So I will start off by saying that this might seem like I am looking for attention but I am not. This is what I deal with and I don’t know where else to express myself. Please don’t judge me. I’ve had enough of that.
Depression is hard. Its like being strapped to a table and left there in the dark with a chronic pain that just gets worse and someone constantly whispering in your ear:
“If you give up, I can make the pain stop”
I sit there wondering “Is it right? It hurts just to breathe, Why is it happening? I hate myself, I hate everyone”
The more questions I ask myself the louder the voice gets.
“You aren’t enough” it says. “No one loves you, and no one ever will.”
I stare at the blackness and I ask it aloud “I tried to be a good person, I did the best I could. Why am I so unloved and always being hurt”
The voice repeats it self “You aren’t enough, but if you give up everything will be better”
Its like a dream come true. I can feel better? All I have to do is give up.
“How do I give up?” I ask the voice.
“Hm, well its easy. Put the gun in your mouth, Jump off that building, Inject those drugs there are hundreds of way to do it”
I think to myself long and hard “Wont that hurt? I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Suddenly I am reminded of all the hurts I have. All the people who I loved and who “Loved” me and how they had betrayed me and caused more damage. When I reached out for help and no one came.
“Only briefly” Is the response.
End.
I wish I knew what to say and do. I don’t want to be “That guy” Or that “Psycho” or “Here he goes again” but this is me. Its like an infection in my heart and soul. It forces only the negative into myself and whenever things start to get better. It shows itself. Another betrayal? Another lost lover? Someone else who hates me? Why am I not enough? I don’t know what to do. I want to die but more than that I want to not hurt but its endless. The pain doesnt stop. The doctors dont help. The drugs they prescribe don’t help. The people who “Love” me don’t help. There is nothing here for me.
So in case this is my “Suicide note” there is someone special I would like to address. I wont say your name but in case you read this: I love you. I never meant to neglect you. I never once cheated on you or lied to you. I tried to give you the best I could but I couldn’t. I should have shown you I loved you. I should have taken care of you the way you deserved to be taken care of. You are the only person that ever showed me love when I had none. Who uplifted me when I felt down. Who held me when depression took over my life. Now you are gone and everything is worse than it was. Even though you betrayed as well. Lied and hurt me. I was OK because around you. I felt human. I felt like life was worth living. You gave me hope when I had none.
2 comments
Nothing wrong with looking for attention. Asking for help is looking for attention. People have to be told where attention is needed because nobody is a mind reader.
Too many parents accuse thier children of seeking attention like it’s some sort of crime. The more negative they are the more I wonder if it’s blame shifting.
Those voices of depression are lying to you. You probably understand this. It may be beyond your control to stop them. At least don’t believe them. Do that long enough and the voices will stop.
Rethink what you define as betrayal. Humans act human. No one is perfect. Nobody can rescue you every time you are in peril; not even you. Forgive yourself so you can forgive others so you can forgive yourself. It’s one and the same.
Losing a man you love to suicide is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I’ve never been more heartbroken in my life. I miss you like crazy. This woman knew you were hurting. We were so close and then your dad died. I never felt such a closeness to anyone like I did you. I never knew love like this existed and I am an experienced woman. I’ve had my share of men in my life, but with you, I felt that intense, emotional closeness with you from the very first night. I waited to hear from you to see if you sensed it also. When you commented on how intense and intimate we were, I knew you felt it also. I would cry out to God for answers on why we were together? I knew something special was going on. Most people would like to see us not be together but me and you both live a life that WE wanted and not what the world wants. I just want to say that I thought of you with each step I was taking. I went out of state to take care of some things in my life. The real reason I went was so I could get healthy so I could take care of you and to give you the best woman I could be. You were my motivation all the way. When you begged me to come home, I literally did everything I could to make it back in time for you. It was out of my control. I remember flying back home two days early to surprise you only to hear of the tragic news. I should have sent you that picture of me when you asked, I should of told you I loved you and I needed you while I was away. All the words I wanted to say I didn’t. I just figured I would share with you when I got home. I had soooo much to share with you! I would have done anything to help you overcome your pain and I would have been there for you forever! I regret not saying those words. But, you were everything to me. If you could have held on for two more days…. just two days! You knew I loved you and I wanted the best for you. I would of held you forever…. you gave me such a gift in my life that I will take with me for the rest of my life. If your family posted this message, then I wish they would tell me this is you. Otherwise, I am just filling in the pieces and going by my intuition. If they only understand how deep my feelings for you, then I would hope they would do the right thing. I love you and someday… I will see you again. You are now with your father and those who you love who went before you. I hope you have your redemption and restoration now xoxo