When I was younger, I was molested and beaten almost daily by my older sister who I idolized and looked up to. My parents would blame me for her violent episodes, saying that I provoked her. Whenever I would fight back, I’d be punished, by spankings with a belt, or they would take away things that were important to me.
Later on, my sister told my parents that I was the one who instigated the molestation. It was a very, very shameful night, me, sitting at the table with my family, my sister crying crocodile tears of guilt at 15 years of […]
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Younger Siblings
So every single morning, I wake up. Obviously, either wise i wouldnt be here right now and you wouldn’t be reading this crappy entry. but oh well. anyways, i do my normal routine, get ready for school, stare at myself in the mirror, criticize myself, decide whether or not i should skip breakfast, blahblahblah. sounding familiar? .. then i get to school, dont know who to be around with in the morning, should i hang out with my backstabbing friends , or be a loner and get looks and shit? i choose the latter most times. school goes pretty fine, heart hurts everytime i see […]
i cant stand that he still gets to walk around. he still gets to drink his beer sit on his fat ass walk around like he owns everyone spend all day on the computer stalking people on facebook. i cant stand that he will never be held accountable for the hell he made me experience and for ruining my life. all i feel is a very deep hatred that goes beyond what my body can contain. i hate having to see him. i wish i would never see him again. the problem is that my mother is still married to him and i love and […]
I am in my late 20s, in a lesbian relationship, and diagnosed borderline personality disorder and have depression. I’ve been going to therapy for a few months and have been taking my meds as prescribed.
I have a degree in psychology and a Masters degree in forensic psychology. I enjoy running, surfing, basketball, snowboarding, and wakeboarding. I love my family.
My mother is understanding and supportive, as are my younger siblings. I also have some support from a few good friends.
However, my relationship is a chaotic rollercoaster and I can’t bare it anymore. The anger and pain have disolved my strength to keep going.
At […]
Everything seems to be slipping out of my hands right now. My relationship with my boyfriend, who was also my best friend. My relationship with my parents. My mom has just left the house. I am here trying to drown my grief somehow. I dont know what to do. I have younger siblings I should take care of right? But I need to be taken care of. My boyfriend is not understanding. he doesn’t even know what else I am going through. Im so lost and confused.
I’m sat in bed, crying. I feel pathetic even writing this but I have nowhere else to go. My mum just took me out to go to B&Q with her. On the way I said ‘I would like to go home.’ She pulled up and asked me why. I said ‘I don’t know what I want to do because I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here.’
She took me home. On the way I asked her if she was currently suicidal, she said no but she had been not too long ago. I said, ‘Next time you feel that way maybe […]
It’s coming up on the big day and for a little while I was actually able to forget about it…found meaning in painting again, in witnessing my younger siblings’ awesome potential and magical ability to just be happy. A beautiful couple weeks without any physical pain. Then everything rushed back in. Can’t paint, can’t write, can’t cook, can barely open doors. Nobody knows what it is and nothing has helped. Undiagnosable pain in my hands since I was 16. Â Nothing makes me feel as hopeless as this. Not knowing that I will never find love with a girl, never have babies or finish school, never […]
I just had one, simply because someone else posted something moronic on their facebook. Some bible quote:
Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men
My thoughts were like this; that is right, I am trash, I am going to be trodden upon, because I have no savour, and I can’t fight for myself, I’m horrible and pathetic and damaged, with no morals, no motivation, no drive.
Its like pearls before swine, and I am swine. A […]