I just want to get it down here

I dont need someone to feel sorry for me, i just need someone to listen. From what i remember, its as if ive felt depressed every single day since i was a young teenaged boy. Its become my consistent personality that i dont know what its like to be confident, self driven or what it feels like to make someone else happy anymore. i used to just deal with my depression just like it was a part of me, but it was only last year that i started experiencing depression that made me anxious and taht i couldnt control. My mental state was very severe, and i had a strong compulsion to dash my head out on something hard, i felt i had to release something, or to become part of a drifting unconsciousness that i felt would relese me from the tense darkness that consumed my mind. I made it a habit of cutting myself with a scalpel because it made me feel better. I gave it some thought to hanging myself with a belt and rope noose that i contrived but i thought better of it, i just couldnt bring myself to do it because of my family. Sometimes i felt so overcome that once or twice i had a lone drinking session, put a plastic bag over my head and fell asleep, but i didnt think i was that far in to my depression to tie the ends of the bags.

I think that year had a real negative impact on me because lately ive been feeling so braindead and detached that i dont enjoy or immerse myself into the things i usually do, and i just cant get ahead. I dont dream anymore, and i find im very insomniatic that i just get up and drink. I get episodes that frighten me so much taht i dont want to go back to sleep. Just as i lapse into sleep i feel my chest tighten and i dont think im breathing anymore, and there is a loud ringing, like a bell in my ears that just keeps getting louder. I struggle with this until i wake up gasping and im afraid that if i sleep again with this happening i will not wake again, so i get up stay awake the whole night. I start getting chills and thing im seeing things that I think later on down the track i will start seeing things that i cant separate from reality.

Sometimes i try to remember what it was like the year before, and try to recall the feelings i had because i feel i keep getting worse each year. I compare myself with myself the year before. I dont know. I try not to think about the stuff that made me this way, its hard to tell what were lies and what was genuine, so i just push it all away and focus on the empty canvas that seems to be all it is now. If anyone reads this i hope i you dont get the impression that im trying to make you depressed, i just need to get it out in the open because i never talk to anyone about this stuff.