I sit here hating myself for being myself. I try everyday to live to be happy, but nothing ever works. The realization of the fact that the one person you love so much will never love you back torments me and leaves me unable to move. I pray for the torment to end.
He says I don’t try enough and he gets mad at me. But I know not what to do. I do what anyone deeply in love does when they are hurt by the one they love…I cry. I cry a river that turns into an ocean. My bloody tears mean nothing anymore because they flow in abundance.
He says I should not be hurt but how can you not when you love someone and he won’t love you back. I blame myself for I feel its my fault. He once loved me, or he said so multiple times. Then he said he doesn’t feel the same way. But it was too late…I was already in love. I don’t want to be in love. I just am in love. So what should I do? He wants me to live, I know he does. I love him..but I don’t want to live without the people I fall in love with. There was one before him. He left me and I loved him. I swore I’d never love again, until he came into my life, so fragile, so sad, so much like myself. He brought down my walls, ploughed through them and got my love. And now he doesn’t want it. So it hurts. How can I make it stop? My love is never needed. I am so deeply hurt! I am not even here.
He says I have trouble seeing the reality. But I see it so clearly. The only thing that takes away my pain is my knife. He hates me for it. I don’t want him to, but I understand. Its easy to hate me when you don’t love me. I am nothing. Nothing. I am a vessel of pain. I am a wasted soul. I do not belong for this world has no place of a soul like mine. I am different. Too different.
He judges my every move. He crticizes everything that I am. He sees only ugliness in me as do I. So what shall we do? I cannot survive. I do not have it in me anymore. I have been broken. I don’t blame him. I blame myself for I am worthless. If I am never loved then I don’t want to exist. I don’t condemn him or the one before him. I simply seek forgiveness for being myself. I simply seek peace for my soul and a release from the torment.
I don’t see a way out. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is a black hole. I need to be saved. He will not save me for I am not worth saving. He will not love me for I am not worth loving.
6 comments
What!?! 😮 I checked out your profile and see you’re 23 years old yet this is the… er.. person you are and call yourself a girl?? Oh my… I’m 21 and I am a proud WOMAN. C’mon ‘girl’. Don’t let this douchebag bring you down…
Oopsie. Ignore that emoticon. Such a weird emoticon…
I feel like a girl on the inside.
How unfortunate. From what I’ve read from your posts, I suppose that’s how I’ll perceive you as: a girl. I can’t help you. Only you have the power to change yourself. Break free from those binding chains of ‘love’. Don’t keep torturing yourself, girl. Strive to be a dominant female. Or whichever path you choose to tread upon.
Its funny you say that..dominant. My bf keeps saying how i am dominating …and here I am not dominating enough :S
You, your bf & Gaara are all simultaneously correct: dominate fullfilling your need not your bf, don’t hate yourself or him for your need. Your need is not wrong it is just more than two people can handle. I believe we must have many sources of replentishment and love. Easier written than done I know. I am half a century old & am still figuring it out, feeling it out.
I do know this: Depending on only one person for love is like trying to float on a drop of water. Those of us who have almost drowned early in life are often too scared to dive into the ocean nor are equipped to do so with the necessary precautions…watch out for rip tides, don’t drink the water, learn to float, don’t wear boots, take swimming lessons, understand hypothermia, don’t drink alcohol first, avoid shark infested areas or at least do something you love like surf in those waters enough times to make the risk worth while.