How I reached here (a bit long)

Around two years ago I saw an anime (some kind of cartoon) that change my point of view completely and made my think all the time about “serious” stuff such as life.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, I had so much thoughts inside my head and nothing to do with them.
I kept all of that inside me and shared with a few friends I met for a game, but even with them I didn’t share to much.

Around two months later, I started to talk with my big brother, and I felt he understands me and I felt comfortable to talk with him, but that’s when the stuff started to get worse too.
I felt unhappy, I felt lonely (I still do), I felt misunderstand, I felt none actually understands me, and that’s when I started to find pleasure in punching the wall and hurting my hand. For around six months I was like that, punching the wall once a day and talking with my brother once every two day.
But then, the situation went even worse.
I started to go to my back yard holding a knife in my hand and sitting there for an hour telling myself to cut myself.
I did that for six months.
Then my sister and mother convinced me to meet psychologist.

At the beginning she didn’t help me to much, and I kept on hurting myself and feeling really lonely and holding knifes.
But after awhile, the need to hurt myself decrease and I didn’t do it, I was happy again. Still most people didn’t understand me, and didn’t accept me, but I was happy.
Around ten months ago, I stopped talking with my entire family, just because try don’t really accept me, everything I do and they think I shouldn’t, they right away judge me and tell me I’m on a kid and I don’t have much experience in life and they know better. So at some point I stopped sharing and listening.
Around eight months ago, my brother came to my room and talked with me, then he asked to try something. He came from behind me and chocked me till I passed out. Only because he couldn’t accept me.

Around a month later I met my ex.
I met her from a game and we love in different countries.
She was in a relationship when we met, but around a month later she broke up with him and went to me ,maybe I should have thought she jumped to a new relationship to fast, but I loved her. And the next six-seven months were the happiest months of my life.
I felt loved, wanted, accepted.
I felt I have someone to talk with.
2 weeks before I was suppose to fly and meet her, she broke up with me.
1 month later she went back to her ex, the same guy she told me she wasn’t in a good relationship, same guy that never told her he loves her in words, they one that didn’t make her feel loved, the one she broke up with on the first place.

Since then, I’m losing the will to live, I don’t want to love on.
For the past two years I only felt pain, any joy I had was taken away from me.
I left high school three months before the end because I just can’t keep on.
I’m crying most of the days and nights.
Every online friend I met doesn’t see me as I see them.
I see them as good friends of mine, and they fool me to believe they see me the same.
I’m tired of thinking, of hearing, of seeing, of feeling anything, I want quiet and only that.
And it’s not like I can fight for my ex, she lives in a different country.
For some reason I still keep in touch with her. And even if I’ll try to get her back, she can always just remove me from her phone and done. I can never see her again.
People always tell me I’ll be ok in time, know what I think about that?
Go fuck yourself, I want to see you live my life.
Many times I go out and look at the moon and I feel like the moon understands me. It’s all alone too, like I feel.

(Sorry for bad time scale, I’ve been through a lot, so don’t remember. And sorry if I just from one thing to another, wrote it a bit late in the night and I was hurt 🙂  )

Thanks for reading 🙂