The Heart That Beats Weakly

I’m going through a really bad spell, as it was just my birthday and (as I suspected I might) and I spent it alone with a Cup O’ Noodles.
I told my *best friend* that even though I didn’t feel much like going to a casino (which she said SHE was up for, knowing that a casino wouldn’t be the best place for me right now, I suspect) I would love to see her and visit.
She never bothered writing back.
She is a terrible friend.
My most major effort toward a career that I’ve never spoken of on here because it was too real and scary has backfired on me. Two years worth of work, losing my mind, trying to stuff my brain with knowledge and going out and getting physical experience through FORCING myself even though I felt I couldn’t, doing it through my normal job and all this bullshit, and it was all for nothing.
I just spoke to my sister and told her the truth of how I feel, and really, she already kind of knows. But I laid it out, why it wasn’t just me feeling sorry for myself, why my efforts are amounting to nothing and how I don’t have a limitless reservoir of strength to pull from. She understands and has seen what I’ve been through since childhood, and she says that she thinks my heart may have finally died. I know what she meant, and she didn’t mean it as extreme as it sounded, but she is right and we both know it.                                                                        She is a good sister, even though she can’t be here physically for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           But I miss my other sister who died of a drug overdose three years ago, who isn’t there physically either. She’s dead because she grew up without a prayer of surviving. Shit just doesn’t fade, bullshit just doesn’t stop.
I have a grandmother a thousand miles away who just lost her husband. She is lonely and getting older. She visited recently for the first time in years, and I think she smelled my desperation even though she doesn’t really know me anymore. My mother is a mentally unstable alcoholic with no teeth, and I think grandma may have smelled her desperation too. She asked if we would ever consider *leaving where we are*
My mother immediately said no, you know how alcoholics are in their local hometowns. I said no too, but I considered it a bit more. And I still am. My grandmother is kind of a heartless person, hard to describe. She doesn’t believe in depression, and she doesn’t really believe in charity. I think she wants to do this because I am her granddaughter, and because she has another one (not my sister) that is ALL fucked up on meth and heroin- she probably doesn’t want to see me go the same route (though she may be unaware there is no chance of that happening). She wants me to do things, and take care of her. I’ve (literally, dropped out of high school to do it, worked two jobs to do it for my father as an adult) taken care of my family all my life, and I’ve NEVER been taken care of. I NEED to be taken care of now. People are saying I’m selfish, that taking care of people was my choice and nothing I should need to be repaid for. There was never any choice, and they know it, but I’m glad it makes them feel better to say so. I NEED people who love me to surround me and support me. But they aren’t there, literally. I could push them farther away from my mind if I were a thousand miles away, but instinctually I know that the weight of the loneliness would crush me.
Going to that place would be the equivalent of a cat crawling under a porch to die where no one can see it. Problem is, that’s really what all the people I considered a *friend* want, because they can get back to only being concerned about themselves without feeling guilty.
I feel a need to give it to them.
A while back, I decided to call out my *friend* in a message, and I told her (after she had ignored my messages and calls for months, or would call me back to tell me that she had no time to see me, like, ever- she lives 15 minutes away) that she was being a bad friend, that I needed her more than this and she knew it, I didn’t know what to do or say to her, blahblahblah, she left an extremely angry message on my porch about how I didn’t understand her life because I don’t have any “real problems” (she goes to school, which is legitimate, but she drove through my town every night, and spends her evenings watching television mostly, when she isn’t doing homework. She DID have days off, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t come see me once a week or something, or I could make plans to see her, which I didn’t mind, you know?), about how she is a GOOD friend and I just don’t see it. She said it felt like a break-up and she didn’t like that and didn’t understand why I was angry. Felt like a break-up to me too. 18 years worth of friendship down the drain will do that to a person. We talked, she said I’m angry and depressed and sometimes I say things that she thinks are directed at her (she told me what some of these things were, they were NOT directed at her, and I tried to tell her that. She claimed to believe me, but I know her well enough to be able to tell that she wanted to believe otherwise because it was convenient for her), so it’s hard to be around me. She used to have severe depression too, but got on Celexa and it worked great for her so she went to school. She convinced me to try it too and I did it faithfully for eight months with almost no results which led her to say I must not have been really trying. I think she knows she’s full of shit. I think she knows her insides are trying to get rid of me in any way possible, and she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too by abandoning me when I haven’t done anything to her and still be a *good person*

I don’t even know what else to say right now. My hands hurt-