the conclusion i keep arriving at…

I’m not sure why I am writing this, but I’ve never written any of this down before and maybe it will help, even if no one else comments on it or even reads it…

I’m a 26-year-old woman.  For the past couple of months, I’ve thought about killing myself on a daily basis.  I will look at a blank wall and visualize my blood splattered against it.  I will imagine throwing myself in front of a fast moving train while on my way to work.  I do not consider myself depressed.  It just seems the only logical conclusion. 

I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man, but he is extremely tentative about any future with me.  We have dated for almost two years and it’s obvious that, though he cares about me, I am not really in any of his long-term plans.  I have not had sex in a few years.  I find it terrifying and painful, and to be honest, I have no desire to ever have it again, with anyone.  My current boyfriend has been amazingly understanding, but I know it is frustrating.  I worry that because of my intense fear of sex, I will spend the rest of my life alone.  

I have very few friends, mostly friends from college whom I have increasingly little in common with as the years since graduation pass.  I am also ugly.  Not just “I need to lose a few pounds” or “I need to learn how to apply makeup/do my hair/dress better”, but UGLY.  I don’t have attractive facial features at all, and I just worry it will get ever worse as I get older.  I have a decent job, but I really have very few useful skills.  I am still on my first job out of school and am still pretty much an entry-level employee.  I work very, very long hours, often to the point of sleep deprivation, because I have been unable to find 40 hour/week jobs that pay well.  I used to remind myself that at least I’m a good person, but I don’t believe that anymore – I’m selfish, stubborn, not very generous to other people…

When I think about the future, I just want to kill myself.  I don’t see happiness; I don’t see love; I just see everyone I remotely care about either leaving or dying.  I feel I’m looking at one of those flowcharts/decision-tree things with all the arrows with all of the options leading to one conclusion – kill yourself.  I think the only thing keeping me alive at this point is my dislike for pain and violence.  That, and I really don’t want to hurt my mother because my only other sibling, my brother, doesn’t speak to her at all and I don’t want to feel like she has lost both her children. 

I don’t believe there is anything after death, so I’m not afraid.  I wanted to kill myself when I was 18, but I got over it, but I sometimes feel like I’m on borrowed time, like I should have killed myself years ago and now I’m walking around like a ghost because I’ve lived too long already.