Things are not good for me. More or less I am nothing more then a dissapointment in everything I do. I am a failure as a boyfriend,father,friend,son,grandson…you name it. I am falling apart in every way imaginable. I hate to look at myself,and no matter what I do I can’t seem to pull out of this. I tried to end it once,but was “saved” by 2 friends….not this time. I have a short period of time before my 2 year suicide clause is up on my life insurance,I have a storage unit large enough to fit my truck in it rented so no one can find me or stop me,and whoever discovers my remains won’t be a loved one or close friend. I have my will filled out with very precise instructions on how to deal with my body,and I will cash in my 401k to leave for my children and girlfriend on top of my life insurance. I just want to know if there is anything more I can do to leave for my family to make sure financially they will have all I can leave them. Please do not tell me how selfish I am and so on and so forth,trust me when I tell you I won’t be missed,and my existence doesn’t matter. One last disappointment and my days of letting people down,failing,and being a annoyance to those I love will be over.
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If you want to succeed at being a REAL failure, particularly for your children, go ahead and kill yourself. My mother committed suicide and I know this to be true. You abandon your own children and you will have failed yourself but most importantly you will have failed them.
It never ceases to amaze me how selfish, and really clueless, people like you are. What are you thinking? To even consider leaving your own children behind to fend for themselves is just beyond the pale. Do you know what life was like for me and my sister having a mother who committed suicide hanging over us? Consider how awkward it was to be forced to lie about it because it’s such an embarrassment. But as we got older, we realized it’s not our shameful act – it’s hers! Shame on you for even thinking about this.
That’s a powerful testimony, odyssey. Thanks for sharing.
It’s people like you that drive others over the edge. If you cannot understand the I pity you.
Since I was about 12 I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and when I was in my early-mid teens I thought everyone could control them like I could. That they fluctuated in the same way and that I’d experienced the most painful thoughts possible. Then I had a long time where my illness changed dramatically, and while I was terrified of dying, I couldn’t control myself anymore. It was like having a demon inside me, leading me.
When I was younger I didn’t understand people who didn’t fight thoughts of suicide and left their children. I thought I’d never do that as a parent, and I didn’t understand how anyone could. I discovered in the hardest way possible how ridiculously naive it is to believe that you understand everyone’s experience of suicidal thoughts.
A lot of people who think those things are ‘clueless’. They don’t have a grip on the reality around them, on how much people love and rely on them. For a lot of people, their illness (whatever name you might give it, most people in that position are ill) has twisted and changed their reality and made them believe things that only drive them closer to death. Don’t assume to know what they’re going through, or that they should be held responsible for themselves in the same way a healthy individual should. You don’t know what they’re experiencing.
I’m very sorry your mother died by suicide, but how dare you call it a ‘shameful act’? I don’t know if you think this guy would read your comment and be snapped back to reality, or if you don’t care what effect your words could have. But they’re thoughtless and quite cruel. If you can’t have any compassion with the person posting, I wouldn’t answer.
I can’t think of anything you’re missing, but in almost every case I’ve heard someone say they won’t be missed it’s far from the truth. I don’t know why you think you’re a disappointment but it’s more likely that it’s in your head, even if you’ve let people down, even if you annoy people you love sometimes. I commend you for providing for them, especially when you’re going through such a difficult time. But there’s nothing you can leave that will replace yourself.
Thoughtless and cruel? You want to know what thoughtless and cruel is? It’s leaving your children behind by committing suicide. Leaving them forever. Not just for a few days or months – but forever. THAT, is thoughtless and cruel. And, I have every right to call it what it is, madam – it is absolutely a SHAMEFUL act.
@Odyssey: Many times people come here initially for advice how to leave the world and eventually find the strength to stay. I can not even begin to understand the pain you went through having your mother kill herself and abandoning you. My heart truly goes out to you. All I can say is I watched at age 16 as my 15 year old cousin went through all the changes his mother’s suicide put him through. It changed him profoundly. There is a sadness in him that will never end. I am hoping that you have someone in your life that helped ease your pain.
But in the end this is a support sight, even when people are doing things that seem terribly wrong. All we can do is be here and listen. Again my heart truly goes out to you.