I am in the military and my wife has been telling me for years “Ever since that last deployment, you just haven’t been the same”. Can’t say I was blown up by an IED or anything of that nature, but the experience was bad enough that the the thought of going back out gave me enough anxiety to want to rip out my chest. I should have gotten help when I got back. It took 3 years but it won. I broke.
On January 24th 2013. I tried to commit suicide. I tied an electrical cord around a joist in my basement. Then I tied it around my neck and let my legs go slack.
I remember feeling the numbness set in and relieve the pain around my neck, but I don’t remember loosing consciousness. My life passed before my eyes like the most vivid dream I had ever had. It wasn’t like what I had imagined it would be. It was intense and the feeling was astounding and the memories were so real. I felt like I was actually there. But they went by so quickly and before long they were turning into a blurry mess with everyones voices passing my ears almost simultaneously. Then I woke up.
I was on my tippy toes. I couldn’t see I was blind I didn’t know what was actually going on. I realized I was clawing at my neck but what was I clawing at. A rope, no. It’s a cord that’s trying to kill me. How do I get it off. how did I get here. What the fuck is going on!
I finally untied the rope. I then walked over to the couch completely terrified. Iv’e never been terrified before. my heart was pounding and I couldn’t feel anything. My mind was lost from the lack of oxygen and blood. Once I calmed down I realized what I had done. I tried to kill myself. At that point I fell apart in tears. I called my wife. Then I called 911. For the next several months I went through a lot of therapy and two stays in the loony bin. All I could think of was the next best way to do the job. I bought a motorcycle and started riding dangerously. I stopped putting my seatbelt on in the car. I was just wishing for my death to come to me… but it never did.
Here I am 6 months later. I have 5 months of college left and I could care less. I want to drop out. I wait the days as my file gets closer to the top of the list of people about to get medically separated from the military. I am hoping to get enough disability to stay home for a while. I need to be home. Nothing has feeling. All I do is sit in front of my computer and produce my album hoping to get it ready and on the digital shelves by the time I graduate. I pay no attention to my wife, my kids, or any of the several other hobbies I used to have. I see no future. I live on Ativan and antidepressants which give me weekly seizures, only one more thing to make my life a bigger pain in the ass.
As I sit here crying I only hope it helps me feel better. thanks for reading my story.
Your’s Truly,
3 comments
That…that made me cry…my friend just had to ask me if I was okay…thank you for sharing that. I’m not going to try and convince or persuade you of anything, but I’m just going to tell you good luck, and I hope you feel better soon. I really do…
I believe in signs. I believe God uses them at the very moment we need them. He has his touch on your life otherwise you would not be here to share this story. Your sign is very powerful. It gave you the will to live at the very moment you wanted death so bad. I don’t know the experience you have gone through but I watched by brother die from cancer he picked up in Desert Storm. The once strong Marine Capt who wanted to live so badly because he had wife and a young son and a daughter that was just born. Death took him too soon and I watched him go. The images of that used to haunt me in my day and my night. I would wake up seeing his body on the gurney covered by a sheet when they wheeled him out at the funeral home. I saw his barber give him his last haircut with tears in his eyes. You saw things too. You have a family that so desperately wants their husband and daddy back. You lost something over there. Pills is not the answer. The answer lies within your sign. It was from God. Believe in him if you never have before. Humble yourself and cry out to him. When I was at a point in my life when I turned to him and prayed my heart out with tears I was flooded with all doubt afterward because that is what the enemy wants. For us to doubt him or deny his existance. At that point, he gave me a very powerful sign as well. One I have never forgotten and never will because it changed me forever and made me believe that the God who created the heavens and all the beauty of this earth, the mountains, the seas, the rivers and the eagles, all this creation by God and he was listening to me. Just me. Alone on that dark night when I was crying to him. So many more stories to tell but life started for me then and yes I suffered since then because I chose to go my own selfish way. In his love, he corrects to bring us back to him as he did with me. To live his way which produces peace in our hearts and our families and so much more blessings if only we yield to his will. Thank you for posting your story. It reminded me of my brother and I hadn’t thought of him today.
I feel for you man. I really do. Fuck, it’s this type of thing that tears me apart. I pray that you find peace and your purpose my friend.