A Struggle

March 31st, 2013 by Silverstream

Here I am sitting in front of a computer screen, having tears run down my cheeks. I just need to let this all out. I was born abroad and faced tons of bullying when I came to where I am now. Started in 2nd grade and it never ended in elementary or middle school. I never made much friends until Middle School. I was in a clique, were weren’t close; it was simply to gain an advantage over each other for selfish purposes like getting good grades. I saw everyone in a race, in a race of being the best in academics. I was smart, until I skipped a few prerequisite courses. I suddenly felt dumb and the insecurities never left me. But I managed to pass Middle School as a straight A student. Towards the end of the year, pressure started building up and I and a couple of other friends cheated on a State Test. Our scores were disqualified and from there, my world started crumbling. I was suspended from Middle School (one for cheating, and suspended a second time for lending my essay to a friend because he said he would edit it. Instead he copied it). My world, my reputation, my grades, my impression all went downhill. Teachers started making comments about me when I was not on school grounds. Rumors spread. Everyone knew. After my second suspension, I never set a foot on the last week of school. From there I became depressed. I went extremely bipolar, and I never had a purpose to live for. I felt like everything had been taken from me, all the hardwork I put in my assignments, had vanished and nothing mattered because of one damn mistake. High School began, and I never tried as hard as I used to, still ended up with most As but barely passing my first AP exam. I am a sophomore right now, and my worlds crumbling more than ever. My transcript is stained D-s  Cs and Bs. I havent been able to receive a good A in a challenging class. Last term I tried extremely hard and still ended up with the grades I did. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been studying as hard as I did for that one term, and I still failed terribly. The agonizing pressure has been haunting me for 2 years. My friends don’t really care; Grades are the only things that matter to them. No one asks me How am I. I would break down crying while I try to stay calm and strong on the outside. Everyone has discarded me to be dumb. I already aren’t pretty and the brain was the only thing I had to hold onto. Now that I can’t even manage to get straight A’s, I feel like my lifes headed to where I’ve never dreamed before. I just want to give up. I can’t be arsed trying and hardworking anymore.

For the past week, I’ve haven’t been able to sleep, or get a rest. My weights dropping. My period hasnt arrived and its the end of the month. I wanna drop out. I can no longer be in a school where I feel dumb to go to everyday. I tried hard and thats all I can do. I gave it my best shot and got nothing in return. I tell my mum and dad I dont want to even go to school every morning when I wake up. I’ve been falling into patterns of fights and arguments with them. I just wanna give up because nothing I worked for and dreamed about is being fulfilled even with the literal hours of work I do. Most of all, I have more tests and examinations as well as AP exams comming up. I dont know how I ll make it through. I have 4 more weeks and I havent even bought my books yet because I’ve been so focused on trying to get my grades up. I dont know what to do. I cant seem to pick myself back up :’(

 

Sigh..and most of all I can’t stop crying. This all may sound silly to you, but honestly, I had big dreams when I was a little girl. I lost them all. Now my simple dream is to make it through. :(

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5 Responses to “A Struggle”

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  1. And if you tell me that I should quit worrying about my grades and reputation, its the only thing that’ll get me in college. My family has been pressurizing me about college ever since I was abroad. They told me not to simply discard all the opportunies that now lay ahead of me in a new world. I soon realized that this world is equally fucked as the 3rd world country Im from.

  2. To be honest I know lots of people who make it all the way go to college and end up with a shit storm of a life anyway and they wish they never went and that they settled on more important, milestones . Like love or whatever had you. There’s more to live for then grades and colleges, but who am I to judge your ups and downs and how you live. If grades were my most important thing however I would have died long ago school will never have my life.FUCK THE SYSTEM!!

  3. You’re right about it, but honestly, I can’t do anything other than getting my grades at this age. Nothing’ll pay unless I wanna consider prostitution when Im 18. :/ I dont understand why all these societal pressures are getting me. I just wanna get my money, live in really small life in a really small house in the middle of nowhere, and do my own thing. Not worry about the money and how Im gonna be financially stable in life.

  4. Well you could….get a small time
    Job that doesn’t require any education find a low intrest of common ideal or even a roommate or friend and live simple bleak life’s. To be honest all form of living is nothing but a simple nothing requires less money

  5. Lame. If you think your reputation and grades are worth worrying about, wait until after you graduate college and get a job. Your problems haven’t even started yet. It gets worse.

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