I have had reoccurring depression for half my life, and I am 22. When I was a teenager, I would tell my parents that I was going to kill myself, and this of course would freak them out and I got counseling, then got on medication. The years that followed had me going in a cycle of depression that would turn on and off over and over and over again, with each spout of depression last weeks, and my ‘good’ moods lasting days.
While I was feeling good, I’d say to myself, “What was I thinking? I can’t commit suicide!” But then only a few days later I would be back to my pathetic self-pity mood of wanting to kill myself, and not doing it. The last time I was depressed a couple weeks ago, I got my mother’s gun out of her dresser and went to my backyard so my mess wouldn’t be inside. I put one bullet in the gun, cocked back the hammer, and pointed it up inside my mouth to my brain. All I had to do was put just a tiny bit of pressure on the trigger and I would have been all over. Instead, I *****’d out and put the gun away exactly where I found it.
I’m glad I didn’t do it then, because I was using a full metal jacket round, one that doesn’t have much more than a 75% mortality rate for suicide. So today I am going to get a bullet with more impact, so my mortality rate goes up towards 90%, or so I’ve read. This time I’m going to pull out a tarp from my parent’s garage and wrap it around myself before I pull the trigger, because I’m going to kill myself in my parent’s room. Don’t want any brains on the carpet!
Call me sick or twisted, but before I kill myself, I’m going to call my ex-girlfriend (who wants to just be my ‘friend’) and ask her if she loves me. She’ll give me a curved answer and probably dodge the question by only saying why she feels the way she feels. Then I’ll say, “Good, I just wanted to make sure I had no reason to live for before I pull the trigger into my brain.” I want to hear her worry before I die, because I miss her caring about me so much…
Anyways, why am I committing suicide? It’s quite simple really. Of course there’s the usual stresses of school and work that is really pounding my to an emotional pulp, and of course there’s major social issues I’m going through, and of course there’s an ex-girlfriend in the picture I still love and wish was with me. It’s the classic ‘woe is me’ tale. However, in my severe depression, I have finally figured out the ultimate answer to why I should kill myself.
The reason I am killing myself, is because I am a constant source of pain and suffering from those that care/”care” about me, especially to my family. Everyday that we go outside, we meet new people, and possibly our sphere of influence is increased. My siblings are having kids that are growing up fast, and some of them are old enough to know me and realize what I will have done to myself, but I the sooner I do it the better. This is what I mean; ONE DAY I WILL KILL MYSELF. This is a fact. If I kill myself sooner, the number of people that will be affected and feel/”feel” bad about it will be smaller, than if I killed myself when I have gotten married, had kids, and met a ton of new people from school and work. The only thing that would be selfish would be to NOT kill myself now so that I don’t widow my future wife and orphan my kids that would be dependent on me.
One day, my suicidal thoughts will catch up to me, and I choose to stop running from them today so that I don’t cause more harm later.
Some may ask, why not just live?! The answer to that is also simple, would you rather pull a bandage off all at once or slowly? You see, my life is a living train wreck in slow motion. One thing happens, and then another and another and another. My parents, my siblings, and friends will be sorry for me, because I will be a failure in every way.
Let’s say I don’t kill myself ever, what would come of me? Sure, I’d probably get married one day and have kids, but I won’t make it financially. I have never finished a job or was able to stick to a project long enough to get it done, unless I am severely pressured and micromanaged to do it. I steal from my parent’s retirement to go to school for $10,000 a year just to get F’s and drop out one day. I can’t do that to them. I won’t get a stable career and take care of my family, and I won’t be a good christian man like my family thinks I am… in fact, I am not ‘good’ right now… my church has taken away privileges from me because of my actions with my now ex-girlfriend. So in summary, pulling off the bandage slowly is like living out my life and causing emotional harm to everyone I care about because I’m a failure for my whole life, while pulling off the bandage all at once is like killing myself because they will feel sorry really bad for a while, but in the long run won’t be hurt that bad. My parents won’t have to pay the rest of the $30,000 for school (the funeral will cost a bit of money, but will save long term), my future wife won’t have to go through hell, and her kids will have a worthy father that won’t leave them.
Is there any error’s in my logic? Please point them out so I can clarify my reasoning. Tonight I will pull the trigger so there is time to try and “Save me”… but I’ll appreciate any attempt…
19 comments
You couldn’t get yourself to do it before. Maybe you still have things you still need/want to do left.
Try and forget about your Ex, even if it’s hard. You will find someone else, maybe even someone better, that would care about you and be with you.
Family trouble..
The most annoying thing, and hard to deal with. Most of the time they act like they care in the weirdest ways, but they hardly ever understand or support in a proper way.
I don’t know your family so it’s hard to tell, but i’m sure they do care about you, in their own way, even if it doesn’t seem so.
How do you know you’ll still feel the same if you have a wife and kids?
Maybe she will be caring enough and understanding enough to make you want to stick around and stay with her.
Selfish.. Influence on others..
You shouldn’t really care about these right now. You should care about yourself, why you’re feeling this way, and what you want to do and what you want to change.
Your suicidal thoughts don’t have to catch up to you, they could be figured out, understood, and worked on in order to be solved, if you take the time to.
I am a failure in every way myself, so i’m probably not one to talk, but still.
You don’t HAVE to get married and have kids, if you don’t want to. But you could.
School – even though it’s a main thing to get done in order to start a career, it’s not the only way out there.
I can’t say for sure if it’s an error in logic, because everything depends on the perspective, but you don’t see the whole picture, i guess i could at least say that.
It can go one way, but it can also go another.
I always figured if there was a time when someone tried to kill themselves, but not actually do it, isn’t because they’re whimps or anything like that. I always thought it was the minds way of telling them that your future life awaits and if you pulled the trigger and ended your life, you’d never get to see yourself succeed or anything. I found this website while trying to find the proper way to overdose on several meds..i’ve tried attempting suicide since I was 11. What’s always held me back was my youngest sister.
I think you’d better off alive. I over think a lot about your future. Perhaps you should wait out the days before you decide to do anything drastic. I really hope you see this before you try to do anything..if you change your mind and decide to stay alive, you should message me or something. I’m not completely sure how this website works. But nonetheless, I think things would go a lot different for you if you just wait it out. I hope this makes sense to you because I’m pretty sure I mixed this up a bunch.
*You over think a lot
I mixed up the words.
Thanks for the response. Here’s what it comes down to, I do think I could have a future, but I lack the most important thing anyone needs to live, and that’s motivation. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, like homework, hang out with friends, even press the button to start playing a video game. Some may say this is clinical depression, but this is different and much more fundamental than that. I have lost the will to live. I haven’t left the seat of my computer desk since I started to write that post… that is how lazy I am. I can barely feed myself. I feel almost to lazy to go get the gun from the drawer, but I know because of social pressures that I have to do ‘something’. If only I could just disappear by willing it, like as if I never existed, but nothing is ever that easy.
I’m in this to the end unfortunately. My parents are on vacation for the week, and they will be out of the country without internet so they can find out what happened to me days after I die. I have a cat that will need to be taken care of between the time of my death and my parent’s return, so that is part of the reason why I am calling my ex-girlfriend, she really loves my cat… more than me for sure. After the police clean up the scene she will take care of my cat.
I’m going to have a last meal, any good ideas?
Motivation is annoying to get but.. After you just go for it and press the “start” button, you begin the game you might get caught up in it.
Maybe it’ll be that way with the other things too.
Screw social pressure. You can do things at your own pace.
If you feel like being lazy for a while, just let it be for now.
Are you really sure you want to end this here?
Completely sure that’s what you want to do?
absolutely.
There is nothing left here for you that still want to do?
Nothing at all you always wanted and never got around to?
I’m sorry that i find it hard to believe, but i really think that if you think about it you’ll find something.
I dropped out of highschool when I was 14. 14 man. I haven’t gone back to school yet and i’m 16 going on 17. I have schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder, and pretty bad anxiety. Lack of motivation is the biggest thing in my life. I may be a teenager, but i understand the lack of motivation, it’s horrible. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be different. No one said it has to be like that forever. Some times you just need a bit of a push, and perhaps that’s all you need right now. Are you honestly sure taking your life will be the best option for you?
You shouldn’t do it because you are far too young to have seen what life is all about. It’s true that you may end up hurting fewer people by waiting; but I really think you haven’t given life a chance yet at the age of 22. You may choose to not get married or have kids. You can try all sorts of medication to see if anything works. The right medication can really work wonders. I know most people on this site have tried lots of different medications and have given up but I think at 22 you probably haven’t tried them all. There are some that work amazingly well for motivation. You might then find that education and career are actually a breeze. Address the problem: motivation.
It’s surprising how life actually turns out from how you planned it to be. For most depressed people it ends up being much better than they imagined. Also the world really is much wider than you think it is. I thought I knew it all at 22. At least wait until you’re 40. That’s when your health goes downhill and you’ve probably reached the pinnacle of your career. You’ll have until then to decide whether or not to have kids. Most couples are having kids much later these days.
Since you asked and it’s partly a fantasy of mine to think about it…If I were to eat a final meal then I would be torn between a really bad fast food meal such as McDonalds where I would have chocolate milk shakes and plenty of burgers and fries. Or you could go with something like steak and mashed potatoes. Just don’t forget to have dessert in either case.
So a quick update… I just went to bass pro shops and picked up my hollow point rounds for my .38 special… $26 bucks, but its not like money matters where I’m going. On the same trip I went to my 2 favorite fast food restaurants, taco bell and arby’s. Got my favorite things and will be snacking on them throughout the day. It was pretty rainy today to, I was wondering if I could just run off the raised offramp to my death, but I don’t want there to be any false hope that my suicide was an accident. I’m going to do this in 6-7 hours from now while I am calling my ex.
The snacks sound nice.
But i think the rest of the plan can be a bit better.
You know, if you miss your ex this much, you can insted plan on how to get her back.
When you call her and tell her about your current plan, even if she does tell you she loves and cares and somehow stops you, it might make things difficult between you two later.
But she’ll probably just freak out and get scared and wouldn’t know what to say or do.
I don’t know the story between you two, but i’m sure there’s some way you could win her back?
You really shouldn’t do this and check yourself into the nearest hospital. I wish you could see how young you really are to give up this early in life. Be glad you can eat all the fast food you want and not worry about gaining weight.
It seems like you’re going out of your way by purposely calling her. Calling your ex-gf is only going to ruin her life due to the guilt that she will probably feel. I know that’s what you want her to feel because you’re in so much pain; but you should know that this will probably haunt her for the rest of her life. Do you really want to create that much pain? Does that pain outweigh your pain?
Please reconsider your choice.
Trust me, she won’t blame it on herself. I know what I’m doing is selfish… but my choice has already been made. My ex-girlfriend has to be the last person I talk to, but she isn’t the reason I’m committing suicide. I’m making sure that is clear in my suicide note.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading this post, but that’s okay, I was leaving this post for authorities and family to find this anyways.
I’ve set up a tarp in my parent’s room to kill myself in so the mess is contained at least somewhat. If I miraculously survive or get stopped, I’ll make sure to post again as soon as I am able. I’m say that to make that I am kept accountable to going through with this.
This is my last post. Good bye…
dude please don’t. for me. I have a plan
I have been contemplating this myself,
you might thing this is stupid… but just go for a drive. Drive as far as you can in one direction with a full tank of gas. get away from where you are. just do it. after that, if you still feel like getting away, hitchhike. just go. get the hell out. and maybe on the way you realize that there is in fact something in this life for you. Just please try it. before you give up completely, just go for this one drive. I beg you. just drive. and listen to some good music. just do it. loud ass music.
it seems that you have nothing to lose, so just try it. Please. just fucking go.
drive west. maybe California. just attempt it. Who cares what people think? In your mind, you have nothing to look forward to. so just go man. go go go.