hopeless

not sure why i’m writing/posting this except that i so crave someone to talk to.  this will have to do.

i just can’t see how things are going to get better.  ever.  i’ve made such a mess of things.  i feel like i am holding everyone around me back.  like i am the one stopping my kids from having access to a good life.  i am such a complete loser, unable to function most of the time.  i can’t provide for my family and we are now in dreadful poverty.  if i were to die everyone around me would be better off.  materially, there is no doubt of this.

my partner is a paranoid scyzophrenic and is not on medication.  at least that is my diagnosis.  his doctors won’t speak to me.  patient doctor privelege.  he suffers from ‘lack of insight’, meaning he is unable to recognize that he is ill.  apparently this is due to damage on the frontal lobe of his brain, and it is the reason why he won’t take meds.  the stress at home is unbearable.  he tells me that we are being watched and listened to all the time.  our windows have 3 layers of blinds/curtains on them, the last layer is velcro’d to the window frame.  most of our conversations are written down because he is paranoid and when he does speak out loud it is in long rants directed at his ‘tormentors’.  i’ve tried everything that i can think of to get him help, but he isn’t an immediate threat to anyone so no one will act.  without being able to converse with his doctors it is very difficult.

we have the support of the provincial disablity programme because of his illness but it is a double edge sword.  being well myself i’m expected to support the family on my income.  my job used to be full time but has been cut back to part time with notice that the place is closing in the fall.  my work environment now is flexible, giving me time to be at home if my partner is in really bad shape, but it pays very little.  i’m not sure what is going to happen to us when my job finishes.  i’m paralized with fear.  if he was on meds (as he was when i met him) it would be easier but i feel like i’m trapped in a crazy place with no way of getting out.  the disability plan takes half of the money that i earn from my partner’s pension making earning a living almost impossible and if we end up relying on the pension totally… well we’ll end up on the street.  my credit debit is huge, having paid for all of our utility bills with it last year.  it was either that or not have food in the house.  i’ve never had to make choices like that before. and there is no way that i can see that i’ll ever have the money to pay off the debt.

my kids are confused and upset.  i am a basket case.  honestly can’t think of a reason why anyone would hire me for anything.  i can’t cope and am close to tears most of the time.  sleep is rare and focussing is becoming impossible.  there’s more going on but i don’t want to write it down.  there is no end to any of these problems that i can see.  every day it just compounds.

the bright side is that my kids father is not poor.  he lives a comfortable life with his new wife.  he does pay me child support, but %100 of that is taken off of the pension as well.  seems the government thinks my first priority is paying them back for my partner’s disablity pension.  the needs of my family are not considered.  my mother is well off too.  if i kill myself my girls will be well looked after.  and they will have opportunities like school and braces which i can’t pay for, though it seems i am expected to.

i bought some life insurance a while back.  i have an old policy which should cover my debts as well.  the problem with the new policy is it won’t pay out if you commit suicide within 2 years of purchase.  i’ve hung on for almost 1 year already.  if i can hang on a while longer my partner will be looked after and my kids will have a nice education fund set up, something i can’t seem to manage in life.  my worry is that i can’t bear the pain any longer.  things are just completely hopeless.  i know that my girls would be okay because of their dad and my mom, but my partner… he’d be back living in a rooming house, possibly on the street. given the way he self-medicates (alcohol) that may be inevitable anyway.

what i really need is support to make it through the next year.  after that i’ll be able to die in peace.  the life insurance is the only good thing that i’ve done.  i am unable to take care of everyone and i seem incapable of earning any sort of decent living for my family.  i know they will be better off with out me. i have so few friends at this point and feel lonely all the time because i cannot share what is going on.  i pretend that everything is fine. it’s not fine.  i am so terribly sorry that i can’t fix things.  i am hopeless and feel completely powerless.  the stress has defeated me totally and death is the only solution that i can come up with.

thanks for listening

Ray