Goodbye Cruel World

  May 13th, 2009 by Eddie1331

So is it so bad to be a gay male.. Yes it is, from how I’m treated.  You’d think I was a fucking childmolesting murderer for how the people at school treat me.  But no, just gay.  It’s my senior year of high school too and you think it’d be the best but it has undeniably been the worst.  I never knew that coming out would have such negative consequences. WTF was I thinking!  I live in Montana in a small town FULL of homophobes.  And everyone knows that I am gay so that past five months since I did come out have been hell. Everyday I go through the same ritual of people yelling nasty discriminatory comments at me, and those hit hard.  really hard.. I used to be happy four years ago, it was nice.. That was when I lived in wonderful Seattle too and it was great, no worries there.  But here I am spared nothing.  Everyday I have to watch my back because Im afraid of getting the shit beat out of me which has happen twice before.  Haha so fucked up.. the last time I did my nose got broken, basically shattered, and my depth perception is off from getting hit in the face so much.  My car gets vandalized regularly,  Do I deserve this? No i dont think so but I cant take the constant anxiety of when someones gonna humiliate me or beat the hell out of me again.  I have a hard time even leavin my house because of this.  Im a wreck, a total trainwreck at the moment.  So the last five months have been hard, but finally I feel a bit of inner peace because I’ve decided my fate.  I cant wait to be out of pain, Im so emotionally drained.  I didn’t think it was gonna be so bad around here with everyone knowing but I was DEAD wrong.  Life is hard enough without the extra shit from everyone.   I thought I could always rely on myself to get through the tough times but not these ones.  I thought I was a strong person and I was but I don’t know whats become of me.  Being ridiculed for your sexual orientation is excruciating for me.  Alls that I can do after a day of school is come home and cut and cry it out.  I didn’t even mean to come out but I did when i became manic and decided it would be a good idea.  I always get into ALOTA trouble when I go manic, and now here I am depressed.. morose and dead on the inside, sooon to be outside and when Im like this i just want to lay in bed for days on end and be dead to the world.  But instead I drag myself to school already feeling the heavy toll of my depression and then all the extra shit I get from the people is just enough to send me over the edge.  Oddly I’m feeling rather good and relieved right now,  Im ready.

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