It’s happening again ….

March 17th, 2014by meris

Okay so on 3/5/2014, i was admitted into a mental facility and this is my story of being in it (YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ)

Okay so mine was because i had well attempted suicide, my friend called the cops on me after she found out and this crisis lady gave me an option which by the way was stupid. she said if i didn’t talk to her…i would have to be admitted …but truth was, that I was going to have to be admitted anyway because I had attempted suicide and like the only way, i wouldn’t be admitted was if she thought, i was safe enough and with someone who just attempted suicide, that obviously wasn’t going to happen so she threatened with admitting me and so i ended up just kissing the lady’s ass and volunteered. so long story short, i went to the ER … and talked to psychiatrist who also said i should be admitted, and i ended up staying downstairs in the ER for two days because upstairs in the mental facility, it was full so i had to basically wait. downstairs….i was being watched 24/7 ..even at night, they had to come in my room and watch me and i hated it because i couldn’t sleep. The safety attendants that were watching me were really sweet, nicer than the people up stairs. that’s for sure. i had talked to some counselors and stuff, which didn’t do me any good while i was down there and so finally on….Wednesday  i kept my bracelet as a souvenir ^_^ …i went up stairs to my death bed basically. when i first got there, they made me strip to see if i had bruises, cuts, etc. and then they made me put on these scrubs and then my roommate came in. The schedule was basically this

wake up at 8:30 – eat breakfast ,vitals, medication
after that – showers
after showers – Group sessions
after group sessions – school for 2 hours (thank god, i graduated already)
after school – go to the gym
after the gym – rooms/ lunch/nurse changes
after lunch – individual therapy sessions
after that – visitation
after visitation – snacks (which fruit bars and apple juice)
after snacks – long distance/local phone calls
after that – basically go to sleep at 10:00 which they call lights out which was very strict.

My first day was weird because like i didn’t know anyone besides my roommate and so i kind of just hung out with her for the first day and then found out, there was someone from my old high school there and felt more comfortable and ended up meeting more people and hung out with them and i felt happy, i met a girl named Emily there who i personally thought was beautiful and i’ll talk about her later but the facility had ended up making me have an anxiety attacks because of how closed in it was. it was just a small wooden floor (basically a track to walk around to check on the patients) and rooms, a cafeteria and that was it and i was going crazy, i was getting irritable with the nurses and cussing them out when they tried pushing my buttons. i couldn’t write with a pen or pencil unless i was in ‘school’ or supervised and there was a point where i had gotten mad because i was in group session and i had offered a suggestion to one of the nurses holding the sessions and he went ballistic on me, telling me…he doesn’t have time for what i have to say and i told him to kiss my ass and get over it. and this other incident was with this when i was in my doorway writing in my journal and the guy told me to get out of my doorway and i asked him why and he told me not to ask why and i still why and he started yelling at me and then ended up just leaving and i was pissed so then the next day, i yelled at this guy about wanting to leave and got upset and everything but then calmed down a bit but i still hated it there, you know? the one thing, i did love was the psychiatrist there, she was really reassuring about everything and got me to stop crying and everything and was like the perfect therapist but unfortunately can’t be.

ANYWAY she put me on two medications topamax (mood stabilizer) and celexa (Anti-depressant) ….i got out on the 10th, and about the girl Emily, she was beautiful to me and i thought she seemed lovely and she gave me her number which you aren’t allowed to do in the facility, you aren’t allowed to share contact info but she gave me her number and i texted her and she seemed excited to hear from but then stopped talking to me after a couple days of talking to me.In the end, the facility sucked because it was just enclosed, no sunlight, just very tight and cramped and the food obviously sucked and i ended up actually not pooping for a whole 6 days. so …yeah hahaha, my therapy starts on the 14th of April which is stupid because my 18th birthday is on the 24th of April so then i’m just going to stop going legally. i don’t do therapy. the medication isn’t doing anything besides getting rid of my headaches more. if anything, i feel 10x worse? My main problem is i just don’t feel i do anything right…so yeah my experience is over ..god,

now after all that, i came home and everything was okay, my dad was nice and everything but i wasn’t happy…it wasn’t because of anything really, i just wasn’t happy…i wanted to go back in my bed like always and just sleep but then i had gotten into the way of thinking, i do nothing right then i had gotten into a fight with this, i loved and i had upset her and now she wont talk to me…and now i’m wanting to kill myself and having thoughts of it and having plans about it and my dad thinks i’m getting better but i’m not, i’m getting worse…..it’s happening again…

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