i hate my life so, so much

May 27th, 2010 by C1223

I’m in the process of taking painkillers that I’m chasing with vodka/rum. I’ve wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted to die for so long. I waited and prayed for God to kill me but he never did so now I’m going to do it my way now.

Its funny. My life could be a lot worse. I made the cheerleading squad at the college I’m transferring to. Something I wanted really bad and worked really really hard for. I got a good internship for this summer that not only will pay well but will look good on my resume for when I apply for jobs and for when I apply to grad school. Or I guess I should say applied. Now it will never happen.

I know its dumb since I’m 20 and what I’m about to say sounds so middle school but it hurts knowing that I’ll never be good enough for any man and that I’ll probably die a virgin unless I’m raped. I was already molested by a guy that I had liked for over a year. We were both drunk (he more so then I) and ended up fondling me even though I at first told him to stop. I thought of course that him feeling me up would mean that he would actually want me but he doesn’t. Of course I’m not good enough for him. I even started smoking weed with him to try and impress him but of course he still finds me repulsive. I can’t even get a druggie to like me, so I’ll obviously never be able to attract anyone decent. I’m not good enough for any guys. They’d rather stick pins in their eyes than be seen with me in public, much less date or marry me. I’m the only one of my friends now that’s single. I’ve never even been asked out on a date. I hate feeling so ugly and alone all of the time. It will never change. I know that now.

And then a few hours ago, my mom comes and tells me I have to stay with my dad for the summer instead of my grandparents since my grandpa is really sick. This is my last living grandfather and now he might die and on top of that, I hate my dad. He’s extremely controlling and manipulative and literally hates to see me have fun. He rarely even let’s me leave the house. He had a really rough upbringing and loves to take it out on me now that my mom has divorced him and he has no one else to make miserable.

Maybe I am scaerd about killing myself. I don’t know what will happen to me once I’m actually dead. I’m scared. I kind of don’t want to take the rest of these pills, but I need to because I know my life is never going to change for the better like they always say it will. I’m sick of being lied to.

I just wish it could have all ended better. I wanted to show all of the people who put me down for all these years that I was worth something. That I could succeed despite them constantly trying to make me feel like I should kill myself. Well congratulations. They won. I’m not putting up with this anymore.

I can’t be myself because that will never be good enough. I’m seen as worthless and no one will talk to me for not being “hot” but when I am “hot”, I’m harrassed by nasty guys and older men who only want one thing. Sucks to be a girl.

Sorry for anyone that actually read this if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense or if its grammatically incorrect in places. I honestly barely even know what I’m writing since I’m already feeling high and buzzy from the pills/alcohol and I’m writing this on my crappy blackberry since my laptop won’t get internet anymore so no spell check. I guess I’m just venting. I hate hate hate my life. I just want it to be over. Even if I turn into a vegetable or a coma, at least I won’t have to deal with waking up every day and facing the horrible and hurtful people that surround me. I try to tell people how much I hate myself and my life but they just dismiss it, stop talking to me because they think I’m a lost cause, or worse, accuse me of just wanting attention. Do they really think this is a joke?

My “friends” keep calling/texting me. I was supposed to see the midnight premiere of sex and the city 2, a movie I’ve been waiting a very,very long time to see. I guess they’re actually worried about me. Ha! I’m tired and now I have a pounding headache and sharp pain in the back of my neck and head so I think I’ll just go to bed and see whether or not I wake up in the morning. Good night! In case I don’t wake up, thank you if you actually read this. It really means a lot to me since people hardly ever reply to my posts so thank you since these may be some of the last words I get to say. I hope life treats ya’ll well, or at least a hell of a lot better than it treated me.

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14 Responses to “i hate my life so, so much”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. Hi,

    Well, I’m not really good at giving adivce, especially since I am struggling greatly with suicidal feelings much like you are. I did read your entire post intently.

    However, I would say one thing, please hold off for now. Suicide is indeed a permanent decision. Tomorrow, make an appointment with a therapist and/or a doctor. Try talking and medication… it may help. Remember, suicide is final; waiting a while to at least talk to a therapist and/or a doctor and trying some type of medication won’t make matters worse, and may even start to make things better.

    Please log in later or tomorrow and put up another post and let everyone know how your doing If you’ve not posted on here before, I think you’ll find a lot of people struggling with similar feelings (including myself). Often, being able to discuss/vent, etc with kindred spirits that you can find on this forum can be therapeutic and helpful in itself.

  2. I am by no means the one who can give advice to you, as I attempted 3 months ago and am not sure how I made it out of ICU. I thought for sure it was final. I was so close to the wonderful peace all of us crave so much.

    I am sorry that I don’t have any answers or advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. So many of us feel just like you do.

  3. Ha! I laugh in kind of disbelief, C1223. I really didn’t think I would be posting anything here tonight, but you have compelled me. You may already be dead, I don’t know, but if you aren’t, I bet at some point you’ll make the time to come back here and see if anyone had anything worth while to say in response to your post. I wonder if it’s me.

    I found your post quite interesting. I’m a guy, in my 30′s, but we actually see eye to eye on some of this stuff. I try and try, I’m not good enough for any girl either. I wonder about it a lot. I mean, like there are so many things I don’t give a hoot about, but I’ve always wanted to be with a girl, in a committed relationship that mattered. It’s not about sex or like, the acceptance, and I get like mercilessly made fun of about it, but no one thinks they are making fun of me. I actually have friends, cus I am a really good actor and I’m able to just fake like I’m a healthy happy person, but I’m not. My appearance isn’t bad, some of my female friends even rate me as like a 7 – so people think it’s kind of weird, they find all these excuses like “you don’t put yourself out there” and stupid crap like that, but I mean, I have nothing that would appeal to any woman anywhere. It’s brutal. I know how hard it is for girls too, like it really is. To read your post and it says “nasty guys and weird old guys who want just 1 thing” it’s totally true. I don’t know where to tell you to find a decent, cool guy, but on the same token, could you tell me where to find a decent, cool chick? It’s not easy, but it sure looks easy for others, from my point of view. Looks like we have the same point of view there, huh. All I can say is, if you made cheerleader at a college, you probably have some redeeming qualities in terms of looks – maybe you’re in the same boat as me. I am not good looking enough to get anyone, but I am not like deformed or effed up enough for anyone to feel sorry for me either. So I’m stuck in limbo land.

    It’s at this point, that I don’t really know what to say, C1223. I’m not even like trying to give you advice, or tell you what to do… I just thought I should say something. I’m kinda drunk, and I don’t want to live anymore either, but I thought I should say something. I’m just on here reading stuff, wondering if tonight is the night, and your words kind of got to me. As weird as it may sound though, I can say pretty much without doubt, you can find someone, you are good enough for someone. Now, if someone told me the same thing, I would consider it a lie. May sound like BS, but if you aren’t dead, you should try looking maybe in a different place, or for a different type, or something. Do you remember the commercials for that movie, where the hot chick that’s a 10 likes that dude, but his buddies tell him “you’re like a 6, it’s too big of a gap” well yeah, on the 1-10 scale, everyone wants to do better or what not, or like, ideally, your heart wants to do better cus hope is an emotion most of us have. Yeah, when you don’t want to live, it’s hard to have any hope. I don’t have hope. I figure I’m a 4, I try to get 5′s or 6′s and get laughed off. I figure best I can do is like some 400 pound chick or some other chick that has like 4 kids from 4 different dudes, it sounds kind of mean but dude, I am kinda normal to have this problem. C1223, if you’re kinda normal and can’t figure it out either, hey, join the club. Believe it or not, for the last ten minutes I’ve been typing away to you and not thinking about killing myself, so I guess that isn’t so bad. On a side note, my family is a decent group of people, and they are the only reason I haven’t already done it, but one day, that motivation will run out. If you’re still alive, maybe you can find some kind of motivation for the short term. You might meet some people that give you refreshed motivation for living. You never know.

    To close out, I hate my life too, and if I could find a non-suicide way to end it right now, oh I would totally do it. It seems kinda like an a@@hole thing to say (cus if you want to die, and you took the pills and alcohol to actually end it, well then fair enough) but I do actually hope you wake up with a horrible, rotten hangover, and that you read this. You might not feel so alone. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t, but you didn’t just get someone to read your post, you got a reply from a guy that didn’t think he was gonna reply to anything (I had to register for this just to reply, hehehe) OK I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette, and wonder where you are, and what’s happening. Later, Tmac – real quick though, P.S. you were gonna go see sex and the city 2 with some friends, and they were calling you and stuff? that’s pretty brutal. I hope they are ok, especially if they like life and want to keep on striving, this whole thing might be tough for them…

  4. You wrote this all on a blackberry? Wow I’m impressed.

  5. Well it’s been a couple days C1223, I hope you have found peace. I have found none. I wonder how long before I finally tire of waiting to die…

  6. Sorry. I’m still here. I really haven’t had time to check this site in the last couple of days and things have been really busy. Plus my internet is broken and yes geranamine, I am writing this on my blackberry again. Haha your comment made me smile so thanks. Yeah, so obviously I did wake up even though I felt like I had been hit by a freight truck and I’ve had a pretty bad headache the past couple of days since then. I guess its been almost a week by now and I still feel like sh!t. I dunno. I mean everyones comments did help actually and I thank you all. I just wish there was some magic word that someone could say that would make it all better. I’m heading over to my dads tomorrow night and I really really don’t want to go. It will be like living in a prison. I can usually barely stand living with him for a few weeks or even a few days so living with him for 2 months will be absolute torture. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t know. But I thought I would just write and say I was ok even though I know its been quite a while and I din’t respond so I’m sorry. Thanks again.
    P.s. Tmac, I tried to private message you but either my phone internet doesn’t let me do it or this website just doesn’t do PM. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you so much for your responses. You really actually seemed to care (even if you were a little drunk haha) and I hope you find peace too. I haven’t found it yet either but hopefully if its out there we will both maybe find it someday. And same for you Motogp. Even though I didn’t end up in ICU, I still felt really sick the next day and I’m still experiencing random headaches most likely from my suicide attempt so I know how you feel. I’m still undecided with whether or not suicide is the answer but at the same time, I’m really disappointed to still be alive. Lost_va, I’ve decided after reading your comment when I get to my dad’s I should try counseling again. I’ve been to counselors and psychologists off and on for years but I’ll admit I’ve held back because I’ve always feared that it wouldn’t give me what I’m looking for but maybe I should really invest myself and maybe it will work better than I’ve expected. I mean you never know until you really try right? I’m just really at my wits end so at this point I would try anything…but thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. You really don’t know how much that means to me. In fact the only reason I logged on tonight was to find more reason to try and kill myself again but your comments have definitely made me consider otherwise.So thanks again for like the millionth time! You guys may have just saved/changed my life :)

  7. hey, i forgot to check back after a while, and was going to delete this from my bookmarks and thought i’d check it first. so you made it. holla. i am still going as well.

  8. Wow. Look at this! This seems like forever ago. C1223, I miss you. Not that I ever knew you, but I wish you would have talked to me. Just sayin. It’s not a big deal, but would have been cool. I felt like I bonded with you that night from where i was to wherever you were. Kinda sad I never got a reply. At least I know it didn’t happen that night, the first time you posted. Wonder if you’ll ever check this site again, and notice that 2 years later, here I am with a reply once more.

    This reply isn’t directly at C1223, it’s to the people who have read it since. You see, I just checked my phone about 15 minutes ago and had gotten an email from someone asking to talk to me. Because I put my email address right on my reply, I’m an easy person to get a hold of. I’d like it known that tonight is not the first time someone has sent me an email wanting to talk or wanting to respond to me personally. It’s been over a year ago, but I was out with some friends celebrating “cinco de mayo” or as Americans should call it “a convenient excuse to drink corona and tequila” lol, but as I was sitting at a bar my phone beeped and I had someone asking me to talk. In my drunken state, I had to get it off my chest and tell one of my friends about how i left a reply on a suicide website, and that it wouldn’t be easy for me to have fun for the rest of the night because i was thinking about the person that emailed me wanting help, but i was in no form able to help that person at that time. I felt kind of guilty about that. I was too drunk to think clearly, and waited to reply til the next day, and I never got a reply back. Guilt about not being there for someone i never even knew. that was a new one for me, but it wasn’t easy thinking that i was maybe the last life line they had, and they called out to me, and i wasn’t there. had to do some deep thinking about that for a bit. which is what brings me to this reply tonight. it’s why i looked up this site, and decided to make a long awaited public response. Cus if these are my last words on here, I want to make them more meaningful than what i first wrote to C1223. Reading over my own words again, I know i had to be proper wasted to type that stuff. I ramble a lot even when sober, but that first response i barely made sense and it still seemed to resonate to people. So here is a proper response that i feel is worthy of my efforts, and worthy reading to whomever should run across this in the future.

    I’m actually kind of touched to be honest. Didn’t know my words would mean enough to anyone that they would actually see me as a kind of voice of reason. Its kind of earth shattering to me that I went to google.com and typed in my email, and searched. The first thing that came up was this very page, with my very reply to C1223′s first post. Very bittersweet.

    On the one hand, I think “hey, maybe my email isn’t all over the web and that’s the one place it’s posted, so that isn’t weird or anything” but on the other hand I think “wow, of all I’ve ever done, and I’ve used this email for ten years now, the most viewed page in all the planet that has my email on it is on a suicide website” and that makes me pause and think about how sad that is. it provides me with a vast array of emotions, most of which i wasn’t really looking for. It’s a sour taste to be sure. Aren’t I more than this? What if my mother, or my best friends sister who is super cool, or my favorite teacher from school were to type in my email and search – and these people are of course people that i have kept this secret from. Like most of you, I found it much easier to be brutally honest with total strangers, as I could not really accept the self inflicted pain of having to deal with telling those most closely to me that i was struggling so hard, and telling the people that you care about that i didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not easy folks. It’s not. As I’m typing this my eyes are watering up a little… I’m a grown man. I’m not supposed to cry, but I do sometimes. I do. I’m not alone either. I know if you’re on here reading not just my post, or C1223′s post, but on this site in any way shape or form, you’ve cried too. Probably more than you’d like to admit. First thing you should know right now is that it is OK. It’s OK to cry. Life is hard! REALLY hard! We’re humans, we have feelings and emotions and all kinds of complicated things going on. I haven’t even mentioned hormones, am i right ladies?!?! Hahahahaha, that’s in jest, but I know that any girl that reads that line will at least chuckle a little bit :)

    So moving on (or else I’ll be typing for hours here) to the point of all this, I have something to say to anyone and everyone that reads this. I want to help. I want to help you, or if it’s not you or maybe someone you know, I want to help them too. I WANT TO HELP! Now I’m not some therapist who has some secret formula or the best ideas or whatever. I’m no mystic, I’m no genius, but I want to help. AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU. Think about that for just a second………… i don’t even know you, and i want to help. So that is my message. If i don’t know you and i want to help you, doesn’t that click for you? because it should SCREAM that you are not alone! when i have my darkest and worst moments, i feel nothing but alone. and I’m one of the fortunate! I have a great family, people that care about me, I’ve never had tragedy strike my life (knock on wood) I’ve never been the victim of a crime, never been sexually assaulted, never been poor, never been hungry, never been homeless, and still yet – while those are all blessings i do not take for granted, because i know many people are not so fortunate, god bless them – when i get depressed, when i feel down, i feel so alone that not even my most trusted people would understand my pain. it’s true though! it’s almost like a paradox where i think i would be more alone if i shared my internal struggles because the people that care about me would be so confused and so taken aback by what i would tell them that they may consider me crazy and push me away… leaving me MORE alone than i already am! it’s a terrible thing to have to consider, but it’s true – and i know many people on this site are right there with me. it’s bad enough having no one to relate to your problems, without people thinking you are nuts for saying what your problems really are. cus people that are normal, people that want to live and don’t have these same struggles, it’s such a foreign concept to them that they just can not relate.

    that’s what we have this website for. that’s why we rely on strangers over the internet for. it’s why I’m leaving a comment about a post 2 years gone, it’s why i got an email tonight, and a email during the winter, an email last summer, an email last cinco de mayo, it’s why we have…. each other. as anonymous as were are, we know it’s a real person. not just a person like, hey, there’s 6 billion of us. but a person that is struggling like you, a person fighting the same battles as you, a person we can – TALK TO. and this is my final point….

    TALK ABOUT IT. Don’t kill yourself. TALK IT OUT. I’m still here. 2 years on, am i happy? not really. do i want to die? yeah, it would be easier than fighting this fight. but like for what? what good does it do me? if i kill myself tomorrow, what happens? well i can tell you this, a LOT of people are gonna feel responsible. not directly. no ones gonna put the pills in my belly, or slice my veins, or whatever. that would be me. but the people that i leave behind, they’re gonna have a shadow following them, and it’s gonna be mine. that’s not cool. IT’S NOT COOL to do that. that’s what’s kept me from doing it, it’s what’s kept me alive, because the people that i care about, they don’t deserve it. they don’t deserve that shame. now the people i know that i care about the most, my list of friends and family that i value (now yours may be a shorter list, i understand that, but still, even if it’s only 1 person, they still count) do not deserve the pain of wondering what they did wrong. because even if they are blameless and spotless and did nothing wrong, they won’t feel that way. they’ll never not feel some sort of horrible responsibility. they’ll feel they didn’t do enough. they’ll always think that no matter what.

    Now let me take a moment aside to say this, for those few of you that may be trying to twist my words. If you’re considering suicide as like a vindictive way of getting back at someone because you actually want them to feel like they didn’t do enough for you, like they should be responsible for your suicide…. that’s shameful. this website isn’t for you. this website is for people dealing with real internal demons and real problems. if your way out is to martyr yourself to make someone else feel bad, and your secret hopes are that they feel bad enough to commit suicide themselves once they hear what happened to you, then get lost. only the most petty and childish, the worst type of people consider suicide for reasons as cheap as those. most of my message will be lost on you, and I’m sorry for that. because i believe this message has a value to most of the people reading it.

    on the contrary, to those poor people that have had the worst things imaginable happen to them… maybe your loved one was murdered, maybe you were raped, whatever. if you are one of the few that has had one horrible person absolutely ruin your life to where it will never be the same again, and you actually believe you can’t go on living because one terrible person acted out on your life… I want to say I’m sorry. your pain may seem insufferable, and it may possibly never end. only for mere moments will you forget your pain before it comes rushing back to you. if that is you then bless you. i can’t fix that. i can only try to make sense to the people that are trying to make a choice. but I can tell you once again exactly what i am going to tell everyone once more before i close this out.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE. remember that! no cliches, no bullshit stories, no message of hope… because in my moments of soul crushing depression and mind numbing despair that i share with most of the people searching for help on this website, hope is something that i simply can not place my future in. it just doesn’t make sense when you’re hopeless. which is why I’m here right now talking until the break of dawn. not stories, not opinions, i am only pointing out the facts. no matter who you are, no matter what has happened or what will happen, you’re actually not alone. could be me, or some other person on this site. could be one of your best friends, or just a casual acquaintance. maybe a coworker. who knows. which is why you shouldn’t do it. if you’re contemplating the most important decision of your life – which is whether or not to kill yourself, then my advice is to NOT do it. don’t do it. find that person that makes you realize you’re not alone.

    I wouldn’t be typing this if I had done it. you guys can all see when i posted it. it was over 2 years ago. here i am. am i happy? am i satisfied? am i any less lonely… no to all those. i feel the same way i did back then (i’m just not as drunk as that night, hahahaha) but seriously, i’m the same guy. nothing has changed. i just try to find the small things that keep me going. it’s not always easy finding them. i feel like a mouse looking for a piece of cheese in one of those huge mazes. i keep on getting by with this analogy. let’s just say that happiness is a five dollar bill. well i can’t get that. but what i can get is a bunch of pennies, nickels, even occasionally a dime or a quarter. so i just keep doing little things to keep adding into my pile of coins, hoping that one day i’ll get that happy little 5 dollar bill. i can hope. i don’t know if it will come true, or if that 5 dollar bill will make me as happy as i want, but i keep on trying. when i finally do cash in my change, i hope that i feel rich. please keep on trying people, you never know when you’re gonna feel rich.

    sincerely, Tmac

  9. @Tmac just to let you know C1223 posted on this site since this :) http://suicideproject.org/2012/01/now-or-later/

  10. @Tmac

    because of some b***s***s that i’ve done, i turned out a waste. i wasted away like i was cursed or just bec of Karma. I live with my parents but I don’t seem to think they notice my existence. I’m stuck, and couldn’t carry on even how i’m dying to want to. i found this site and yet, no one seem to notice me even here. wtf.. i really feel so cursed..

    anyway, if u can lend an ear..
    hit me here- ging020789@gmail.com.

    this is pathetic but i just feel so lost and alone.

  11. So when i first posted on here i just thought i had nothing to lose, and i was so full of apathy that i didn’t care anyways. I wanted to talk just to this one person, i was probably drunk, who knows. Most of it doesn’t matter. I put my email on here though. That was a terrible idea. I took the first few emails kind of seriously, because i wanted to help, why wouldn’t you want to help, right? But it has since gotten out of control. I’ve had emails of all types, people desperate for help or advice. Some people actually find me like inspiring in a way, and they want to talk to me cus maybe they think i’m cool, or whatever. I don’t know. I do know that it is kind of unwanted attention at this point. When I looked up my email on google, this is the first thing that came up. I know it’s still anonymous, no one can like really track me down per say or whatever, but man, I really wish this site would just let me delete that post. I don’t care about anything else, but I want this post gone and I can’t find a way to do that. They say don’t put your email in because of spam bots, but no, there is an even worse reality, actual people emailing you. That sounds like i’m kind of bitter, and trying to be not helpful in any way, but it’s like… I tried to reach out to someone. I wasn’t trying to make it possible for people to reach out to me, I hope you know the difference. I’m not turning a cold shoulder on people that need help, even though I kind of am it would appear, but this is unwanted attention. It got out of hand when I was actually talking to someone, and I tried and tried, we emailed each other back and forth, and they were just in total refusal to even take any of my advice or even give what i was saying any credence. It just became nonsense and it became clear this person just wanted someone to hear them complain and feel sorry for themselves. It came to a boil one night when I was supposed to be going out for dinner with some family, and this person didn’t want me to go, because if I didn’t keep emailing them back, they were going to kill themselves. So this person was trying to dictate what I was doing in my life, by threatening suicide. That is when it crossed the line. I have responded to hardly anything since. To tell the truth, I told that person that I wasn’t going to skip out on a family dinner for a complete stranger, and we never corresponded again. Don’t know what happened, or if anything happened. Maybe person realized events had run their course and just decided to leave me alone, or maybe they overdosed while I was out. Who knows.

    The point is this. I have turned the corner. I’m not even close to where I was in these dark days. I feel so much better. But it wasn’t counseling, it wasn’t drugs, it wasn’t a loved one, a family member, a friend, or a lover that changed me. It was me that changed me. I set out on a path to find things that i enjoyed, reasons that I did like living, and try to maximize those moments or things, and try to minimize the things that really made me feel like life wasn’t valuable. It took a lot of work. So, if you’re lazy, you’re probably not going to be able to make things work. But I somehow did. Yes, it took a lot of time. I had to really assess a lot of things. I had to get my priorities nailed down before I could do anything. Stopped drinking so much, tried to get healthier. Cut out a lot of soda drinking, switched to tea and coffee. Less fast food, more fruit. Less video games, more reading books. If you want to up the property value on a house, you paint it, refurbish it, try to make it look nicer. Maybe it’s not a million dollar house, but do you want to live in it? well that was kinda what I did for me. I tried to up my value, both for myself and for the way others viewed me. Like this wasn’t easy guys that are going to read this, so like, it’s not going to be easy for you either. There are some things you can’t change, so you just gotta deal. Change what is in your power. I started out with small things, easy to accomplish goals. the phrase rome wasn’t built in a day? well neither were you and i. i stayed patient, i kept working for goals. I would set goals for short, mid, and long term. short term goals were easy, and it started chipping away at the weight i was carrying from self guilt, self dislike, i mean, a lot of weight i didn’t want anymore. I didn’t just shrug it all off, i still have a lot of work to do – but i got started, and it got easier. fulfilling some goals gave me to confidence to try working on others. then it was like, hey i’ve done a lot of stuff, lets try to work on more, and it became like a pattern. I made it into words i could understand, like objectives or missions on a video game, i just kept doing it one by one. well i’m no angel, and i’m still single, but ya know what? i’m doing just fine now. I still have a lot of stuff to do, but i’m ok with living, and i value life again. ive gotten some big things out of the way, and i want to keep striving on. You can do it too. But you got to know your problems aren’t just going to sort themselves out – you gotta start chipping away at that weight guys. Get that weight off you, you’ll feel better. I can’t promise much to you, but I can promise that. If you make an effort to improve you, and you might have to fake it til you make it, but you will feel better about things once you get going. So get to work! :)

    I say all that because I have typed that a ton of times in emails, and it makes people want to keep talking and corresponding with me, but like… i just don’t have the time is what I’m saying. I can’t do this individually with all of you who may think that i’m kinda cool for being really honest and straight forward, or for trying to be positive and making people feel good. It literally would occupy hours of my time every week, and i just don’t have that time. Its not that i don’t care, i do. but i mean, it’s the internet. there are just too many people. i had to leave some kind of message of support, to let you know “hey, i didn’t give up, i tried really hard to change, and make my life better, and it worked, and is working, and i’m not going to give up, and i know that now, because i like myself and the world enough that i want to see what’s going to happen. i want to know what’s going to become of me, because i’m the author of my story, and after being so low that i just didn’t care about anything enough to even get out bed every day except for to just keep the routine going, i do care now, and i want to see how much i can achieve because i believe in myself, and my world, even though we are both flawed, it can still be fun”. So that is where I am at. I did it. I went into the fight, and i fought. it hurt. but i got to keep fighting. i didn’t just lie down and accept it. limitations are meant to be challenges, not doom you. there are so many things in this world trying to bring you down to doom, don’t doom yourself.

    in closing, please, take my advice. don’t kill yourselves. don’t give up. there’s no good that comes from it. NONE. you might think like i did, that there is no reason to go on. but you don’t know that for sure. you don’t. you might think you are certain, but there is always a chance of something good happening to you that makes you happy. if you off yourself, there is zero chance on anything good happening. at least play the odds. you don’t know what is going to walk into your life tomorrow if you aren’t there. and lastly, please, if you want to talk to me, or about me, or anything like that, it has got to be on here. i will not be emailing anyone else back. i can’t, i have to draw the line somewhere. and it has to be fair. so it has to be no one. i’m sorry for that, but i just don’t have the time. I have work, i have stuff to do, i’m cultivating friendships i mean, it’s just too much. Look, if you are weird about commenting on here, which you shouldn’t be, you can send an email to my now old address that i check hardly ever, and maybe it’ll help you. just don’t expect a response. Good luck to you all in all your different journeys. I hope you find something worthy of your efforts, and a place where you are content.

  12. @Tmac….does it really matter when we die? I mean seriously whats the big deal about WHEN someone dies….today or tomorrow? this year or the next? now or 50 years from now? what experience in life is worth postponing the inevitable? the fact is life sucks…. yes that’s subjective but IMO it just does…. killing myself removes all the shit I hate from existence including myself….so whats so bad about that? aside from the taboo that society has placed on it?

  13. @Tmac…..im an 18 year old good looking guy who was popular in high school and had friends and girlfriends but most of my life ive felt a deep feeling of loneliness and emptiness, no matter what i do or how much i drink or fuck or how many drugs i do the feeling always comes back to haunt me. i broke down and cried in the bathroom today at work, and i really just wanted to die right there. im not the kind of person that could kill there selves but every day i wake up i want to die. im tired of waiting around for death. there has to be more to life than what i feel every day. it feels really good to get this off my chest. i read your comments today and it made me tear up. you are a wonderful soul that is trapped in the same hell that ive come to call home. i dont know you and more than likely will never meet you, but i want you to know you made a difference in my life today. i finally realize that im not alone. i love every one on this site and i want you to know that one day we wont feel this way anymore and we will all be together and happy. THE NIGHT IS DARKEST RIGHT BEFORE THE DAWN. i used to find so much strength in that quote but i realize now that the dawn is death and the darkness is life…….we are just wondering through the dark waiting to see the light. the only way we can make it there with whats left of a semi clean sould is to help each other along the way. if you see some one hurting and you can tell they feel the same as you do, walk up to them and tell them your not alone. those three words could be the difference between LIFE and DEATH……it was for me. thank you @Tmac for your words of encouragement. i hope to see a reply from you someday

  14. No one is alone there are 7 billion people in this planet trust me at least 20% of them are miserable including me… And trust me your life seems so easy compare to the stories I’ve heard please be grateful

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