I am a 59 year old male who just wants to go to sleep for a very very very long time….forever would be nice. I just want to die in my sleep, without experiencing any pain.
If I were to die right now, I could honestly say I have lived my life to the fullest given certain constraints. You see, I was born with very bad asthma back in 1949. Back in the 50s, doctors didn’t know what to do with us children with asthma. So they made us stay in our beds, put a big piece of plastic over the bed, and pump in oxygen. This happened 24/7, all day every day for at least six years. No playing with the kids my age, no riding a bicycle or throwing a ball with my dad, and no eating with my family.
Then came the invention of steroids, and prednisone was the new wonder drug. But as with all new drugs, the side effects were not discovered until it was too late to reverse them.
My parents sent me out to the national asthma hospital in Denver in August of 1959, where I stayed until June of 1961, with about 250 other kids with asthma from all over the country. About five years ago I called that hospital and got my records from back then, and discovered that they really didn’t help me one bit.
So I came back to my hometown in June of 1961 and found that my parents had bought a single-floor ranch house, which was something new back at the time. Although it was in the same city, it was in a completely different neighborhood, about five miles from downtown, whereas the old house was right downtown. So I felt isolated.
Anyways, I had an okay teenage life, although I was made fun of in gym because my asthma kept me from keeping up with my classmates.
I moved out of my parents house in 1973 to live nearer the place where I worked. I lived there until 1979, when the job I had ended because of computers coming in and moved to Boston.
It took me about a year to get settled in Boston working on my own as a typist. In February of 1981 I was on a bus and met the woman who would eventually become my wife.
Earlier I talked about how miracle drugs often have side effects we don’t come to realize until it is too late. Well, it turns out that prednisone, over time, causes your bones to become brittle. When I first met my wife, I was taking 40 mg. of prednisone a day, and was able to walk everywhere and do everything that a “normal” person could do.
Fast forward to 1985. My girl friend and I got married in October of 1983, and moved to the western part of the state in 1985. Things were going great for a while. We were both working and living a pretty normal, average life.
Then the hammer came down. The first thing was that my asthma turned into COPD, which includes emphysema and chronic bronchitis. So I quit working at the end of 1994 and started on disability in 1995.
Then the effects of the high dose of prednisone started showing up as unbearable pain in my right knee. Turns out it was pain radiating from my hip, and I needed a total hip replacement. So on December 16th, 2002 I had a total hip replacement on my right leg.
The recovery from that surgery seemed to go pretty well….at first. But about two years later I found myself stuck with a permanent limp, which I have to this day. Also, I am unable to stand for any longer than two minutes without feeling excruciating pain.
My wife says she has absolutely, positively 100 percent committed her life to me. At the age of 52, she has the face of an angel. She never ever uses any sort of makeup, and yet she still looks beautiful.
But I feel like I am not the man she married. I feel broken. I feel like she could do much better than me, and I am just holding her back.
So I just want to go to sleep forever. I don’t want to feel any pain. I’ve felt enough pain already with the hip surgery and surgery I had for diverticulitis back in 1987. I just want to exit this life so that my beautiful wife has a chance to live with a real man, not someone she has to take care of, in her remaining years.
4 comments
I just found this website due to an assignment I am doing for a class. I think it is cool that you are able to talk about your experiences with others on here. It is a good idea. On the topic of your article I just have a couple of things. I don’t know if you are at all religious, but I am so I hope you don’t mind my saying that God doesn’t like suicide. He promises to never give you more than you can handle. Just have faith and pray for strength and the lord will grant it. Also, I’m sure it’s no fun living with a limp and weak bones, but at the same time you sound like you have a wonderful wife who loves you very much. How do you think she would feel if you killed yourself? I’m sure that she would miss you so much. As far as not being the same man she married, I have a little story for you:
I am 19 years old still living at home while I go to college. Recently my dad moved out of the house and into my Aunts because he realized he doesn’t love my mom anymore. After a month he moved to Australia to be with a woman that he met online on the internet. I’m sure you’re wondering what this has to do with your experience. Well, here it is. My father was sick for a year. He had something wrong with his digestive system and he didn’t go a day all year without throwing up. He works in Reservations for the Airlines so he has to be on the phone at work, but he was throwing up so he had to quit. I think he felt the same way you do. Unfortunately, he let those feelings get the best of him and he took those feelings out on us – three children and a wife. I hope you don’t do the same thing. Your wife loves you. Keep that in mind always.
hey man, don’t act like that please.
do you think your wife would want you to? and dude, your wife loves you. like, really loves you. if you left her, what would she do?
what’s so bad about her taking care of you? do you really think that there’s something so good about a ‘real man’ that she would pick it over you?
i’m really jealous that your wife doesn’t wear make up, and is 100% committed to you. i’ve always wanted my girlfriend to stop wearing makeup, and to be committed to me instead of college and education stuff.
you have EVERYTHING you need in your life already. of all the suicidal stories i’ve read in my life, yours was the best against suicide. you have everything dude. you got a wife who unconditionally loves you, and cares for you 100%. i’m still trying to get my girlfriend to even want to marry me. last night and the night before we almost broke up our 1.4 year long relationship. it very well may happen again.
but enough about me, dude, why are you on this site? you’re so lucky man. so what if you’re 59? that’s kind of old but who wants to live forever?
i know you go through a lot of pain because of your asthma and your bones, but dude, your wife loves you. she loves you. don’t you know what love is? love is this story you’ve told, love is the part your wife plays.
you don’t need a single thing if you have her love. if you really really care about her as much as she cares about you, and i can tell you do because you’re willing to give her up for her to have better, then stay with her dude! love her like she loves you. she loves you man.
think about this please: what if your wife died? then you’d really want to kill yourself, right? why is that? because you really need her. don’t you think your wife would want to kill herself if she lost you? she loves you, and if something happened to prevent her from loving you anymore, how do you think she would feel?
answer that for yourself.
if you’d like to talk, i’d like to talk too. my email address is daniellopez2316@ymail.com
thank you for reading.
If you need to talk, we can talk:) We don’t even have to talk about suicide. We can talk about the latest tv shows, cooking, whatever tickles your fancy. But I will say this about your want and reasons for suicide. You wife loves you. That’s why she’s taking care of you. She’d be sad if you died and she might instead have feelings of inadequacy or thoughts like, “Where did i go wrong?” But at the same time, I do understand that dying is so much easier than dealing with the pain. Sometimes I even think of suicide as ‘brave’. Like if I can actually do it, that takes guts. But that’s just me. Click on my name if you wanna talk.
There comes a time when a man (or woman) has to decide who he is. In our typical society, we may define ourselves by our job, what kind of car we drive, by our love ones, whatever. Who are we then when we can no longer do what we do? This is key. We are not our jobs, we are not our cars, and we are not even defined by other people. We are all creatures created by God in heaven. I had to realize 4 years ago that I do not need a single, solitary human being on this entire earth to validate who I am as a person because when all is said in done in our lives, it is only us and God alone.
You sir, are a creature created by God, and you are not a mistake, and you are a real man. God has given you one of the most precious gifts on earth–a loving wife. It hurts your manhood to have her take care of you. Your ego is smashed. I know what that’s like. Mike Tyson said that his greatest asset was not his body but his mind. You no longer have the body you once had, but you still have your mind. Use your mind to your fullest capacity. It is the greatest challenge you will ever face, but be strong in spirit and in mind and fight like a warrior. You can do it because God has given you life, and God will give you strength if you ask God for it. Accept God as your one and only Lord of your life and surrender all to God because you’ve got nothing to lose.
Your opponent is your ego, your pride, and the desire to give up. The Enemy of God would love for you to just give up, but just accept God’s love in your life. Fight back with everything you got, and when you eventually pass from this life into God’s kingdom, you will kneel before him, and He will say to you, “well done good and faithful servant”.