year of high school, and with it, the best years of my life, as I have been told so many times. Unfortunately, that promise is not living up to expectations. I was placed into a college preparation program by my middle school teachers, though I decided not to sign up for it last year because I didn’t want to have too much on my plate. Additionally, at the start of the year, […]
I’m going through a really bad spell, as it was just my birthday and (as I suspected I might) and I spent it alone with a Cup O’ Noodles.
I told my *best friend* that even though I didn’t feel much like going to a casino (which she said SHE was up for, knowing that a casino wouldn’t be the best place for me right now, I suspect) I would love to see her and visit.
She never bothered writing back.
She is a terrible friend.
My most major effort toward a career that I’ve never spoken of on here because it was too real […]
All I ended up knowing was the bad in life I just sat around waiting for it to happen over and over again. Never loved myself or cared to live my life, which is a very precious gift that I have taken for granted. I never went out looking for new opportunities or experiences and I never answered the door when it came knocking. I realized that not all people are selfish that they aren’t all liars, cheaters, that they don’t all want to hurt me. I was in a really bad relationship and when it ended it was for good and it changed everything. […]
Truth is…
I was never good enough. I could never grasp that as a kid, so I kept searching. I kept trying to find somewhere I could be useful, somewhere safe… but the truth is that when you’re a woman, you’re nothing, if not a whore. When you’re black, you’re nothing, if not an animal. If you’re gay, you’re nothing, if not an abomination.
Abused, kidnapped, raped, molested, cast aside. Made to endure hard labor for less than minimum wage. Get hurt, get fired. The world doesn’t honor or respect someone like me. my people being killed and then blamed for […]
I was thinking of the past today. I was trying to make sense of why things are happening the way they are now. Like, maybe it’s karma. I always think of myself as someone who makes good choices and is a good person. I like to think of myself as someone that treats people well and is a good friend. But looking back today, i remember a time that I was a horrible friend. And, so, now i think maybe this is my punishment. Maybe why I am so alone and i have no support is because of that. I’ve had trouble making friends and […]
I’m trying to organize things before I committ suicide. (I was thinking of saying, “do it” or “take the big sleep” or something, but there’s no point in talking around it- my plan is to commit suicide, plain and simple). This will probably be part 1, since I’m sure I’ll think of other things to do.
1. Most important and I know the hardest. Write my son a letter and tell him how very very proud I am of him. Honestly, I’m crying now just thinking about it. He’s 18 now, a man, and a fine one- so at least that’s one thing I did […]
I am on a medicine that has major side effects. It helps me sleep and I am grateful for that. Sometimes I think the doc and therapist are helping at the same time I think they are in cahoots together. I have to remember I’m not a bad person just a sick person trying to get well. Any thoughts about this concept?
Imagination better than reality? Why Imagination is better than reality? Why is Imagination better than reality?
by niki
written by niki
Why Imagination is better than reality?
Why is Imagination better than reality?
Why is fantasy better than reality? Why fantasy is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Interstellar, etc etc, they are much more interesting, full of POSSIBILITIES & varieties / variations, and better than reality / BORING reality […]
I don’t hate the ones in my life; I love them very much. That’s why I want to end my life, so I don’t mess up their lives any more. I know what a disappointment I am to them- really, their expectations are low, and I still can’t meet them. Not for wanting or trying, just lack of ability, I guess. Anyway, when I’m gone, something I look forward to probably 30 times a day, they can have fuller, better lives without me dragging them down. I’m not really needed, other than a paycheck, so not a lot to miss. I know this sounds like […]
Why did this happen to me? Why did I fall so deep into this dark hole which engulfs my spirit? Why does this hole block out love, peace, and happiness? Why must I feel such hatred and anger towards others? I could ask “why” millions of times, but i won’t get an answer. I’ve tried for years, trying to find an answer. My mom told me to pray as a kid, that God would answer all my questions. Well where was God when I needed him in my darkest hours? In the hours I held a gun to my head, or popped a few pills. […]