May 27th, 2010by C1223
I’m in the process of taking painkillers that I’m chasing with vodka/rum. I’ve wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted to die for so long. I waited and prayed for God to kill me but he never did so now I’m going to do it my way now.
Its funny. My life could be a lot worse. I made the cheerleading squad at the college I’m transferring to. Something I wanted really bad and worked really really hard for. I got a good internship for this summer that not only will pay well but will look good on my resume for when I apply for jobs and for when I apply to grad school. Or I guess I should say applied. Now it will never happen.
I know its dumb since I’m 20 and what I’m about to say sounds so middle school but it hurts knowing that I’ll never be good enough for any man and that I’ll probably die a virgin unless I’m raped. I was already molested by a guy that I had liked for over a year. We were both drunk (he more so then I) and ended up fondling me even though I at first told him to stop. I thought of course that him feeling me up would mean that he would actually want me but he doesn’t. Of course I’m not good enough for him. I even started smoking weed with him to try and impress him but of course he still finds me repulsive. I can’t even get a druggie to like me, so I’ll obviously never be able to attract anyone decent. I’m not good enough for any guys. They’d rather stick pins in their eyes than be seen with me in public, much less date or marry me. I’m the only one of my friends now that’s single. I’ve never even been asked out on a date. I hate feeling so ugly and alone all of the time. It will never change. I know that now.
And then a few hours ago, my mom comes and tells me I have to stay with my dad for the summer instead of my grandparents since my grandpa is really sick. This is my last living grandfather and now he might die and on top of that, I hate my dad. He’s extremely controlling and manipulative and literally hates to see me have fun. He rarely even let’s me leave the house. He had a really rough upbringing and loves to take it out on me now that my mom has divorced him and he has no one else to make miserable.
Maybe I am scaerd about killing myself. I don’t know what will happen to me once I’m actually dead. I’m scared. I kind of don’t want to take the rest of these pills, but I need to because I know my life is never going to change for the better like they always say it will. I’m sick of being lied to.
I just wish it could have all ended better. I wanted to show all of the people who put me down for all these years that I was worth something. That I could succeed despite them constantly trying to make me feel like I should kill myself. Well congratulations. They won. I’m not putting up with this anymore.
I can’t be myself because that will never be good enough. I’m seen as worthless and no one will talk to me for not being “hot” but when I am “hot”, I’m harrassed by nasty guys and older men who only want one thing. Sucks to be a girl.
Sorry for anyone that actually read this if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense or if its grammatically incorrect in places. I honestly barely even know what I’m writing since I’m already feeling high and buzzy from the pills/alcohol and I’m writing this on my crappy blackberry since my laptop won’t get internet anymore so no spell check. I guess I’m just venting. I hate hate hate my life. I just want it to be over. Even if I turn into a vegetable or a coma, at least I won’t have to deal with waking up every day and facing the horrible and hurtful people that surround me. I try to tell people how much I hate myself and my life but they just dismiss it, stop talking to me because they think I’m a lost cause, or worse, accuse me of just wanting attention. Do they really think this is a joke?
My “friends” keep calling/texting me. I was supposed to see the midnight premiere of sex and the city 2, a movie I’ve been waiting a very,very long time to see. I guess they’re actually worried about me. Ha! I’m tired and now I have a pounding headache and sharp pain in the back of my neck and head so I think I’ll just go to bed and see whether or not I wake up in the morning. Good night! In case I don’t wake up, thank you if you actually read this. It really means a lot to me since people hardly ever reply to my posts so thank you since these may be some of the last words I get to say. I hope life treats ya’ll well, or at least a hell of a lot better than it treated me.