So it happened again tonight….

Will it ever end? Will it ever stop? I have so many questions and no answers for any of them. I have no idea what anyone else reality is but i can tell you for sure that mine is shit. I have absolutely nothing to stand on, no foundation or stable ground that I can always rely upon for safety or otherwise. Does anyone know what i am talking about?
I seem to chase away everyone that I love because I am so tired of hurting them all of the time. Every emotion that I have comes across as angry, even when I am hurt or sad. Nothing that I say makes sense to anyone because they all have to try to decifer what I mean but at the same time I have no idea how to put things simply.
I am told that I make everything more complicated than it has to be. I don’t see this myself but looking at things logically, if the majority of people have the same opinion then it is usually so. I look at things from every perspective and always try to see the other points of view but then it usually takes me some time to analize it all and then it becomes frustrating to others or again it’s all too complicated.
I try to keep to myself and not bother everyone but when I HEAR the things that I do, I cant ignore them. That would be the same as me telling you that you are not reading this and there is no computer screen right in front of you. And then telling you that NO ONE can see what you are seeing and that it in fact does not exsist. How easy would that be for you to to accept?
I live in fear of loosing the few precious things that I have left as it seems that I have already lost the most important “things” already. I have only one person that is here for me and that is honestly, truly not fair to him. He takes the brunt of every blow and I dont even mean to swing. It just happens and the next thing I know Im looking back over the last few hours or days and none of it makes any sense….. again.
I have tried to get help so many times. (Since I have realized what this problem actually consists of.) however out of 4 appointments made with 2 different doctors, I haven’t made it to one appointment for one reason or another. The most major problem is that I don’t want to go alone and he makes it almost impossible to take him with me. He has promised me this time that he will be sure to go and make sure that I get there (since i no longer have a running car) but the main problem with that is that the appointments arent until 3/5 and 3/18. After what happened tonight, I have asked him to call the clinic for me tomorrow and let them know what is going on and that I need to get in STAT. He said that he would and so for tonight I hang onto that hope. And the hope that somehow, they will have an answer for me and the right meds and treatment that I need. I suppose the hardest thing about this whole thing is the fact that not only can I not tell people what is going on in my life and why things are so fucked up, but even if I did, most would not understand or even give a shit. Everyone has problems and why should mine be any concern of thiers? Really, like they don’t have enough on thier own plates. But then I wonder, why can’t they just leave me alone and let me figure my own out as well?
I feel like some dumb teenager asking the world, “Why don’t you just understand me and do everything I need you to do?” yeah , like thats gonna happen.
So I guess for now it’s see you later. I hope that some of you may be able to realate and even possibly help me out with some of the questions that i have. I’ll keep you posted (if you care or are interested) and let you know what tomorrow brings.