I was in a relationship for 15 years where he belittled me on a daily basis. It wasn’t until the divorce and 2 children later that I was told I suffer from battered woman’s syndrome. I was always too fat, never good enough in bed, mean, moody, didn’t clean enough, not a good cook, not a good mom, didn’t take my schooling far enough to be able to give him all the material things he wanted, etc. Finally after a year of being divorced, I tried online dating. I met several people, none of which caught my attention. Then I met one that was not at all the type I would have dated, because of looks. After about a week I decided he was sweet and wanted to see where it went . I fell in love with this man hard. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before. He told me things no one ever had, things that made me feel good about myself. Needless to say, he was a lying cheating manipulator and when he left he crushed my heart. I wanted to die. I tried. I got help by getting on meds. To this day, I stay with this man in basically my mind and physically when I can because I don’t think I can live life without him. I know he’s with other people and we are basically friends with benefits and have been now for about 2 years. I love him and I can’t move on. He sometimes tells me he loves me and says I’m always there for him. Which I am. I would do anything for him. But recently he told me he wants to start dating someone. I know that he won’t be faithful to them because he doesn’t know how to be. I’ve tried to find other people to date but I’m to the point where I believe relationships and marriages are a bunch of shit. I obviously gravitate toward this kind of person. I want better but my heart only wants him. My friends don’t talk to me anymore after I tried to kill myself. I love him and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to let him go because I don’t think I can. I just want him to want me.
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You remind me of a Billie Holiday song I love so much, “I’m a Fool to Want You.” She knew all about heartbreak. I feel for you so much. A couple of months ago my husband kicked me out of the house (it was his before we married, and I didn’t want to go to court). Since then I’ve been struggling to cope with his proving to me that I’m not loveable. The fact that you can love someone so much shows what a big heart you have. I hope you won’t be offended if I say that this man is not worth one of your fingernail clippings. Sounds to me like a mismatch in terms of character, like pairing a dove (you) with a toad (him). I understand if you don’t agree with me. 🙂 Anyway I send good thoughts and empathy your way.
Maybe we are paired badly. But how do I convince myself that I deserve more and not be so self destructive in the meantime?
So what do I do when I can’t let him go? It makes it where I can’t function in life. I’m so messed up in my head. Yes I hear the crazy shit that comes out of my mouth…but it’s true. Can I overcome it and how?
I don’t know. I struggle with it too. Sometimes this is the way I think of it: I can feel my feelings without obeying them. It’s an act of will, I think: painful, difficult work. I do believe that we women connect with people that are good for us only when we refuse to accept anything less. It’s also hard because we women generally are used to being valued and valuing ourselves based on our appearance, so I feel you there. Another thing: are you dissatisfied overall with your meds? If you’re not happy with them could you discuss alternatives with your doctor?
Found it. I think it’s quite hard to fight what you really feel. Sometimes, we just love who we love. But if from the get-go you know that he’s not really able to be faithful to you and that he’s bad news, then I think you’d have to think of the risk of continuing. Letting go is difficult, but I think you just have to try and meet a better person, that you deserve. I believe that if you find that person, you’ll then find it easier to move on from this destructive relationship.
The problem is I’m overweight, a lot from the crazy pills they have me on since my suicide attempt. I also have a disfiguring skin disease that makes my legs look like those of burn victims. So needless to say I’m unattractive… Why would anyone want that?
You have attracted someone, it’s just that that someone doesn’t seem to be good for you. If you attracted someone before, then that means you’ve got something going for you, I know it’s not easy to be confident but I feel that you don’t have to settle for someone like him. Before I met my boyfriend, I had this guy who said he liked me and we went out but he was telling other girls he liked them and wooing them in front of me, I tolerated that but my sis did not like it. I couldn’t see what was wrong with that, I thought that I couldn’t have anyone else so I stuck with him for a bit but my sis told me he was no good and though it was hard that time I ended my relationship with him and I’m glad I did. I mean, who knows who can come along? I just know that a caring, loving, hardworking person like you deserves so much better.
I’m sorry if I’m not much help. I’m here. Just leave a reply if you want to talk. Thanks again. 🙂