I don’t want to be here anymore..

This is my first post to this site and I’m a little apprehensive. My soon to be fiancé and I broke up yesterday. I’ve been crying ever since. She and I met online. She was going to be the last person I talked to before I ended my lifei . SHe and her boyfriend had broken up and I wanted to make sure she was okay and make one last person happy before I ended my life. We started dating and I was planning on proposing. It all came to a stop yesterday. I’ve got bad PTSD as I am a volunteer law enforcement officer. I have bad separation anxiety and other issues like that which have resulted in me being very controlling. Anyways last night I wrote 2 suicide notes. I tore them both up. I wanted to kill myself more than anything. There was nothing else left for me. I didn’t have anyone or anything worth staying alive for. I ultimately decided to sleep and see if I felt better this morning. I did. For a minute. I cried more and more this morning. I don’t want to be here. I want this all to end. But I can’t hurt my family or friends like that. They’re not close enough that I can talk to them, but they’re close enough that they would be torn apart over my death. I feel guilty. For wanting to die. For thinking less of myself for wanting to do this. I hate myself. I have since I was 5 or 6. Death and suicide was always on my mind. The reason I still haven’t killed myself, I’ve made it 24 hours and life hasn’t gotten worse. Not that it could but it’s progress. I love myself. But I hate who I am. I don’t know if that makes sense. I want this all to end. But I can’t do it. I want to so badly but I can’t. My heart and brain are fighting to see who wins. I love everyone around me. I just wish they loved me as much. I hope this wasn’t too much or too little. Thank you for making this available.