White gate, white gate,
Under the bridge.
Keys in my hand,
Hiding behind me,
Lower me down to where no one will find me.
Bright lights, bright eyes,
The difference doesn’t seem real,
Back in my head, voices so loud,
Everything is clear again.
Screaming sounds like bells,
Instructions are yelled,
The waves are hands,
Holding you tightly.
Tag:
Voices
Hello, all
I feel like my mind is falling apart. I can’t remember anything and I have no sense of self. Nothing matters and nothing makes me happy.
However, I really do want to enjoy my life. I just want to be someone else.
I want to erase my current mind and start over again.
I also think that I might have an undiagnosed mental illness because of my rapidly-shifting moods, negative internal voices, and suicidal obsessions.
I just don’t want to take medication and go even more insane.
Can anyone else relate?
Im not a very important person. I don’t tell people about my problems. I have many. They drive me insane. I wish I was better person. I cant tell anyone abut this side of me except my only friend cole. he is the only one who will ever understand me. ever.
this is a list 0f my problems
1.im different
2.i cut
3.i am bulimic and anorexic
4.suicidal
5.family death
6.commitment issues
7.my mother has been dating a married man I hate for 6 years
8.my family thinks there’s something wrong with me
9.bullied
10.no friends
11.awkward
12.shy
13.anger issues
14.migranes
15.lack of sleep
16.i hear voices
17.cant focus
18.sexualy abused by half sister [longstory]
and last of all
19.i cant stand myself
please help, my family or […]
Local posts, they list your friends
In order of disappearance
Lawn scattered tins feed birds:
The portions baked for absent guests
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KceYe4Dedbg
Mass edition icon
God sent comfort is your salvation
But who grants absolution for sins
That never were committed?
Call me, darling
Tension makes a tangle of each thought,
It becomes inconvenience
Sound never penetrates as
Servile edges break and faint
Dress lengths, assassinations
Fractured family ties and christenings
Tension
A thought mistaken for a memory
Clear the dust from smiles in boxes
Cross a patterned floor and recall their voices
There goes the plan
i feel all alone.
sometimes i just do not think i am going to make it.
one of these times i will be right.
maybe tomorrow. maybe tonight.
it is a nice night for a flight.
It’s nearly midnight and what’s happening? The thoughts are returning…..The voices are speaking..no, YELLING at me >.< I can hear them now….. “Die ***** die!” “Who says you’re worth living?” “You don’t deserve to live. Your own parents didn’t even want you. HA!”
The thoughts destroy me, kill me, suffocate me, eat me alive. My demons…they’re real. They exist. I don’t want to go on but..I have to. Not just for myself. I’m not living for myself anymore. I’m living for him. And her. For them. They may not care about me but I love them with all my heart.
It’s like…I can scream at them and […]
I am in the military and my wife has been telling me for years “Ever since that last deployment, you just haven’t been the same”. Can’t say I was blown up by an IED or anything of that nature, but the experience was bad enough that the the thought of going back out gave me enough anxiety to want to rip out my chest. I should have gotten help when I got back. It took 3 years but it won. I broke.
On January 24th 2013. I tried to commit suicide. I tied an electrical cord around a joist in my basement. Then I tied it […]
I have always been taught that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. I have lived on this Earth now for 18 years, I am still waiting.
My life so far has been… Gentle, in many ways. My familly are able to provide for me: I have food and a bed, I even have a little money of my own. They say that you can take a horse to water but that you cannot make him drink: though I have food I have no appetite, and though I have a bed I am rarely able to sleep. It seems to me […]
Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of these terrible times and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate. So I’m doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I’m spoiling your life and without me you could work, and you will, I know. You see, I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my […]
Im trying hard to be the best person i can be but my thoughts are elsewere.Elsewere as in on suicide.I dont even have a good reason for wanting die.But i cant stop thinking about dying.i want my thoughts to quiet down.So i dont have to keep doing this.But right now i have this urge that just keeps saying do it.do it..Its not voices rather a feeling.Its night here so im especially tempted to drink the bottle of pine sol.I dont think im going too.But its very hard not to at the same time.My therapist is threatening to lock me away somewere permenately if i […]
I hate everyone. I wish everyone would just die. Everyone talking and laughing when im just the lonely one sitting in the corner not even worrying about me. I just hate group works. it leaves me along and everyone continues to talk. all their voices banging in my heads. i want everyone to shut up.
I’m bad at being a person, I’m bad at being alive. I’m bad at being worth it, heck, I can’t even survive.
I’m good at being a fuck up, i’m good at being sad, i’m good at having no luck, i’m good at being bad.
there are voices, and they yell, all the choices, and stroies they tell. there are demons, In my soul, and they eat me, they eat me whole. there are tears, streaming down, filling an ocean, i hope I drown. There is blood, spilling out, I really pray that, I’m not found.
I’m bad at giving love, I’m bad at giving hope, i’m bad […]
He’s right.
He ran all kinds of physical tests to make sure there was nothing physical.
He’s a psychiatrist, so there’s no talk time.
Yet he figured out what blew me past the limits of my meds… the voices I hear now… or just noticed that I hear now.
Loneliness.
I’m in another country.
I’ve been abandoned by both wings of my family.
There is not a soul that hears me.
Online people share my words, but not a one knows my face. No one has ever looked me in the eyes.
If they did, they would not believe my words anymore.
i dream of walking to it
my home
to count the crooked bricks
fall onto the too long grass
smell the juniper
go through the white door
with the lion knocker
walk through the rooms
the familiar spaces
and patterns on the floor
remember all the voices
all the sorrow
all the joy
through to the back yard
over old redwood planks
lawn surrounded by fruit trees
orange blossoms
to lay under the great mulberry
to gaze up into its branches
and broad green leaves
watch the light dance
and the sky dance
then peacefully
close my eyes
I wanted to make my username match me. So I made it into my goal. To be gone. I’m really sorry for all that’s happened, all the people I have burdened, all the nights my brother said he stayed up because he was worried about me. And I’m sorry that I trusted humanity. That I thought things could get better. For some people maybe they just can’t and they never will. My brother thinks that he can change my fate. He told me he has a plan to change my fate after I proclaimed that I was destined to commit suicide. I can’t let myself […]
After 4 months of not cutting…I’m going to cut tonight.
You dont have to read this and, believe me, i’m not writing this for you.
I’m writing this for me.
For forever I have been trying to show people that I understand and that they’re not alone and that i’ll be here for anyone and I was never needed.
For too long have I held off on cutting for your fucking happiness and so YOU wont have to be disgusted with my fresh wounds.
For years have I held out on stealing YOUR boyfriend because I know that we’re soulmates and HE kissed ME and I […]
I guess I’m going to be a regular to this site now. Hello, whoever’s reading this. You’re pain has become my drug. Your pain is softer than my own. I found this site about a week ago, and I just keep coming back. During school at break, at work when I have a minute… and now, when I have to wake up early and go to school tomorrow. I lay in my bed, poised to hide my laptop should my parents walk down the hall. I am here once more. Reading, and commenting, and now posting.
You’re pain is distracting to me. I hope to do […]
I’m alone. Sad, tired of trying, of living. Tired of waking  up to a bright happy world, and seeing nothing except grey, and things only I can see, hearing sounds of joy, but only hearing the voices of my despair. Franks gone now. Replaced, forgotten. Austins here. He’s just as bad. Eyes are staring, watching with a pointed loaded gun,  or a knife waiting for the right time. I am forgotten, none cares for the sake of me, waiting for the right time. 17. The magic number. 15, countdown. They say if I die, I’ll be back in my world, back in Hallaqu, with Austin, and Goob, Frank, and 200. My […]
i kind of feel like nothing. you know?
as in. i feel empty, literally.
like i have no stomach, or liver, or kidneys, or lungs just nothing. i feel nothing. im just an outline of a figure holding a sad soul, that has already died.
the only thing i know exists is my brain, because the voices are haunting it.
my feelings are gone. i thought i felt numb before, and would occasionally notice a feeling, of somewhat happiness that would last mere seconds.
but now. it’s like i don’t even recognise emotion.
i ‘smile’.
it feels like any other movement.
it doesn’t hold any true feeling of happiness. nothing. […]
all life really is is a set pattern of habits, you wake up everyday, go throught the pointless sharad we call life, maybe some good shit happens, maybe some bad shit happens, then you go to sleep. just to get up and do that shit all over again.
i was taught when i was younger that if you repeatedly did something it became habit, which became life. so how do new things fit into that? if its new it was never habit right? so here we go with another pointless debate. i think we were all born to be adaptive. to accept change when nessasary or […]