It’s interesting how when you have severe depression, regret is your constant companion. I remember when my depression was just mild. Regret was there, but it was fleeting. There were moments when it was actually gone.
These days, hopefully my final days, regret is there with me every step of the way. If only I had done this. If only I had said that. If only things would have happened this way or that way.
One of my recurring regrets is that she never got to see me at my best. Oh how I wish that she could see me now. Touch me. Hold me. […]
Tag:
weight
I’ve suffered from depression a lot in my life. In the late 1990’s, approaching 40 years old, I fell into a deep depression my wife later said I should have been hospitalized for. I was overweight, had left my job and sold our home hoping to follow my dreams. I was (and still am) married with 3 of my 5 children still at home. The 2 oldest had started college.
The money I made from selling our home began dwindling away. I didn’t have a concrete plan or goal as to what I wanted to do but just a vague idea. I ended up moving my […]
Hello. I am a 13 year old Female dealing with Social Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, and Bullying. Every time i go to school i get judged for who i am, today [4/22/2015], someone pushed me into a wall and called me a fat emo. Last night when i was chatting with my online friends, someone sent me a paragraph on how dumb i am, how worthless i am, and how i am a failure. I cut myself every other day because i know i deserve the pain. I skip every dinner to lose weight. My parents think i’m weird. All of my “friends” make fun of my […]
I might be a little older than others using this page. I’m 36 married and 3 kids…One of them is 3 years old. But these thoughts always come into my mind that my family would be better off without me. The weight of it. I’ve struggled with these thoughts for years. My wife can find someone bettet
i hit a weight point today i guess (im not even sure what its called) and i dont know how to feel about it.
i’m a healthy weight now and my BMI is great and all but like i dont know
i guess i found some comfort in being underweight i guess and i know its fucking stupid and pathetic
but like being underweight for me was being skinny
being able to have a small waist and shit but now that im a normal weight im not skinny in my mind anymore and its just such a fucking drag
This is silly. I finally realize the number one thing that’s been retarding every attempt I make at living, and things just get worse. I’m stupid. My reason is gone. I don’t even get intoxicated anymore. It’s just a way to relieve the pressure in my head. I’ve grown up so much lately. And every ounce of maturity carries with it in equal weight a new wavelength of despair. I have no energy. I am a brick. I cannot think. I’m just being lazy. I’m a coward. I’m afraid to be strong. Being strong takes too much energy. I don’t have energy. I am a […]
What doesn’t kill you makes you wish you were dead
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper
And I can’t take one more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up
It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
I’m not okay, and it’s not alright
Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save […]
I was manic when we started dating. That’s what the drs say. I had lost weight, was happy, wanted to stay up so late and have sex all the time. I moved In with him. He fell In love with me. Then I crashed. So low I thought of suicide constantly. I’ve never been manic or this low before. I feel as if I’ve created him. I’m not who I was. Gained weight. Ugly. Stupid. I feel so sorry for him. I should move out so he can find a good person for him. I’ve told him that and he says he wants me, […]
When I breathe, each time i exhale i feel the weight of life pushing down and its hard to keep up..
Maybe I’m just not built as strong as other people.
I don’t know if I am built to feel, or if that’s just another dumb excuse.
Things are.. hard..
the past.. now.. and the future i don’t see.
Is this all really worth the fight.. ?
Is it all worth the suffering.
and now I feel light headed from the numbness.
the numbness in which this lingering. mother. fucking. depression. has brought upon me.
the emotion to feel numb after being stabbed so many, god damn times.
It cracked like porcelain along the edges of her mind,the crack echoed across the land, the force of of it alone split the mast and sent it careening to the side. Where the tattered and frayed sail touched,it prompted the sea water to shoot into the sky to rain down upon her.
Not even the birds were present this day. The porcelain cracked sky cascaded down in a shower of rainbow fleck chips.
It was all falling apart.
The sun could no longer support its own weight and like a man who was destined to drowned it sank below the earth never to be seen again.
The moon did […]
I.Feel.Like.Shit! I can never stop feeling like shit. It feel like I was born to feel like shit because it never goes away.Nothing ever takes me away from feeling so down. I got to counseling but it never helps. The only time I feel good is when I am with other people ! When I am alone …..I just think I think about the absolute worst!!!! I can’t stop the thoughts, it’s like I can’t breathe . I consider killing myself almost everyday but I’m Afraid. I just want to get out of this hell of a life. This shitty ass life that I can’t […]
I am a young adult. I would like to take my life. Reasons:
-I am innately evil. This brings me overwhelming shame.
-I do not correct my actions. I repeat my evil actions. This brings me guilt and shame.
-I am of no use and a burden to my family, my social circle and my workplace. Shame-shame-shame.
-I do not deserve my salary because I don’t work half as hard as I should. I am cheating my clients out of their money.
-After spending my whole life in this attitude towards life, I am convinced that I cannot change or, though I can, it is […]
I know everyone is caught up in their own life, and I get that. Still, people are so clueless to see when others are not well around them. They ask me if I’m okay constantly due to my demeanor, because I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I use to wear that mask for everyone. I’d go to work or visit family and put on that ”happy mask” and I’ve come to the place before my end, where I just don’t give a shit anymore. If they want to ask questions, that’s fine, they’re entitled to. Doesn’t mean I have to answer, but if I do […]
I lye in bed and stare up at the ceiling as the weight of every mistake I’ve ever made comes to rest on my chest. Right now, I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I miss people that I should just forget. I forget the people that I should have clung to. My heart breaks as I think about all of the things I’ve let go of simply because I thought I could do better. Now I’m here in the grave that I’ve slowly managed to dig for myself because I traded people off until I had No one. I gave things away until […]
I went four months without feeling depressed. The waves started rolling in this past week and now I feel like I’m drowning under water. My chest hurts with the weight of the water and my lungs have filled with the ocean. The life that I had in me is being pulled out like salt dehydrating a body. Before long, I’ll just be another leaf floating in the sea.
I was raped and then a few days later rejected by this guy i liked/loved then put on a bunch of weight and i can’t shake it off.
Typing it out, thinking it out makes me feel so awful. Tons of worse things happen to people. Plus I was depressed/suicidal before this, But I guess it just feels like it solidifies how worthless I’ve felt my entire life.
I went to my personal trainer today. Got weighed and then I just cried. I feel so useless.
If I didn’t have to get my niece and nephew tomorrow I’d take few more vicodin and drink until I fall asleep. […]
This isn’t a “woe is me” post and I apologize in advance if it comes across that way. I dont think my issues or my life is any worse than anyone else here. Im presently numb and seem to be somehow getting more and more so as the days pass. I feel so absolutely and completely overwhelmed that it’s like I cannot handle anything else so I have become numb. I have been severely depressed and suicidal for awhile now, but have tried my best to hold on. There is nothing left to cling to.
My injury seven years ago left me with continual physical pain. […]
“You have broken my heart more times then the fingers on my hand can count. Yet I still carry you. You, a master whose eye have strayed for a moment on a servant such as I. All the beautiful women fought for your affection, an affection that was cast upon me. My scarred body no longer produced deep angry red cuts. You had run the demons away. Alas I am a lowly servant not nearly as beautiful as they who are your equal. Now I lay here with fresh scars without so much as a glance from you. I no longer hold your heart and […]
My mother resents me so much. She always has. I was always the reble, the introvert, the undesirable fat one, whenever the family was dressed for an occasion, I was left home alone. So many nights I wished somebody would’ve just broken in and murdered me. Now I know for a fact my mothers life would be ideal without me. Her words tear me apart. I want to fix myself and lose weight and be confident for once in my life but she could care less. I hate living like this. I wish someone would end my miserable life, I would be erased and forgotten […]
Do you ever find yourself writing letters that you’ll never send? I don’t mean actual pen and paper letters, like maybe written down on your computer or as a draft in your inbox?
I’m doing it more often these days.
I write letters to everyone. Family. Friends. And you.
I think if I went I’d want them to be delivered to people. They are my essence. My everything. I don’t know any kind of post mortem delivery system for the suicidal though.
I find myself staring at the belt more and more. Nothing special. An old brown leather belt. It holds my weight, I’ve checked. So does the bed […]