It was February 20, 2014. Everything was all setup, rope (was seemingly) tight. The chair. The knots were okay. Put the noose over my head… tightened it. Kicking that chair was the hardest thing that I had to do. The feeling was so liberating, I was finally going to be free… one less person for the world to think of. I remember struggling at first, trying to pull myself up, trying to breathe but can’t. It’s not a bright light like they say… it was all just pitch black and quiet. I was at peace in that darkness, I wanted to stay there forever. I […]
Tag:
wanted
I don’t really know what to do anymore. I tried to kill myself once. I’m sure this time I can do it right. I know what I messed up. I’m just tired of who I am. I’m fat, like 250lbs. I’m ugly. Its obvious. For the longest time I was ok so long as I thought I was intelligent or committed, but I don’t think I am anymore. Sure I was intelligent in High school, but that barely counts now. Not that anything I learned matters, when the only jobs I can get are in a restaurant or a call center.
And now I’m alone. I […]
Life is boring , boring life. why movies, games, anime/manga, & fantasy/imagination is better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
by niki
written by niki
life is boring , boring life. why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Marvel / Marvels, Avengers, X-Men, Divergent / Insurgent , Star Wars, The […]
I had a strange and morbid fascination the other night concerning a documentary I watched a few years ago…called “The Bridge” and it chronicles suicides from the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s hard to watch; haunting; very sad. What really spoke to me was the story of Kevin Hines, who actually survived the jump. Once he leaped, he was suddenly struck with the realization that he wanted to LIVE and changed his mind mid-air. And that’s what really haunts me…what if once you pull the trigger, or hoist the rope or leap off…what if in that very moment you decide that you don’t want to die […]
Here I am- again. Oh woe.
…. You know, it isn’t even that I really want to die anymore, or that I don’t want to be here, or that I’m thoroughly sick of it all yet again. It isn’t that I’m done with life or trapped in despair or mired in the worry I like to pull from molehills; it isn’t anything, really.
I’m…. just kind of tired. At this point, after everything, it isn’t that living doesn’t seem at least a little worth it. It doesn’t seem impossible, hopeless, or crushing, it seems doable and enjoyable and maybe something that I could manage to be […]
A.R.
Those initials will haunt me forever.
When you hear about me, will you be sad?
Honestly, I don’t think you will.
You said you wanted to move on from me. So this will only make it easier to forget me.
That really does get me down. But that would depress anyone.
Someone with whom you’d shared such a close bond, such a strong relationship just up and decides one day that you don’t matter enough to even remember.
And sure, I fucked up. I did things I shouldn’t have. I made mistakes. But were they that bad?
There’s just one question I’m dying to know. Ironic choice of words.
Do you think of […]
the internet. i’ve always invisioned going into a community and visualizing them face to face except we’re not really face to face. its just the illusion inside our minds. our bodies make the motion. so any time i enter a forum or whathaveyou, i imagine it a lot like entering into a room already chalked full of people, some you know and some you don’t. the ones that don’t know you happen to see you first, thus already altering an outcome.
stranger: hey, hello…i’m not sure why i’m drawn to you but i am and i just wanted to say hello.
me: plus you gave me a […]
Psychiatrists and physicians always have tons of money invested into malpractice insurance because they know that their toxic treatments can sometimes in fact deform or harm people into permanent disability. If I really wanted to. I could always go back to school to learn a marketable job skill. However, I cannot do that if I should somehow become permanently & painfully disabled by risking my health to toxic psychiatric drugs. I don’t trust psychiatrists or even most physicians anymore because they don’t care if they should harm their own patients, because they can easily get away with spreading misinformation and are not always held accountable for […]
How about giving me Liberty BY giving me Death?
No matter how “free” your country is, the laws of nature in of itself is oppressive. There cannot be true freedom unless suffering is abolished though technological advancements. Unless all diseases, both mentally and physically are cured, biological immortality, a post scarcity society, and suffering abolition becomes a reality, nature will oppress us like Hitler oppressed the Jews and the law of entropy will be our executioner.
Many people want to live in this modern world. They get high on there own dopamine receptors or there belief in some invisible sky god that they convinced has a plan […]
I have a lot on my mind lately. Stupid things, really. But I feel very isolated. Unlovable. More and more, I just want to be alone. To sleep or to read. Part of it is that my boys are growing up (21 and 17) and don’t need their mom as much these days (I mean, except for food. And laundry.) My family is not close (honestly, we could fill a Wal-Mart with our crazy) and my friends, well, they don’t want to be that close. Not their fault. My issues run deep and wide. Still, I have always wanted someone for me. A friend, a […]
This song really shows me how important you mean to me. You trust me with everything and maybe that’s the reason I am pushing you away. I care to much about you to let you be stuck in my screwed up life. I don’t think words describe how thankful I am that you have come into my life. This past weeks been hell, but everyday I looked for you and knew you’d always be there for me. You are the reason I am still here this year. I’ve wanted to end it many times but because of you I didn’t. You broke my walls down […]
I just want to dance with you
Feel the ground disappear from beneath my feet
Look into your eyes and learn to see
A different side of who I am and who I want to be
I just want to sing with you
Feel the words pour out of my soul
Hold your hand and learn to breathe and let it keep me from drowning
I just want to say to you
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I’m just so ashamed of who I am and showing you and losing you
I just want to be near you
I cling to every word you speak
I just […]
So basically i dont know what to do.
Ive had depression for a few years now. When i was about 8 my dad started to get drunk a lot and he would hit me randomly. At first i didnt care but as time went on he started to hit me more and harder. But when i was ten i told my dad i wanted to try boxing and then he stood up barely because he was drunk as fuck and he was like “so you want to do boxing?” Then he punched me as hard as he could and i cried a little and he […]
Lately, drugs have been one of my closest friends, and still the best I have to this moment in time. I’m 16 and ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to commit, nothing pleases me more then the thought of ending all the pain; from passings in my family to just being lonely. I’m home alone for most of the day outside of school, and I don’t have the grades for a future. School makes me want to hurt myself, the expectations are never met, no praise is ever given. I’m over it all, over everything, I used to be obese then something clicked […]
It takes awhile to get to know someone. In my previous 3 posts I have mentioned how I would like to die from autoerotic asphyxia. What I haven’t gotten into much is my personality exists of extreme fight and flight. There are a lot of times I feel intense hatred and rage towards the world and humanity in general. What I can’t really stand are people who have tried to shove conformity down my fucking throat! People just couldn’t mind their own fucking business, so they had to terrorize me and treat me like shit for being different! Is that going to make me embrace […]
pettiness is starting to upset me more. like i know suffering isn’t a fucking competition or whatever, but it’s one of those things where its like oh your sister didn’t get you the bag you wanted for your birthday? yeah, well my sister fucking kicked me in the stomach so god damn hard i had to lay on the floor for 30 minutes and keep in my fucking pain and all i got from my god damn mother was a ‘im sorry. you’re doing a great job’ as if im doing a great job being my sister’s fucking punching bag. or like when girls complain […]
This is a pretty self-indulgent post, sorry. You people are hurting, and deserve something other than a selfish teen’s rant. Please stop reading if it’s wasting your time. It just helps to scream, sometimes. This really belongs in a journal, rather than a forum. Here goes.
I’m hurting others right now. My mother’s saddened, my grandmother’s angry, my aunt has lost respect for me. I’m dressing a certain way and it’s hurting them. My mom’s fighting an eating disorder and my guy clothes are bothering her – hell, I’m her only daughter, so that’s one more thing drifting away from her.
My grandma sat me down and […]
In time all foul things come forth…
Technically he raped me. The definition of rape is forcing someone to have sexual intercourse against their will. That’s what he did.
I’ve never really told anyone this. I’ve hinted about it to friends, but they were never that interested. I’m ashamed because it isn’t something you ever want to admit. Makes me feel weak.
It was St Patrick’s day last year, he was drunk. I humored him when he came into my room. I even humored him when he wanted to kiss me. But then he took it too far. I said no. He pinned my arms back. I always […]
I’m sat in my room right now just singing out loud and it takes me back to every time someone has caught me doing this.
When I’m gone I hope you all think back to these moments
My sister’s reaction would be to turn her music up louder than me.
My brother would complain about wailing cats.
There we those two friends who’d come in and sing with me.
Or the one who’d just smile and dance along.
And the one who wanted to jam and mash up my song with his.
And sure, some would complain and tell me to shut up.
But there were those who’d let me finish and then […]
I just turned 23 years old and im a Girl. and i have suicidal thoughts on and off for years. I believe it started in high school. It all began from my dad. He wis an alcoholic and bi polar and did steroids and a manic depressant etc. He didnt take his medicine for bi polar. My nightmare Of a life began in middle but it got really bad when i was about 15. He would get drunk and go in my room and lock me in there with him while he would get in my face, lay on top of me, throw me on […]