My life is in chaos right now. I’m moving to a different state on Wednesday. I’m gonna be couch surfing with a guy who will let me stay in exchange for me being a chauffeur. I put an ad out on Craig’s List saying I needed a place to crash and I’d do chores and cook in trade. I’ve gotten so many responses of basically “sleep with me and you can stay as long as you like”.
I hate people. I’m not a whore. If I were, I would certainly go for a sugar daddy type instead of someone who will let me sleep on their couch in exchange for access to my body. My body is worth more than a couch!
I’m broke and gonna be crashing on a strange guys couch in exchange for transportation. He seems nice and he’s very talkative. We hung out and talked for like 6 hours last night. And we both agreed last night that it seems like a good fit to have me stay there, and he was talking about helping me get a job. But then he texted me today and said “how do I know I can trust you? How do I know you’re not gonna meet a guy and bail on this arrangement and screw me over?” Etc etc. And repeatedly saying that I’m pretty and that guys will be all over me, etc etc.
(For those that haven’t read my other posts/comments, I’m widowed, for less than a year, and in no way in hell am I gonna start even casually dating anytime soon.)
After I reassured him repeatedly that I won’t screw him over, and I’m a good person, just down on my luck due to the tragic and untimely death of my husband, he starts talking about how pretty my eyes are, and how my body language and eye contact while we were chatting last night made him feel like I wanted to kiss him, etc. He asked if I was a good kisser. He knows I’m not interested in ANY guy, as I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m still in love with my late husband and I’m not ready to move on.
I think I finally got him to agree to a move in date and time, but he’s been so on/off about things I’m afraid that I’m gonna make the 5 hour drive, with 2 cats in my car, and find out that he’s had second thoughts about the arrangement.
The only person I could talk to about it is my mom, but if I tell her that he’s acting strangely like this, she’ll pull out the “mommy red flags” and make me feel even more uncomfortable about this situation. Unfortunately, I’m facing homelessness, and he’s the only person who hasn’t blatantly said that sex is one of the requirements of the arrangement.
I’ve been constantly thinking about ending it all. After my husband passed, I wanted to die right then and there. I did what needed to be done, and took care of all the arrangements, and pretended to put my life back together slowly, but I always had the plan, not just idea, I had the plan to end my life. I didn’t want to be alive to see the summer. I did, obviously. I didn’t want to be alive for my first birthday without him (it was 2 weeks ago today, and I tried to kill myself a few days before and spent my birthday on 72 hour observation). I CAN’T face HIS birthday without him, and even worse, his DEATH day, which is 3 days after his birthday. I can’t and WON’T do it.
I have to be with him, but I have to make sure that my cats have a home, and if they are where I’m hoping to move on Wednesday, they’ll be near my mom, and it’ll be easier on her to either take care of them, or to find them a good home after I’m gone.
My husbands birthday and deathday are in the beginning of November, which doesn’t leave much time to get my affairs in order. But even so, EVERY day I want to kill myself and have to remind myself that I can’t yet, for a few different reasons.
1) My cats need to be taken care of, and ideally, closer to my mom
2) My brother is incarcerated at the moment and will be released at the end of the month. I can’t leave my mom alone without even him to comfort her. So I must wait.
3) My moms birthday is at the end of October, so I only have until like the 10th to carry out my plan. I know that this year her birthday will suck because of me, and next year too. But I want my death day far enough away from her birthday so that in the years to come it’s not such a black cloud.
I want to try the exit bag, but I’ve heard that it can be hit or miss whether it’ll work or not. My next, and pretty much fail-safe idea is hanging myself from under a bridge. Jumping and having enough rope to break my neck. But I’m not sure I can muster the courage to jump.
I’ve been looking for someone to help me, to just choke me out and then keep their tight grip for a few minutes until I’m gone. Guaranteed success if someone is watching over you, making sure you pass on. That’s what I want. I almost had someone, but they got uncomfortable with the idea. At first it was like a fantasy to him, intriguing, and then I guess when he realized that I actually want to DIE, he chickened out.
Now I’m looking again, for someone to kill me. It’s a mercy. I want to die. And I feel it would be very poetic and fitting to die in the same manner as my husband: asphyxiation. Unfortunately this manner is difficult to do on your own. The body’s survival instincts put the brain into panic mode and either prevents you from being able accomplish even passing out, or will free you even in an unconscious state.
I tried. I panicked. And I hated it. I don’t want to die in a panic. Someone in a choke hold can pass out in less than 10 seconds. Easy, mostly panic free. Trying to asphyxiate myself, I could last upwards of 5-10 minutes in high panic mode.
The key to success is sturdy bags, good duct tape and binding your hands either behind your back, to your sides or strapping yourself to a bed or pole. But then you’ll have a high chance of death, but agonizing panic as the body struggles for life, but you’ve disabled it’s ability to save itself. While the end result is definitely what I want, the panic is less desirable.
I believe in ghosts and spirits, and I believe that if someone dies in a horrible manner (like uber panic mode), that that can trigger their soul to be trapped in between realms. I don’t want to become a ghost, trapped in my agonized death state forever. I just want to see my husband again, or at least get out of this horrible existence that he’s left me to.
I just want someone to strangle me.
41 comments
Curious — do you not have access to guns or do they produce the same level of fear? I tried to kill myself with a handgun before but I found that I didn’t have the psychological self-discipline to go through with it yet. Working on fixing that (and simultaneously working on possibly fixing my life so I don’t have to kill myself).
No access to guns. I’m not allowed to purchase one for 5 years due to my suicide attempt, and nobody I know has a gun. Otherwise I would just shoot my heart to bits.
If you are unable to clear a background check, then you can try moving to a state that does not conduct background checks for gun sales at gun shows (or for any kind of private gun sale). It’s the gun show loophole.
http://www.governing.com/gov-data/safety-justice/gun-show-firearms-bankground-checks-state-laws-map.html
If you are unable to clear a background check, then you can try moving to a state that does not conduct background checks for gun sales at gun shows (or for any kind of private gun sale). It’s the gun show loophole.
By the way, it goes without saying that I don’t encourage suicide for anyone and that I hope that things turn around for you so that you don’t have to kill yourself. I came very close, but I can’t yet. I’m decided to stick it out a few years and give life one last full-effort try.
For me, the key to remaining sane is knowing that I have the reliable means.
Dude… you’re not helping. Don’t tell a suicidal person how to get around background checks to get a gun. The disclaimer that you don’t condone suicide doesn’t absolve you of culpability. I know you mean no harm, but really… she needs help figuring out how to fix her life, not end it.
“she needs help figuring out how to fix her life, not end it.”
From her posts here, EK seems like a lovely person and it’s sad to think of her not being with us, but she should have as much information as possible about how to continue AND end her life, should she choose that.
45caliber – I know what you mean about that security keeping you sane. I don’t know that I really want to pull the plug, but when things are really dark, the open exchange of information about methods and odds of success is a relief to me. It makes me feel like I don’t need to be in a rush; the knowledge and the means are available and I can choose that option when and if I need to.
I hear what you’re saying, lost, but on the other hand I’m coming at this from a different perspective from most of the rest of you. I’m not suicidal. But I have been dealing with the reality of living with someone for the last four years who has suffered from suicidal ideation for most of her life.
Believe me, I’m not one of those hard-core “You should never end your life no matter what,” kind of people, but I’m also loath to tell otherwise young and healthy people that are suffering from psychological trauma that it’s ok to kill themselves. It’s more something that I would condone for the very old, very sick, or both. I’ve had my own battles with depression, and I’ve been in a very dark place myself before, but I’m also aware that no matter how bad things seem, psychological trauma is *usually* temporary, fixable, or treatable. Even when it’s caused by mourning over the death of a loved one. No matter how much I feel badly for EvilKitten’s loss, I cannot in good conscience recommend suicide as a way out.
I think of suicide as a personal choice. There are many topics on this site about how to use a gun or the exit bag. But I can understand if this offends.
EK has moderation powers over her own topics. She can, at any time, delete my comments. This site doesn’t seem to let me delete my own comments even in cases where I want to.
What is an exit bag?
“exit bag” is synonymous with “helium hood” … a bag or hood used in conjunction with inert gas (helium/******** e.g.). I can’t go into more detail without violating the site rules however a search for “helium hood” should find you a large amount of info on the topic.
gas dawg
I wasn’t so much “offended” as I was alarmed, 45caliberdeath. One of my issues with this website is it seems counter-productive to have a bunch of suicidal people giving each other permission and encouragement to end their lives. I know it’s supposed to act like a support group, but from my personal observations it often functions more as a way to enable suicidal tendencies.
And I don’t lay blame on anyone here for that, because I realize that nearly every person here is not in a good place mentally, but on the other hand it almost seems unavoidable that people will break the “no partners, no methods” rule. And telling someone how to get around background checks comes perilously close to providing a method. Again, I don’t think you did it maliciously or even intentionally, so don’t think I’m trying to come down hard on you or anything.
“it seems counter-productive to have a bunch of suicidal people giving each other permission and encouragement”
I don’t see encouragement here, though. Just acknowledgement of EK’s desire, and information on how to achieve that should she wish to go through with it. It’s not much different from the birth control debate, wherein people think that instead of teaching kids how to use condoms, we should instead discourage them from sex altogether. If that actually *worked*, we’d be in a whole different situation, but that’s not the world we live in. Kids can and do have sex, and they need to know how to keep themselves from getting pregnant and spreading disease. And by the same token, people can and will make suicide attempts — they should know what’s likely to work, and what’s likely to leave them alive, but permanently damaged and desperately wishing they’d succeeded.
As for permission, I don’t think any otherwise-capable adult needs permission to greet death on their own terms. I used to reserve that thinking for the terminally ill and chronically afflicted, but in recent years I’ve come to realize that there really is no justification for saying one is ok, but not the other. Why should chronic emotional pain be considered less damaging than chronic illness? Why should someone with debilitating, treatment-resistant depression be denied the same relief we would offer the terminally ill?
To say that one is OK but not the other is just special pleading.
I like your comments, Frank Einstein, and I can appreciate where you’re coming from. I guess we’ll have to agree to differ on this particular point.
First, don’t trust the ‘couch for driver’ guy. He wants a whore on his couch. Have you ever waited tables? It can pay the bills. I know about the ‘not breathing’ deal. You fight for breath no matter how much you want to die. Been there. I hope you can find your own power to take care of yourself. Even, or especially, churches want your soul for the help they give you. But they would be better than being raped on a couch.
You don’t get it, I got turned down from walmart…. Nobody will hire me due to lack of experience. But there are jobs where I’m moving, and some hire right on the spot, unlike where I live currently..
And I’m not worried about being raped. The guy is only a few inches taller than me and I’m an Irish fireball when I need to be. He’d end up in the hospital if he ever tried to touch me inappropriately. I just don’t want to get there and then be homeless with my cats with me. I’ve had so many things fall apart at the last minute, and I just can’t afford it anymore, monetarily or emotionally.
Depending on how old you are, if you are under 26 there is a program called Job Corps. They will pay for your schooling and you can live on campus ect. There is some structure like a curfew ect but not that much. Due to your mental health issues, you could also get other assistance, from various sources.
My state has another government program called Career Link, I am not sure if your state does, but I think it’s national but each is funded by the State. There are many assistance programs out there both state and federal for people in our situations, and yours especially.
Welfare in my state will even pay up to $400 on a down payment for a place to rent. Your state it may be higher. I wouldn’t put yourself in a situation where you are dependent upon a complete stranger. You are setting yourself up to be hurt and/or homeless in another state. There is even a program called OVR where they will help you with schooling and even help buy your books/tools ect.
Can you live with your mom temporarily and get signed up for the assistance programs? It seems better than the alternative. Get on assistance get your school paid for and work a part time job, I’m sure Mcdonalds or some entry level place would hire you. Call up temp agencies as well in your area.
DC001, the problem is that I have pets, so none of those “assistance housing” places would take me. And I’m too old for Job Corps. I would stay with my mom, but she’s renting a tiny room from someone and has no space for me and my cats wouldn’t be allowed.
And there aren’t that many organizations out there to help people in my situation. I’m not disabled. They don’t see anything wrong with me, or any reason I’d have difficulty finding work. They don’t even consider that employers are unlikely to hire someone who hasn’t worked in 8 years.
You’re making the only decision open to you unfortunately, it would be better to stay where you are and continue to look for a job but that doesn’t seem an option. It’s hard to trust a complete stranger, glad you say you can take care of yourself if he does try it on but just be careful, at least your mum and others will know where you are. He would be a complete bast**d if he agreed and then turned you away. Remember, it’s just until you get yourself back on your feet, and getting a job will then give you back your independence, hope it works out
In addition, I’ve been thinking about this and it’s such a risk you’re taking, perhaps too great, there must be an alternative, it’s all about getting a job; have you exhausted all possibilities where you are. It’s just worrying about you being there asleep with him around, he might be ok but who knows; is there any other way of getting a place in the area you want to go without having to rely on some guy in this way.
Nias, unfortunately, no. My mom was looking for work down here for 7 months and nothing. She moved up to where I’m moving and she got a job within 3 weeks. And where I’m living now costs $750 a month, and I’m beyond broke.
I’m seriously facing putting my trust in a stranger, or living out of my car with my 2 cats. If I have to beat the crap out of him, THEN live in my car, so be it. But who knows, he could just be a bit socially awkward and not actually malicious.
As far as sleeping when he’s home, I fully intend to sleep while he’s at work. I’ll have to be dropping him off and picking him up, so I’ll just go back home and crash for a while. Mostly I just needed to get my feelings about this whole thing out into the universe. I appreciate all the feedback and that you show concern for my well-being.
Getting assaulted would be horrible, but if it happens, I’ll land his ass in jail, or a coffin. That would be one less sexual offender in the world. d(^_^)
bANNE HIM
One more thing. Cats have saved my life more than once, because I love them so much that I couldn’t leave them un cared for. Cats are awesome beings.
I might be way out of line. If so I apologize but for days now whenever I see your name I wonder to myself…what would your husband have wanted you to do?
Not out of line at all. We talked about death at great length. We both have/had pretty serious medical issues, so we were no strangers to the possibility of one of us passing at a youngish age. I thought youngish was 40-50, not 29 though… lol.
He’d want me to be happy. But I told him I’d follow him into hell if I had to. And he said the same about me. It’s almost my obligation to go after him.
If we had been an “emo” couple, we woulda been one of the ones that make a suicide pact and die together. We were happy though, just no strangers to death, unfortunately.
The problem with your arrangement is this guy is going to want something eventually. Most people who don’t have unsavory ideas wouldn’t even consider such an option. I have a real fear that this guy is going to eventually want you to give him that something even if he is not saying it now. I’m sorry for your loss, it sounds like you guys really loved each other.
I’d just hate to see someone in a bad position get taken advantage of. There are countless stories of guys taking advantage of desperate women. Can you not get a job as a burger flipper somewhere? You sound like a decent person I have a hard time thinking some fast food place wouldn’t hire you. Also welfare will help pay for a down payment. You have no job you are a women and you are homeless, you qualify for stuff trust me. As a cat lover myself I understand how precious your feline friends can be. I’m just worried you are setting yourself up to be victimized, and I hate seeing people take advantage or hurt people.
DC001, I understand where you’re coming from and what you’re saying. He is getting something out of it. He gets a ride to work. Where he works there is no transit that goes out there, and it’s true, because my mom worked in the same area. He doesn’t have a car, and without someone to give him rides, he would lose his job.
And no, there are no services here for me. The best I could do is file for bankruptcy and that would mean having to “liquidate” my car. Where I live they don’t help you until you’re WAY beyond fucked up.
2 months after my husband passed I was homeless and broke waiting for the life insurance to pay out. I tried to get assistance then, but they said I wasn’t qualified for ANYTHING because I was considered a single woman. If I had kids, I’d be better off. It’s the sad truth of it.
I’m sorry you lost him. Hugs. 🙁
Thank you. You’re sweet.
I live in phoenix. I am a 33 year old woman. I wish the same thing. My email is 1jkhutch602@gmail.com.
My feeling is things are going to get awkward in a hurry with this couch guy. Even if he’s not outright attempting to rape you, he will passive aggressively make your life harder because you’re not giving him sex. Aren’t there some family or friends that can watch the cats? Then you can make your own way. I have a pet so I know how hard it is, but I still have a roof over your head. You’re going to need to look out for your own survival over that of your furry friends.
Possibly, but I can take care of myself. And if it gets really bad I’ll have enough to stay in a motel for a few nights until I figure out a different arrangement. And no, I don’t have anyone who can take care of my cats. My only friend in this area, her brother is allergic, my mom can’t have cats, and my brother is in jail, and was homeless before that.
My dad could help, but he’s an asshole and won’t.
My cats are my children, no matter how hard shit gets for me, I’m not about to give them up. I’ve had my little girl for 14 years. And my boy, my husband and I raised together.
It’s just one of those situations where I’ll have to go up there and see how it goes. Hopefully it won’t fall apart until I’ve gotten a job. *shrug*
Hi EvilKitten. What city are you in?
Wine country, California. Moving to Nevada.
EvilKitten, definitely do NOT go stay with this guy from Craigslist. He sounds like he’s looking for an escort more than a chauffeur. Look… I might – MIGHT -possibly have a short term arrangement for you and your kitties, but I would have to talk to you first. My girlfriend has been following your story, and she’s a big softie. That’s how I’m even aware of your situation, because I’m not an SP regular. So, before you do anything rash like run off to shack up with the Craigslist Creep and end up chloroformed and tied up in his closet, get in touch with me first:
mr.albertsinatra@yahoo.com
And again, I’m not promising anything, and the situation would have to be short term, but you would also be a lot safer, and your situation is extremely concerning so we’re seriously considering helping you out. Write to my email when you see this post, and I’ll give you my contact info.
I can understand having thoughts about someone taking your life – I have that same feeling too. It would give me a chance to leave the world without leaving behind any of the guilt or emotional baggage with relatives, such as was there something we could have done.
Exactly, oldnewsman. They know I want to die, because I had a failed attempt 3 weeks ago. But it would still be better for them if it seemed “accidental” or “murder”.
HI Evilkitten- In my opinion(especially you said you had turned down the guys that wanted to exchange sex for a place to stay) I think this guy is hoping for sex as well. Who really needs someone to clean after them really every day? People that would hire a housekeeper would have them come once a week.. not every day. He has already started with trying to say you wanted to kiss him. He’s a creep without genuine intentions. It might turn into a bad situ fairly quickly and you would be in another state with 2 cats. I’m sorry you are through this- it’s tough. I suppose staying with your mother is out of the question?
Unfortunately, yes, I can’t stay with my mom as she is renting a tiny room in someone’s house right now and there isn’t even enough floor space for me to sleep on, and they wouldn’t allow my cats.
If I could stay with my mom, I would be there already, haha.
In everything we do in life, we take a risk. Some things are riskier, but I think this is probably as risky as meeting someone at a bar for a blind date. And it’s already been established that I’m not interested in ANYONE, romantically or physically. I certainly don’t like the idea of putting myself in potentially harmful situation, but it’s actually safer than living out of my car.
I understand, and I hope it works out. You sound like someone that wouldn’t take any nonsense. I’m sorry you are going through this on top of what you are going through already. Life is so so hard. I wish you well.
Thanks so much. (^_^)
>^_^<